How to Make a Monster Movie

Recently i was spastically scrolling through Netflix, looking for some sort of cinematic experience involving little to no thinking, and i was greeted with my own kryptonite. That's right folks, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. Now, i was prepared for the level of awesomeness that would greet me, since i had already seen Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (yet another winner) but about half way through this big screen blunder i realized that i may have found my own career path. Brace yourself, its another how-to...

These are the things you need to make a horrible action monster movie that no one will enjoy:

a) Idea - in theory this is necessary, but you could also just have a really clear memory of an acid trip you were on not to long ago...

b) Actors - you need at least one of the following:
                - A person who believes that they can speak in some sort of accent but really can't even a little. This is crucial, something about trashy accents really legitimize these sorts of movies.
                - Porn stars, i don't know what it is about monster movies but it really brings out Missy and Sissy and their amazing acting career, but i really appreciate that when they are traditionally bathing somewhere they are not supposed to, topless, and splashing each other, they get eaten first. Isn't that just always the way?
               - A person who used to have a relatively interesting and moderately successful career. In this case it was the guy that played Urkel (awesome no?). The best part is, after you watch their Oscar-winning performance in these movies you can usually see them try and find a lifemate on VH1 right after.


c) A creature - you can fight them against each other like an over-aggressive 5-year-old boy or just let their greatness stand on their own, either way consider the following:
               - Land Before Time. For some reason no monster should be one that actually exists. If it could scare Ducky into having a determined sex and gender, then it will scare the American public. When in doubt add -asaurous to the end of anything and you're golden.
               - Combos. These seem to be really popular. You need a monster the animal equivalent of Sylvester Stallone: scary, filled with anger, REALLY funny looking, and with the dangerous mindset that it can do anything.
                - Water. The most popular seem to be creatures that are most found of water; i think that this is because the only people who watch these movies are the sad fat ones from Minnesota, it gives them a glimmer of hope. 


d) Computer animation - you need to make a prehistoric mole-pterodactyl hybrid. Thankfully the bar isn't even available for a standard, so if you have a paint program on your computer you will be fine. 

e) The military - for some reason they are always involved, and rarely helpful, how close to real life...


f) Plot - this is always the least important but usually needs a few of the aspects below:
                 - How did this creature get here? Usually this is from an iceberg or a volcano, but i think you should think outside of the box: maybe just have a rotund octopus-sword fish just fall from the sky? This always needs to be addressed, but don't feel pressure, no one can be bothered to talk about it for more than 2 and a half sentences.
                  - Scientists, they are always involved too. its important to have one that somehow gets by studying something that cannot possibly warrant study until a COLOSSAL PORCUPINE-EEL GETS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT OUT OF A CANNON, thank god you are here, scenically awkward stereotypical scientist!
                  - How are we going to blow this mother up? After all the military power fails it's usually something stupid: i just found out that this obese salmon-bearasaurus is allergic to corn flakes we will just corner it and feed them to it till it dies from a reaction, and also blows up.

So grab some swim trunks and thank everyone you know that you don't live in the Midwest, it's time for a monster movie.

There ARE Stupid Questions

Today I was enjoying a run-of-the-mill-educational experience when my teacher uttered the phrase that we all fear: "There is no such thing as a stupid question." Let me tell you, my fine feathered friends, there is not enough wood in this lumber state to knock on to avoid the plethora of stupid questions that are about to descend upon my scholastic adventures.

This phrase, along with the dumb-dumbs that seek to show how false those words can be, have followed me for most of my educational career. When this is uttered from a educational specialist's mouth, it creates a lot of questions for those who have an IQ of over 13 about the teacher's life choices, as well as the students who really take these words to heart. Why would you ask that? How is it that you can go through life without being hit by a bus? Do you need examples of stupid questions? I will give you some stupid questions.

And so I am reminded that our educators are often times dumb-dumbs themselves, so let us explore some other falsehoods they tend to utter...

1. This is a reasonable reading load: if one must comment on the amount of reading, then it is not a reading load for a normal human being. Also, if something must be described in a quantity that usually would be moved by a truck the chances that the load is manageable is quite small. 

2. Your final should be fun: Want to make it fun? How about we have a final about how much we love sleeping and not being in class. Allowing us to choose a subject for our final makes us hate you less, not dance about because you gave us the option of researching feminism in China vs. Japan.

So beware of these flaws in the educational system in which we frolic. Watch yo self.

Questions: Hollywood Edition

Even though i feel that i emotionally broke up with school a few months ago, my ever-interested and brilliant mind is still asking questions i do not know the answers to. Once i was able to filter these questions (in a non-schizophrenic way mind you), i noticed that many of them were of the pop culture presuasion, and so i decided to share some of them with you all.

Who purchased Nicholas Cage's soul?
I don't know from experience, since my soul is still open for bidding on Ebay, but one would assume that you just can't make gems like National Treasure without missing some chromosomes and some sort of good decision making barometer. I just want to know: where did it go? And is it not serving its purpose, so now you're going for his hair?

Where is Jonathan Taylor Thomas?
Everyone knows him (Simba, Home Improvement) but where did he go? To my knowledge he has not died, so what's up? My prediction: he left our world to go be the leader of the Lolly Pop Guild.

What is the Bad Girls Club show about?
In my experience there are many places in which one can find a "bad girls club." For example: the whole state of New Jersey, in the parking lot of a GED building, on the set of teen mom. Because of this, i can only believe that this is about something more than alcoholism, but then again the human condition always disappoints me.

Has anyone ever mistaken the Olsen twins for crazy bag ladies?
It could happen if i saw them on the street, i would definitely give them a quarter...

And so there you have it life and its mysteries never end...