Oh Moby, You Are Predicatable

Call me masochistic, but I just watched Moby Dick: 2010. My reasoning for this was twofold: first, I wanted to test my theory of monster movies, and this one seemed like a real doozy; second, I believe that in order to really have faith in one's education you have to really try your damnedest to rot out everything in your brain you have so expensively squished in there. So let us review: I know I'm right, but it's important for everyone else to trust that I always speak true.

Let's review this bad boy:

Plot: Captain Ahab is mad at a whale.

Creature: Crazy big whale from back in the day, cruises around the ocean (don't you feel safe Iowa) and eats boats and whatnot. To say he has an anger problem is an understatement.

Scientist: A lady that is a specialist in whale language, which of course is so very under-appreciated until a giant whale throws a hissy fit

Computer Animation: 500-foot-whale is inspired by what looks like a toy that has had one two many baths with little Jimmy, so in a word: perfection.

Military: The movie spends almost the whole time in a navy submarine, and we have the pleasure of watching like 20 other subs get bitten in half.

The fact that I am epically right is such a sweet victory, however, movies such as these still hold mystery, and some questions that need answers:

1. Do any of these creatures know that one can not survive off a diet of anger and construction material alone?
It appears that the issue of food is never really addressed, these animals just go around eating oil tankers, and apparently these give them plenty of their daily vitamins so that they may frolic in the deep blue sea.

2. Why no pupils?
I've said it once and I'll say it again: pupils are an indicator of good. Let's review: Luke Skywalker - pupils, Dark Vader - just a helmet, I have known about this trick ever since I was little and watched the Rats of NIMH, you know that crazy old one with all-white eyes? Scarred. Me. For. Life. But I digress, Moby - eyes black as a raven, ravens have no visible pupil, full circle. 

3. Where are you SeaWorld?
A little advice, get in on the ground floor of a mammoth orca-bear with wings, and you could be going places. By places I mean BIGGEST SPASH ZONE OF ALL TIME. No one would be safe and it would be a money maker.

So you see my ravishing reader I don't know everything, but I do know most of it, let's just hope there are still enough mysterious things in our future.