Emergency Contacts and Lies

I was thinking about my emergency contacts, mostly because I was driving. Having not gotten the racecar-driver gene despite my last name being McLaren, I can admit--and both my sister and a dead bobcat can attest to--my incompetence behind the wheel. This made me think about my family and who specifically I would want to receive the call in an emergency, As I thought more, I realized that they have, in fact, been lying to me for all these years. Here are the little white/gray/dark black lies they have uttered throughout the years:

1. Brownie Points: Call me impressionable, but I did many things in my youth under the misapprehension that I could somehow cash in all these "points" for some sort of reward, much like the a businessman cashing in his frequent flyer bonus. I had visions of frolicking at Disneyland (alone, because my sister did not share my quest for the most brownie points), or Epcot Center, or at least Dairy Queen. . . In fact, I have so many accrued, unused brownie points I am practically diabetic. Oh, mother-- you got away with it then, but no more.

2. God's Country: For many years, I made a pilgrimage to God's Country with my mother and sister. Where is this Great Land of the Higher Power? Ohio. More specifically, Cleveland. My grandfather told me this when I asked him why he never left. If you've ever been anywhere near Cleveland, or looked at the bottom of your coffee cup before you've thrown it away, you have an idea of how false this truly is. . . I can safely say Ohio is not a place people are fighting wars over.

3. Slight Pinch: This nonsense is told to us for many moons as we grow up. I think the first time I heard it was as I was being born. . . It is always a lie or an exaggeration. If by "pinch" they mean eye-crossing, searing pain, then, hey-- they are right on! If they mean "pinch" as in "Oh, pinch me! I think I'm dreaming!", they are way, way off. So whenever I hear this expression, I immediately start to cringe and even bodily recoil because I know what's coming. And it's not slight in any way, shape, or form.

So I have decided that my former family members might not be getting the call.