The 6 Stages of Moving

Another large life change that has happened in my life since my blogging demise: my change of residence. All in all I feel I don't move super well. I blame my parents. Damn that stable upbringing, it really didn't teach me much in the way of a mobile lifestyle. Anyways, since I have moved once a year since leaving the annoyingly steadfast nest, I have realized some trends. This should come as no surprise to you, being as I know that the 3 of you still out there turn to me for my genius observations on all things in life... but I digress. The point is, I now know that there are some things about moving that must remain the same…They always come to pass. Yes, my supper supporters, I have found the 6 stages of moving...

STAGE 1: Denial
Despite looming deadlines, subject completely rejects location change and at times takes on strange, time-consuming, and messy projects that directly counteract the act of moving.

STAGE 2: Anger
Subject grows temperamental, and suddenly the fact that current dwelling is only a few cinder blocks above a makeshift homeless shanty means nothing.... the thought of greener pastures, upon which subject could frolic in new dwelling, no longer appeals.

STAGE 3: Cursing Your Country
Instead of taking responsibility for 3 yoga mats, subject turns on country for creating a materialistic monster. Oprah reruns might be involved, as well as private screenings of Blood Diamond, all allowing subject to conclude that it is America's fault for fostering this materialism, not the fact that someone felt that every book ever written could be useful sometime in one's lifetime….

STAGE 4: Purge
Subject attempts to remove all belongings and keeps (what i have deemed) an apocalyptic kit - one outfit generally involving a scarf, a few simple tools, one electronic device of choice, one random item, and possibly a handsome black man like Will Smith to protect them.

STAGE 5: Acceptance 
Subject has come to terms with the fact that soon they will leave current dwelling and that it will happen with or without all their prized belongings. Most likely with all possessions, prized and unprized alike, because now it is too late to purge anything… Curses, too much thinking about Will Smith in Stage 4…

STAGE 6: Panic
Due to the fact that the purging stage ended quickly, possibly with tears, subject is found on a mountain of things with very many of them pokey and very few of them packed. Due to looming U-Haul appointments and lease endings, subject becomes darty-eyed and concerned about ever leaving. Subject starts to feel strange, agoraphobia starts to creep in…

Now, depending on timeline/roommate situation, Stage 2 can turn into super rage and then you really have a party. Additionally, if you are moving soon, I recommend a few episodes of Hoarders, it can really do wonders for inspiration...

I'm Back

Well, good news my faithful followers, I have not died, despite the fact that it may have appeared that way. I don't have much of an excuse, except to say that the once kind, loving embrace of higher education turned strangling.

One of the greatest developments of my slightly below-average life is that, through non-sexual means, I have figured out how to see movies for free. Now, what better way for me to come back than with my amazing sarcasm, guidance, and general life lessons and an overview of the 2 most glorious movies I have seen since I dropped off the face of the earth.

The Avengers - not to tell you how right I am, but let us review: 
     --coveted things that glow, check. This time in a convient travel-size staff, cause that's how all the cool kids accesorize. 
     --deformity. In this case it's more of a lack of hygene and ability to work shampoo into one's daily routine, but same thing.
     --cool toys. In addition to the general awesomeness that comes with his glowing walking stick, it can also sort of beam him to another planet. Nothing says great vacay from planning the oh-so-stressful Earth-taking-over like chilling off-planet. It's exhausting trying to control everyone, just ask George Bush; I bet he wishes his ranch was another planet... 
     --posse. Sometimes its a burden being so right.... let's review: Avengers, like 5 people in epic need of some trust circle exercises, vs. greasy Gandoff with a giant alien army. Some people feel that you can't be friends with those you command, but due to my desire to command a small army of my own, I'd like to think there is a chance...

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - this is probably the greatest movie of the year. As a movie-goer, it gives you more than just simply watching a movie, it gives you so many questions that allow for self reflection.... here is what was going through my mind.
     -- Is this real life?
     -- This movie makes me a little embarrassed to be a human being... This is even worse than when I watched the Real Housewives Reunion and felt my soul die.
     -- If I wasn't a human what would I be?
     --(During horse fight over and on top stampeding horses) Suck it Mufasa, if you were a real father you could have overcome a few wildebeests... 
     -- Is this real life?
     -- What about Abraham screams vampire hunter? Must have been the top hat, that's why I never took Buffy seriously... 
     -- Turns out vampires were in charge of slavery. I wish I had that angle in my history class in college freshman year...
     -- Hitler must have been a werewolf.

Additionally, I would like to report that while there have been no confirmed sightings of the devil, it is apparent that he is alive, well, and working with Nicholas Cage's people. How else would a second Ghost Rider have been made?

There is so much more, my reliable readers, but since you have been denied my greatness for so long we have to ease back into this. Stay tuned.

Halloween Horrors

Last year at this time i was trying to deicide what my costume was to be for this Hallows Eve. I was then and now concerned with those sexy fairies i saw flitting around beer can pyramids on the handful of nights around Halloween. I am now out of alcoholic soaked years of college, and moved on to the big city, alas, it appears that even though i thought the slutty black cat had gone away, it appears that it came back the very next day, much like symptoms of common STD's. Anyway, in addition to my previous rules i have added a few more that one should take into account as they stumble about tomorrow.

1. Costume Size: there is your real age, then your Halloween age. While you may be in your early 20's, many find themselves in a costume meant for a small tike ages 3 to 5. Allow me to clarify, oh Drunken Slutmonster: 3 to 5 is the age of the toddler that should be in your "sexy" Thomas the Train outfit. That “3 to 5” on the package is an age, not how many drinks it’s guessing you had before you walked into that innocent Wallgreens and decided that it would be “supercute!”

2. Ears and Tails: despite what you think, just adding ears and a tail do not make a costume; they make a deformity. They do not justify you squeezing into a unitard and calling it a kitty. Maybe you feel that they represent evolution, but if that were true you would have been dead many moons ago.

3. Make-up: sadly, due to ‘The Jersey Shore’ and the downfall of humanity, the makeup people put on on Halloween is only allegedly different from their everyday regimen, but I'm not so sure. Anyone that has been to a party with twenty-somethings in this post-‘Hangover’ era knows that people, mostly ladies, do show up to parties wearing makeup that is very similar to that of a zombie. On the 31st, they just add a nose and some whiskers.

4. Bra: A bra does not a costume make no good idea starts with opening your dresser drawer and investigating your intimates. If you have a deep desire to go out in your bra and don't have the money to really explore that desire with a heavy dose of counseling and/or pills, i suggest 2 options. Honesty, like saying your a stripper, go go dancer, or any other occupation that would send your mother into a deep pit of despair they are never ones for a lot of clothing coverage. OR abstract, like telling people you are a reason for divorce, or just plain republican denial, people will understand and probably think you are more intelligent than you really are. 

5. Bastardization: as a general rule, one should not recycle costumes that you wore in your infant/toddler years when, I am told, you were cute. I don't care what way you slice it, pumpkin + baby = cute and a bit squishy, but pumpkin + anyone over the age of 6 = boob cover. Moral of the story: stop bastardizing your youth and move away from the newborn section at Walmart.

6. Accessorizes: throwing on a cape, or wings to ones usual outfit also does not qualify as a costume. I'm just as proud as the next person that you can still fit into jumpers from baby Gap and call it a party outfit, but you need a bit more effort. Additionally, you can't just carry anything with you as you stumble about in a garment that has been wildly accepted as a shirt despite the fact that you wear it as a dress. Once i was a girl wearing what a assume was originally a scarf and a teddybear. Confused? Cause i sure was, the only thing i could think of was that she was going as regression, reminding us all that it takes one night too hard before you are back at home asking about nap time. 

And so as you can see, my mysterious munchkins, it’s not that easy when, due to the life choices of others, Halloween becomes a whole different kind of scary when the sun goes down.

Small Man, Big Vault

Well we have survived the holidays my brave bookworms.  Now the real survival begins, trying not to succumb to the suicidal tendencies that winter brings forth. For those of you that do not have the pleasure of living somewhere down south you know that for the next few months here in the pacific northwest we have the pleasure of weather and a general environment that is akin to being stuck inside a fat old pigeon, gray and damp. I like to dull the ache that is depression by going to a darker place, so that in comparison the weather outside is cheerful, that's right i go to the movies.

Recently I went and saw Mission Impossible 3. I was drawn to this movie because of its half empty pessimistic title, and its munchkin of a leading man. You should not be surprised to know that Tom Cruise is still his same old self; strange and crazy. However, there is now a level of frustration (40% sexual 60% napoleon) that can be found under his smaller than normal couch jumping self. The upside to all of this is that I know now what's up in an action spy movie and I will share them with you.

1. Russians: Sadly they are never the good guys. If something is going down there are some Russians up in there and they tend to not be the nicest. I'm sorry that's just how it is.

2. The silver brief case: There is no way that someone can be just carrying one of those bad boys to work... then of course someone steals it and what not. This is not the stealth that is needed. Let's be real, what are they carrying in those brief cases that were used on the moon? Something small. My solution, fanny packs. Normally I don't condone their usage but in this case it is smart. No one expects a remote explosive in a fanny pack, better yet very few feel comfortable enough in their sexuality to reach for said explosive and run the risk of handling a very different projectile...

3. Small special thing big vault: Without fail as something the size of a matchbox is stored in a vault that also doubles as a racket ball court. I have decided that this is a bad guy over compensation issue, big vault, big truck, hiding small explosive....

In conclusion, unless this weather changes I will be forced to become, not a cat burglar, but a full on panther. I'm coming for you tom cruise, I lowered my line of vision.  I see you and the lolly pop guild that you command.... I'm coming.

Holiday Survival Part 2

Well, for some of you school is a thing of the past, gone are the days of writing papers about the usage of slug slime and its effect on the environments near and around retirement communities. You can frolic about and not have to deal with the blinding panic that comes with exams that judge your very being in 90 minutes or less... i'm not bitter... But its always comforting to know that family is always there to judge you. They seem to plan and condition themselves with intensity that could only be akin to what an olympic athlete goes through... but i digress, moving on. For those who are trapped at home with prying questions, i have come up with some evasive maneuvers as we work our way through the holidays...

1. Working hard or hardly working?
-- Just because you have joined the workforce, does not mean you have also aged 70 years and suddenly wear suspenders and sit around the water cooler talking about your new mini van. Life is not over, to avoid the "my first real job stories" its best to do imply that you aren't doing anything that someone can relate to.

EX: "If i were to choose i would say hardly working, that's the best part about being a call girl, i can make my own hours..."

2. I can't believe you're so old!
--It seems no matter when people saw you last you are getting older, imagine that. The bright side is that at least in a few years they won't be able to ask that anymore, but the key to evasion is just the right amount of snarkiness so that there will be no rebuttal.

EX: "I am getting older, but the Grim Reaper hasn't asked to be my facebook friend yet so i think i still have a few good years left."

3. How's life in the real world?
--Look just because our lives my have been built on a foundation of red plastic cups, running on a mixture of redbull and some sort of drink that would even make Kanye envious, and we functioned on a sleeping schedule that raccoons revered does not mean that we were not in the real world. We were in the real-ish world, very close to the real thing.

EX: To be honest there is no come back from this, partly because its hard not to be a total beezy and also because after the afore-mentioned words were uttered i was then standing over the unconscious body of a senior.

And so my frolicking followers, i hope that you survived everything and had a happy holidays.

Holiday Survival Part 1

Last Christmas i spent some time south of the border pondering a career change and i gave you, my benevolent bookworms, some advice in ways to survive these coming days as we move out of Sharing Season and into the Season of giving. These tips are mostly for those who still find themselves deep within the strangling clutches of academia. At the time i figured that i would have left  the hallowed ivy cover womb that is college and be out in the world. This, is not the case, and so i have a need for this once again, i hope it will help you, seeing as it is of little comfort to me as i softly weep over my degree every morning before class.

These answers are to avoid any of the when i was your age talk, as well as mildly disturb the person who has made it their mission to interview you...

1. The sexual update/mate selection question

-- i find that this works best by going the complete other direction, and don’t be afraid to be specific

EX: “You know i’m not so much into boys anymore, i’m really attracted to aliens, but not just any, only the ones from 2 galaxies down, and 1 over”

2. What’s your major/life study?

--this is a formula start with The History of - followed by a word that means hard to find (rare, unique, obscure) - then a random country - and last anything you could find in a library or museum 

EX: “I’m studying The History of Obscure Madagascar Statues”

3.What is the best/most important thing you have learned in college/your life?

--this is where one really must avoid the stories of the olden days of 1920. Now you can go two routes the honest

EX: “i’ve really learned the effects of large amounts of alcohol on the body and property that’s not mine”

or the other option of a class that you really learned a lot in, again a formula, Dr. - followed by the 2 names of tool bags that you can think of - “and his class on the” - an SAT word (juxtaposition, globalization, opposition...) - of - a food of any kind 

EX: “The class i learned the most in was definitely Dr. Phil Trump’s and his class on the Juxtaposition of Mashed Potatoes"

4. And then of course the future plans talk

--Tell them you are planning to join and organization/group, but everyone knows someone who was in the peace corps, or red cross and no one wants to sit through that boredom... so simply choose a emotion - and follow it by something you would find in a city

EX: “I think i’m going to join the group Happy School Busses/Angry Sidewalks its all about getting kinds to school, and repairing the cracks in their own emotional sidewalks.” 


Stay tuned for part 2 for those who are in the real world, because as we know, nothing saves you from prying questions from your family. 

Dear Screaming Dysfunctional Couple that Lives Above me

Dear Screaming Dysfunctional Couple that Lives Above me,

To say that it is late would be an understatement. The entire cast of Jersey Shore went to sleep almost an hour ago. I also have to say that I both commend and am appalled by the fact that you can scream for hours while doing what I can only assume to be a square dance. makes me think of home. I personally never really considered that my yelling points would really be driven home had I added a do-si-do at the end. 

At first I wasn't sure that there was a man involved in this dysfunction at all, since all I could hear were the rambling cries of a cat-lady in the making. However, as I lay awake imagining what type of instrument could go through a ceiling yet is easy to camouflage upon moving out, I hear the distinct murmur of a man who knows he is fighting a losing battle. This is further verified as this gentleman tries to work his way out of the dog mansion he finds himself in with what seems to be a bad two-step. And to the woman with the voice range Mariah Carrey would envy: we get it. he doesn't appreciate you. The first 12 times you screeched it I was unclear, but now I understand. He is ungrateful. Blah-blah-blah. Go get a kitten that will be the start of what I'm sure will be a loving pack for your later years, and drown your sorrows in ice cream. I think Ben and Jerry's actually makes a flavor called Bitterness. You might gain 800 pounds and fall through my ceiling, but at least it will keep your mouth busy.

Wishing you strep throat resulting in voice loss,

Sidney