Last year at this time i was trying to deicide what my costume was to be for this Hallows Eve. I was then and now concerned with those sexy fairies i saw flitting around beer can pyramids on the handful of nights around Halloween. I am now out of alcoholic soaked years of college, and moved on to the big city, alas, it appears that even though i thought the slutty black cat had gone away, it appears that it came back the very next day, much like symptoms of common STD's. Anyway, in addition to my previous rules i have added a few more that one should take into account as they stumble about tomorrow.
1. Costume Size: there is your real age, then your Halloween age. While you may be in your early 20's, many find themselves in a costume meant for a small tike ages 3 to 5. Allow me to clarify, oh Drunken Slutmonster: 3 to 5 is the age of the toddler that should be in your "sexy" Thomas the Train outfit. That “3 to 5” on the package is an age, not how many drinks it’s guessing you had before you walked into that innocent Wallgreens and decided that it would be “supercute!”
2. Ears and Tails: despite what you think, just adding ears and a tail do not make a costume; they make a deformity. They do not justify you squeezing into a unitard and calling it a kitty. Maybe you feel that they represent evolution, but if that were true you would have been dead many moons ago.
3. Make-up: sadly, due to ‘The Jersey Shore’ and the downfall of humanity, the makeup people put on on Halloween is only allegedly different from their everyday regimen, but I'm not so sure. Anyone that has been to a party with twenty-somethings in this post-‘Hangover’ era knows that people, mostly ladies, do show up to parties wearing makeup that is very similar to that of a zombie. On the 31st, they just add a nose and some whiskers.
4. Bra: A bra does not a costume make no good idea starts with opening your dresser drawer and investigating your intimates. If you have a deep desire to go out in your bra and don't have the money to really explore that desire with a heavy dose of counseling and/or pills, i suggest 2 options. Honesty, like saying your a stripper, go go dancer, or any other occupation that would send your mother into a deep pit of despair they are never ones for a lot of clothing coverage. OR abstract, like telling people you are a reason for divorce, or just plain republican denial, people will understand and probably think you are more intelligent than you really are.
5. Bastardization: as a general rule, one should not recycle costumes that you wore in your infant/toddler years when, I am told, you were cute. I don't care what way you slice it, pumpkin + baby = cute and a bit squishy, but pumpkin + anyone over the age of 6 = boob cover. Moral of the story: stop bastardizing your youth and move away from the newborn section at Walmart.
6. Accessorizes: throwing on a cape, or wings to ones usual outfit also does not qualify as a costume. I'm just as proud as the next person that you can still fit into jumpers from baby Gap and call it a party outfit, but you need a bit more effort. Additionally, you can't just carry anything with you as you stumble about in a garment that has been wildly accepted as a shirt despite the fact that you wear it as a dress. Once i was a girl wearing what a assume was originally a scarf and a teddybear. Confused? Cause i sure was, the only thing i could think of was that she was going as regression, reminding us all that it takes one night too hard before you are back at home asking about nap time.
And so as you can see, my mysterious munchkins, it’s not that easy when, due to the life choices of others, Halloween becomes a whole different kind of scary when the sun goes down.
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