The 6 Stages of Moving

Another large life change that has happened in my life since my blogging demise: my change of residence. All in all I feel I don't move super well. I blame my parents. Damn that stable upbringing, it really didn't teach me much in the way of a mobile lifestyle. Anyways, since I have moved once a year since leaving the annoyingly steadfast nest, I have realized some trends. This should come as no surprise to you, being as I know that the 3 of you still out there turn to me for my genius observations on all things in life... but I digress. The point is, I now know that there are some things about moving that must remain the same…They always come to pass. Yes, my supper supporters, I have found the 6 stages of moving...

STAGE 1: Denial
Despite looming deadlines, subject completely rejects location change and at times takes on strange, time-consuming, and messy projects that directly counteract the act of moving.

STAGE 2: Anger
Subject grows temperamental, and suddenly the fact that current dwelling is only a few cinder blocks above a makeshift homeless shanty means nothing.... the thought of greener pastures, upon which subject could frolic in new dwelling, no longer appeals.

STAGE 3: Cursing Your Country
Instead of taking responsibility for 3 yoga mats, subject turns on country for creating a materialistic monster. Oprah reruns might be involved, as well as private screenings of Blood Diamond, all allowing subject to conclude that it is America's fault for fostering this materialism, not the fact that someone felt that every book ever written could be useful sometime in one's lifetime….

STAGE 4: Purge
Subject attempts to remove all belongings and keeps (what i have deemed) an apocalyptic kit - one outfit generally involving a scarf, a few simple tools, one electronic device of choice, one random item, and possibly a handsome black man like Will Smith to protect them.

STAGE 5: Acceptance 
Subject has come to terms with the fact that soon they will leave current dwelling and that it will happen with or without all their prized belongings. Most likely with all possessions, prized and unprized alike, because now it is too late to purge anything… Curses, too much thinking about Will Smith in Stage 4…

STAGE 6: Panic
Due to the fact that the purging stage ended quickly, possibly with tears, subject is found on a mountain of things with very many of them pokey and very few of them packed. Due to looming U-Haul appointments and lease endings, subject becomes darty-eyed and concerned about ever leaving. Subject starts to feel strange, agoraphobia starts to creep in…

Now, depending on timeline/roommate situation, Stage 2 can turn into super rage and then you really have a party. Additionally, if you are moving soon, I recommend a few episodes of Hoarders, it can really do wonders for inspiration...