Misunderstood Mongruls

Summers are a time for the world to be saved by 2-6.5 super heroes flying, walking, and possibly skipping into a theater near you. This summer is no exception. Now you may think that i am about to wow you with some in depth theories into the minds and bodies of these great American heroes, but that would be as interesting as exploring an empty paper bag, therefore i would like to dive into the complexities of the super villain, you would be surprised what sort of glorious factoids i have discovered through a great amount of research.

a) All things that glow - i don't know what it is but super villains, more often than not, are always trying to get and keep something that glows, think about it; in Green Lantern it was glowing yellow fear, in Captain America it was some blue glowing cube, and of course kryptonite glows green. Its like all these people were not allowed the many glow in the dark doo-dads of childhood, the beads, the markers and best of all the eerie glowing stars on the ceiling…

b) Slight deformity - the bad guy from Captain America looked like a sunburnt Michael Jackson, i will have nightmares for a week, anyway, these issues serve as a kind reminder to young boys and girls that if one plays with acid, toxic waste, and on or around sharp rocks, your high school will not be pleasant and, as such your anger will fuel your choices

c) Cool toys - you have to admit it the bad kids always have way better toys, some car that can also turn into a flying ice cream cone, shoes that transform into underwater submarines, and underwear that can be folded into throwing stars. If it takes some loose morals to achieve this i think it's worth looking into.

d) Bigger posse - i mean, let’s be honest, the hero usually has one same sex friend whose roll is to bolster up the hero and keep him/her/it on the straight and narrow, or on the  wide and zig-zag depending on how things play out… then the bad guy has a whole army of buddies, examples you ask? Batman - BFF Robin (we've all heard the rumors), the Joker - 20 guys in weird masks breaking into banks, not only does he have himself a bunch of lunatic followers BUT he also has a bit of bank dollas for his next caper…  if that's not love what is? Captain America - has one man friend in the army, crazy Natzi dude - whole army shooting for him. If we learned one thing from JLo (a hero to many, a villain to those who have ears and the ability to watch a movie), a posse is an important status symbol, so what if they only fear your wrath, i know plenty of friendships that are based on a lot less. 

And so i say that maybe we are judging these out of the box thinkers a little to harshly, maybe we should just have a corporate villain retreat to the planet of Pandora, that whole planet is in constant rave mode, everything glows... if that doesn't work the presence of grief councilors would prevent almost all of these movies. And that was about 28 pop culture references, try and keep up.

A Non-Violent Discovery

While i have been roaming about, something has come to my attention. Before i begin this perplexing tale, i will say that the Cayman Islands (the overgrown rock on which i currently reside) is a British colony. Now, of course they could throw some tea into the water and get rowdy in hopes of independence, but from what i can tell they are still very much Team William and Kate and so are perfectly happy remaining as such.

Anyway, for the most part going from US customs to a UK version is mostly a simple hop, skip, and a jump (quite literally-i can almost spit on some old people in Florida from here). However, there is one concept, a theory really, that the Brits go by that i am having a hard time wrapping my head around.

It all began one warm, Caribbean morning when i went to a shopping center, nothing out of the ordinary besides an unbalanced amount of root vegetables (Jamaicans like their starch, anyway...), but at all of these stores are security guards. Now, these upstanding security professionals look like they will take you down if you choose to rob the place except for one very foreign thing: they have no weapons.

Coming from gun slingin' America, i'm shocked and a little confused. How, pray tell, is one supposed to solve any sort of scuffle or kerfuffle without some sort of weaponry? After all, as young ones we learned that being armed is the first thing you need when solving a problem. Elmer Fudd never tried to talk it out with Buggs or Daffy, it was some sort of duck/wabbit season, he just shot. Wile E. Coyote doesn't even speak because of his rather large and mysteriously acquired arsenal of problem-solving tools.

This discovery leads me to believe that one really has to be a "people person" to work in such a high-stress, dangerous, law-enforcing job here or in the UK. I have to say i am still trying to wrap my mind around this concept... but you'll be happy to know i am doing my part to understand this strange new culture in which i find myself. I am going to watch a documentary on Gandhi and view a season or 3 of Law and Order: UK. Fear not, i will learn these new customs and grow. Learn something new every day.

The Downs of Solo Missions

Of all of my adventures this one has been my first true long-lasting solo mission. Because of this, i have had many moments to ponder, unobstructed by pesky things such as normal stimulating conversation and companionship. Anyway, as i explore the recesses of my wonderful and cynical mind i have also learned a few things about traveling without a companion, pet, or even beloved stuffed animal. I will now share them with you because i am alone, as i mention subtly, and i can't speak to these issues with anyone other then my pillow and the box of pop tarts i bought and put in my suitcase for safekeeping...

1. Eating alone - this i have yet to truly master. My eye wanders because there is no one accross from me and i always make eye contact with people close by one to many times therefore they get paranoid and think i'm listening to their conversations. Of course, i am, because i'm alone... people need to get more interesting and spill juicy secrets over lunch...

2. Picture taking - when alone this becomes an Olympic event... you line up your shot then hit the button and sprint to your location. This means that you walk away the winner of breathtaking pictures of yourself sweaty and slightly off center (both mentally and physically). Additionally, you have all those annoying profile pictures with you holding the camera out and taking a picture... despite the fact that you are alone and that was the only option, it still comes across as being vain and self-centered.

3. Death - if for some reason i am snorkeling and get eaten by a barracuda and/or stung by a lionfish... no one will see and come to my rescue... this means that i will sink to the bottom of the ocean reflecting on my lack of friends and in paralyzing fear as to who will play me in the lifetime movie made about this untimely death entitled 'Alone in Solitude'.

4. Comments - when i am an island (ironically on an island) i must keep my cruel judgments of other people to myself, that's how Miss Manners would want it, but not i.

Even with these perils of solo stardom i must go on. Eventually i will master them all... i'm fully prepared to punch a lionfish in the face. Stay tuned.

Cartoon Consistency

Recently my summer has mostly consisted of looking after and caring for children. Through this apparent career path i seem to be on, i have learned a few things about how times have changed since my days of being a wide-eyed youngster... the biggest one is television. I have managed to take most of these changes in stride, after all, in my day i spent many a day walking uphill, in the snow, without shoes to get to a TV. However, i do have one grievance... i mean let’s be honest it wouldn't be me if i didn't... and it has to do with a wardrobe consistency that seems to be forever lacking in the world of cartoon characters.

Let me set the scene... you are watching a charming tale of woodland creatures learning a thing or two about the delights of friendship... all is going well, but wait one furry fella is wearing a shirt, implying there is a need for covering what is under said shirt, no judgments, just saying how it is, and look over there next to a poorly drawn stump i see a similar creature only wearing man capris (a.k.a. manpris), once again implying that there is a need to hide whatever is under and between said bottoms. Then adorable animal number three comes out of a thicket he/she is not wearing a stitch of clothing... Exhibitionist? Nudist? Not sure, the huge inconsistency makes me feel as though a great violation is being forced upon me.   Now if they were all in the birthday suit a la Bambi, then fine, they are how God created them with no embellishments from Walt, but when this mix-n-match fashion starts happening, I don’t know where to look…  Should I advert my eyes, or should I stare into the furry depths hoping for a glimpse of chipmunk naughty bits ?

I don't mean to rain on the t-shirt of the few consistency clothed woodland friends and make you cringe every time a rabbit bursts out of the brush and shows you the stick and berries that God, or our friend Walt, gave to them. It’s been bothering me for quite a while.

I Will Survive the Hurricane

For those of you who don't know, I have been and will be kicking it in the Caribbean for the summer. A tidbit for those whole have not been here at this time of year: it is hurricane season. This means that every afternoon we are treated to the wonderful rhythmic sounds of wind and rain, and I lay awake wondering if I have an evacuation plan. So, in light of not giving you those bothersome traveling blog posts, I will now share my the top 3 things that go through my head as the wind and rain pelts against my shelter and nerves.

1. If people get to Oz with simple wind, imagine where I could go with wind AND rain... I wouldn't survive, for starters I don't do well with people that don't reach my elbow - it makes me think I am going to step on them. Also, I doubt that anyone would have any shoes I could borrow, as I have a very specific size. Furthermore, following a cobbled street to my "final destination" to get "home" just seems like a metaphor for death which would make me very concerned during my whole journey... I'm just not cut out for it...

2. I don't have the facts on this, but I would like to think that high winds coupled with pelting rain really gives our feathered friends a hard time, and there are a lot of miniature chickens here. Being both small things and fowl makes them doubly irritating to me... I partly hope that they get washed away out to sea... And this comforts me.

3. Have all those swim meets and being a resident of Oregon prepared me for this exact natural disaster? I may be the only survivor.

And so here I wait for my destiny, until next time.