I'm Back

Well, good news my faithful followers, I have not died, despite the fact that it may have appeared that way. I don't have much of an excuse, except to say that the once kind, loving embrace of higher education turned strangling.

One of the greatest developments of my slightly below-average life is that, through non-sexual means, I have figured out how to see movies for free. Now, what better way for me to come back than with my amazing sarcasm, guidance, and general life lessons and an overview of the 2 most glorious movies I have seen since I dropped off the face of the earth.

The Avengers - not to tell you how right I am, but let us review: 
     --coveted things that glow, check. This time in a convient travel-size staff, cause that's how all the cool kids accesorize. 
     --deformity. In this case it's more of a lack of hygene and ability to work shampoo into one's daily routine, but same thing.
     --cool toys. In addition to the general awesomeness that comes with his glowing walking stick, it can also sort of beam him to another planet. Nothing says great vacay from planning the oh-so-stressful Earth-taking-over like chilling off-planet. It's exhausting trying to control everyone, just ask George Bush; I bet he wishes his ranch was another planet... 
     --posse. Sometimes its a burden being so right.... let's review: Avengers, like 5 people in epic need of some trust circle exercises, vs. greasy Gandoff with a giant alien army. Some people feel that you can't be friends with those you command, but due to my desire to command a small army of my own, I'd like to think there is a chance...

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - this is probably the greatest movie of the year. As a movie-goer, it gives you more than just simply watching a movie, it gives you so many questions that allow for self reflection.... here is what was going through my mind.
     -- Is this real life?
     -- This movie makes me a little embarrassed to be a human being... This is even worse than when I watched the Real Housewives Reunion and felt my soul die.
     -- If I wasn't a human what would I be?
     --(During horse fight over and on top stampeding horses) Suck it Mufasa, if you were a real father you could have overcome a few wildebeests... 
     -- Is this real life?
     -- What about Abraham screams vampire hunter? Must have been the top hat, that's why I never took Buffy seriously... 
     -- Turns out vampires were in charge of slavery. I wish I had that angle in my history class in college freshman year...
     -- Hitler must have been a werewolf.

Additionally, I would like to report that while there have been no confirmed sightings of the devil, it is apparent that he is alive, well, and working with Nicholas Cage's people. How else would a second Ghost Rider have been made?

There is so much more, my reliable readers, but since you have been denied my greatness for so long we have to ease back into this. Stay tuned.