Another large life change that has happened in my life since my blogging demise: my change of residence. All in all I feel I don't move super well. I blame my parents. Damn that stable upbringing, it really didn't teach me much in the way of a mobile lifestyle. Anyways, since I have moved once a year since leaving the annoyingly steadfast nest, I have realized some trends. This should come as no surprise to you, being as I know that the 3 of you still out there turn to me for my genius observations on all things in life... but I digress. The point is, I now know that there are some things about moving that must remain the same…They always come to pass. Yes, my supper supporters, I have found the 6 stages of moving...
STAGE 1: Denial
Despite looming deadlines, subject completely rejects location change and at times takes on strange, time-consuming, and messy projects that directly counteract the act of moving.
STAGE 2: Anger
Subject grows temperamental, and suddenly the fact that current dwelling is only a few cinder blocks above a makeshift homeless shanty means nothing.... the thought of greener pastures, upon which subject could frolic in new dwelling, no longer appeals.
STAGE 3: Cursing Your Country
Instead of taking responsibility for 3 yoga mats, subject turns on country for creating a materialistic monster. Oprah reruns might be involved, as well as private screenings of Blood Diamond, all allowing subject to conclude that it is America's fault for fostering this materialism, not the fact that someone felt that every book ever written could be useful sometime in one's lifetime….
STAGE 4: Purge
Subject attempts to remove all belongings and keeps (what i have deemed) an apocalyptic kit - one outfit generally involving a scarf, a few simple tools, one electronic device of choice, one random item, and possibly a handsome black man like Will Smith to protect them.
STAGE 5: Acceptance
Subject has come to terms with the fact that soon they will leave current dwelling and that it will happen with or without all their prized belongings. Most likely with all possessions, prized and unprized alike, because now it is too late to purge anything… Curses, too much thinking about Will Smith in Stage 4…
STAGE 6: Panic
Due to the fact that the purging stage ended quickly, possibly with tears, subject is found on a mountain of things with very many of them pokey and very few of them packed. Due to looming U-Haul appointments and lease endings, subject becomes darty-eyed and concerned about ever leaving. Subject starts to feel strange, agoraphobia starts to creep in…
Now, depending on timeline/roommate situation, Stage 2 can turn into super rage and then you really have a party. Additionally, if you are moving soon, I recommend a few episodes of Hoarders, it can really do wonders for inspiration...
Well, good news my faithful followers, I have not died, despite the fact that it may have appeared that way. I don't have much of an excuse, except to say that the once kind, loving embrace of higher education turned strangling.
One of the greatest developments of my slightly below-average life is that, through non-sexual means, I have figured out how to see movies for free. Now, what better way for me to come back than with my amazing sarcasm, guidance, and general life lessons and an overview of the 2 most glorious movies I have seen since I dropped off the face of the earth.
The Avengers - not to tell you how right I am, but let us review:
--coveted things that glow, check. This time in a convient travel-size staff, cause that's how all the cool kids accesorize.
--deformity. In this case it's more of a lack of hygene and ability to work shampoo into one's daily routine, but same thing.
--cool toys. In addition to the general awesomeness that comes with his glowing walking stick, it can also sort of beam him to another planet. Nothing says great vacay from planning the oh-so-stressful Earth-taking-over like chilling off-planet. It's exhausting trying to control everyone, just ask George Bush; I bet he wishes his ranch was another planet...
--posse. Sometimes its a burden being so right.... let's review: Avengers, like 5 people in epic need of some trust circle exercises, vs. greasy Gandoff with a giant alien army. Some people feel that you can't be friends with those you command, but due to my desire to command a small army of my own, I'd like to think there is a chance...
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - this is probably the greatest movie of the year. As a movie-goer, it gives you more than just simply watching a movie, it gives you so many questions that allow for self reflection.... here is what was going through my mind.
-- Is this real life?
-- This movie makes me a little embarrassed to be a human being... This is even worse than when I watched the Real Housewives Reunion and felt my soul die.
-- If I wasn't a human what would I be?
--(During horse fight over and on top stampeding horses) Suck it Mufasa, if you were a real father you could have overcome a few wildebeests...
-- Is this real life?
-- What about Abraham screams vampire hunter? Must have been the top hat, that's why I never took Buffy seriously...
-- Turns out vampires were in charge of slavery. I wish I had that angle in my history class in college freshman year...
-- Hitler must have been a werewolf.
Additionally, I would like to report that while there have been no confirmed sightings of the devil, it is apparent that he is alive, well, and working with Nicholas Cage's people. How else would a second Ghost Rider have been made?
There is so much more, my reliable readers, but since you have been denied my greatness for so long we have to ease back into this. Stay tuned.
