City Symphony

As some of you may know, i have now officially moved to a city whose population is above "embarrassing". I think it is now safe to say that i have moved out of the sticks, past the covered wagons, and on to moderate adulthood. For those of you i have left behind to frolic with Bambi and friends, the city is a nosy place. It is filled with horns, sirens, strange people, and assault. Through this one can receive a unwelcome symphony of sounds at any time of the day or night. And so, my randy reader, i will share with you some of these glorious noises, and what they do to the poor people that must listen to them all day and night...

a) Sirens: when you hear a siren you think death, somewhere in this city there is an old lady that is pinned under a beam with a hungry-looking cat and things aren't looking up. Then, of course, you lay awake thinking of death and destruction, war, all that, this is followed by some glorious nightmares and when you wake up in the morning you are a Republican. I think that a good way to combat all this worry would be to have different sirens for different situations; kitten-up-a-tree would sound very different than 5-alarm-fire-with-Lifetime-movie-to-be-made-soon. It would save everyone a lot of worry. The downside to this is that people, not me, upon recognizing different alarm bells, may take it upon themselves to be the evolutionary soldier we all wish was out there and not get out of the way. Some kittens need to learn lessons... the hard way.

b) Car Alarms: while car alarms are frequent, people that will go attend to them seem few and far between. We all know that our car has an alarm, we just don't know what it sounds like, thus defeating the purpose. I think, in my infinite wisdom, that car alarms should be like a ring tone, you can program some angry rapper into the car and when you hear Eminem's angry voice going on and on about his wife you know that someone is after your car. Additionally, if a person has 'Bubbly Toes' by Jack Johnson as his alarm...rob him, life is about learning bust his car up.

c) Crazy Ramblings: in a city known for its atheism we still have many who feel that a certain someone is coming back and he is not a happy camper. The only way to really avoid this is with a noise-canceling pillow which they have yet to invent, and as a footnote they should make it fireproof so that it can easily fit in your carry-on on your way to hell.

And so i believe, my fabulous follower, that with these small minor adjustments, the city in which i reside would be a less stressful symphony of sounds; bottom line, upgrade. I have not, however, found a solution to my rapping neighbors, besides a uncomfortable murder-suicide so stay tuned.