How to Make a Monster Movie

Recently i was spastically scrolling through Netflix, looking for some sort of cinematic experience involving little to no thinking, and i was greeted with my own kryptonite. That's right folks, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. Now, i was prepared for the level of awesomeness that would greet me, since i had already seen Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (yet another winner) but about half way through this big screen blunder i realized that i may have found my own career path. Brace yourself, its another how-to...

These are the things you need to make a horrible action monster movie that no one will enjoy:

a) Idea - in theory this is necessary, but you could also just have a really clear memory of an acid trip you were on not to long ago...

b) Actors - you need at least one of the following:
                - A person who believes that they can speak in some sort of accent but really can't even a little. This is crucial, something about trashy accents really legitimize these sorts of movies.
                - Porn stars, i don't know what it is about monster movies but it really brings out Missy and Sissy and their amazing acting career, but i really appreciate that when they are traditionally bathing somewhere they are not supposed to, topless, and splashing each other, they get eaten first. Isn't that just always the way?
               - A person who used to have a relatively interesting and moderately successful career. In this case it was the guy that played Urkel (awesome no?). The best part is, after you watch their Oscar-winning performance in these movies you can usually see them try and find a lifemate on VH1 right after.


c) A creature - you can fight them against each other like an over-aggressive 5-year-old boy or just let their greatness stand on their own, either way consider the following:
               - Land Before Time. For some reason no monster should be one that actually exists. If it could scare Ducky into having a determined sex and gender, then it will scare the American public. When in doubt add -asaurous to the end of anything and you're golden.
               - Combos. These seem to be really popular. You need a monster the animal equivalent of Sylvester Stallone: scary, filled with anger, REALLY funny looking, and with the dangerous mindset that it can do anything.
                - Water. The most popular seem to be creatures that are most found of water; i think that this is because the only people who watch these movies are the sad fat ones from Minnesota, it gives them a glimmer of hope. 


d) Computer animation - you need to make a prehistoric mole-pterodactyl hybrid. Thankfully the bar isn't even available for a standard, so if you have a paint program on your computer you will be fine. 

e) The military - for some reason they are always involved, and rarely helpful, how close to real life...


f) Plot - this is always the least important but usually needs a few of the aspects below:
                 - How did this creature get here? Usually this is from an iceberg or a volcano, but i think you should think outside of the box: maybe just have a rotund octopus-sword fish just fall from the sky? This always needs to be addressed, but don't feel pressure, no one can be bothered to talk about it for more than 2 and a half sentences.
                  - Scientists, they are always involved too. its important to have one that somehow gets by studying something that cannot possibly warrant study until a COLOSSAL PORCUPINE-EEL GETS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT OUT OF A CANNON, thank god you are here, scenically awkward stereotypical scientist!
                  - How are we going to blow this mother up? After all the military power fails it's usually something stupid: i just found out that this obese salmon-bearasaurus is allergic to corn flakes we will just corner it and feed them to it till it dies from a reaction, and also blows up.

So grab some swim trunks and thank everyone you know that you don't live in the Midwest, it's time for a monster movie.