Holiday Survival Part 2

Well, for some of you school is a thing of the past, gone are the days of writing papers about the usage of slug slime and its effect on the environments near and around retirement communities. You can frolic about and not have to deal with the blinding panic that comes with exams that judge your very being in 90 minutes or less... i'm not bitter... But its always comforting to know that family is always there to judge you. They seem to plan and condition themselves with intensity that could only be akin to what an olympic athlete goes through... but i digress, moving on. For those who are trapped at home with prying questions, i have come up with some evasive maneuvers as we work our way through the holidays...

1. Working hard or hardly working?
-- Just because you have joined the workforce, does not mean you have also aged 70 years and suddenly wear suspenders and sit around the water cooler talking about your new mini van. Life is not over, to avoid the "my first real job stories" its best to do imply that you aren't doing anything that someone can relate to.

EX: "If i were to choose i would say hardly working, that's the best part about being a call girl, i can make my own hours..."

2. I can't believe you're so old!
--It seems no matter when people saw you last you are getting older, imagine that. The bright side is that at least in a few years they won't be able to ask that anymore, but the key to evasion is just the right amount of snarkiness so that there will be no rebuttal.

EX: "I am getting older, but the Grim Reaper hasn't asked to be my facebook friend yet so i think i still have a few good years left."

3. How's life in the real world?
--Look just because our lives my have been built on a foundation of red plastic cups, running on a mixture of redbull and some sort of drink that would even make Kanye envious, and we functioned on a sleeping schedule that raccoons revered does not mean that we were not in the real world. We were in the real-ish world, very close to the real thing.

EX: To be honest there is no come back from this, partly because its hard not to be a total beezy and also because after the afore-mentioned words were uttered i was then standing over the unconscious body of a senior.

And so my frolicking followers, i hope that you survived everything and had a happy holidays.

Holiday Survival Part 1

Last Christmas i spent some time south of the border pondering a career change and i gave you, my benevolent bookworms, some advice in ways to survive these coming days as we move out of Sharing Season and into the Season of giving. These tips are mostly for those who still find themselves deep within the strangling clutches of academia. At the time i figured that i would have left  the hallowed ivy cover womb that is college and be out in the world. This, is not the case, and so i have a need for this once again, i hope it will help you, seeing as it is of little comfort to me as i softly weep over my degree every morning before class.

These answers are to avoid any of the when i was your age talk, as well as mildly disturb the person who has made it their mission to interview you...

1. The sexual update/mate selection question

-- i find that this works best by going the complete other direction, and don’t be afraid to be specific

EX: “You know i’m not so much into boys anymore, i’m really attracted to aliens, but not just any, only the ones from 2 galaxies down, and 1 over”

2. What’s your major/life study?

--this is a formula start with The History of - followed by a word that means hard to find (rare, unique, obscure) - then a random country - and last anything you could find in a library or museum 

EX: “I’m studying The History of Obscure Madagascar Statues”

3.What is the best/most important thing you have learned in college/your life?

--this is where one really must avoid the stories of the olden days of 1920. Now you can go two routes the honest

EX: “i’ve really learned the effects of large amounts of alcohol on the body and property that’s not mine”

or the other option of a class that you really learned a lot in, again a formula, Dr. - followed by the 2 names of tool bags that you can think of - “and his class on the” - an SAT word (juxtaposition, globalization, opposition...) - of - a food of any kind 

EX: “The class i learned the most in was definitely Dr. Phil Trump’s and his class on the Juxtaposition of Mashed Potatoes"

4. And then of course the future plans talk

--Tell them you are planning to join and organization/group, but everyone knows someone who was in the peace corps, or red cross and no one wants to sit through that boredom... so simply choose a emotion - and follow it by something you would find in a city

EX: “I think i’m going to join the group Happy School Busses/Angry Sidewalks its all about getting kinds to school, and repairing the cracks in their own emotional sidewalks.” 


Stay tuned for part 2 for those who are in the real world, because as we know, nothing saves you from prying questions from your family. 

Dear Screaming Dysfunctional Couple that Lives Above me

Dear Screaming Dysfunctional Couple that Lives Above me,

To say that it is late would be an understatement. The entire cast of Jersey Shore went to sleep almost an hour ago. I also have to say that I both commend and am appalled by the fact that you can scream for hours while doing what I can only assume to be a square dance. makes me think of home. I personally never really considered that my yelling points would really be driven home had I added a do-si-do at the end. 

At first I wasn't sure that there was a man involved in this dysfunction at all, since all I could hear were the rambling cries of a cat-lady in the making. However, as I lay awake imagining what type of instrument could go through a ceiling yet is easy to camouflage upon moving out, I hear the distinct murmur of a man who knows he is fighting a losing battle. This is further verified as this gentleman tries to work his way out of the dog mansion he finds himself in with what seems to be a bad two-step. And to the woman with the voice range Mariah Carrey would envy: we get it. he doesn't appreciate you. The first 12 times you screeched it I was unclear, but now I understand. He is ungrateful. Blah-blah-blah. Go get a kitten that will be the start of what I'm sure will be a loving pack for your later years, and drown your sorrows in ice cream. I think Ben and Jerry's actually makes a flavor called Bitterness. You might gain 800 pounds and fall through my ceiling, but at least it will keep your mouth busy.

Wishing you strep throat resulting in voice loss,

Sidney