Thoughts from a Weary Traveler

Hello comrades, 

I know it has been long... For those of you who follow my whereabouts in an unstocker-like manner you know that i have been spending the last few days south of the border with people the allegedly share my DNA. Like all family vacations this time spent with those with whom i share genes was successful considering that we all have return with our limbs intact. Of course another way at which to gage success to look back on all that one has learned, and so i will do so and as such share with you some wonderful morsels about traveling abroad for your holiday enjoyment:

1. A rule of family vacations, embrace your personal embezzler and milk those who have sired you. There are only a few years where this is acceptable and when you are out of the country you can really get things going.

2. Americans, in what seems like an exclusive move, feel that it is comforting to bring part of their own environment and culture with them when traveling out of the country. This means that people who are not conditioned must suddenly be visually assaulted by your camo outfits. This is hard to handle for anyone, and the only time it really seems acceptable is when you are standing proudly over a freshly killed jackolop in a wooded area near or around G. W.’s ranch or the greater Republic of Texas. 

So please older redneck sitting in front of me on the plane. I don’t know if you noticed but you are in a white tin box with illuminated exit signs. Everyone can see you, and they do not care for it. If you want to be a rebel tamper with the laboratory smoke detecters, that’s really frowned upon. 

3. As part of the human condition we try and relate to each other. This means that if you meet someone from Michigan human instinct may make you try to forge a connection with them by discussing the law about how one cannot tie a alligator to a fire hydrant (yeah that’s true, thank you Sidney for furthering my knowledge and helping me grow). However this need to relate that we have within us has one major flaw, and it goes something like this...

“So where are you from?”

“Oh I’m from Oregon.” 

(Here it comes) “Oregon really? I have a second cousin that lives there, do you know Sally Smith?”

Why does this happen? Oregon is small yes but we just added our 108th person last month and it very well could have been Sally Smith. While most people think we just hopped off our wagons and made a hut out of a deer carcass, there are actually a few people over here. This, of course, is not something only i encounter, i could not imagine with people who live in states with more that 12 people do. And so i say weary traveler, no, i don’t know Sally Smith and i am appalled that you would ask me. 

And so i give you a few educational traveling observations to ponder over this holiday. You can now rest easy knowing that all 10, yes in my heart i feel we have reached double digits, people who read this can get excited that i am once again back in cyberspace. 

Happy Holidays 

How to survive the holiday's...

Greetings, 

I am hailing to you from the Phenix airport on my way to Mexico to try my hand at becoming a heroin smuggler for 2 weeks. Now you may think to yourself “whatever will i do without your infinite guidance and wisdom?” well skipper calm yourself, i have compiled a survival guide to all the annoying questions that tend to bombard one over the holidays. 

These answers are to avoid any of the when i was your age talk, as well as mildly disturb the person who has made it their mission to interview you...

1. The sexual update/mate selection question
1. i find that this works best by going the complete other direction, and don’t be afraid to be specific

EX: “You know i’m not so much into boys anymore, i’m really attracted to aliens, but not just any, only the ones from 2 galaxies down, and 1 over”

1. What’s your major/life study?
1. this is a formula start with The History of - followed by a word that means hard to find (rare, unique, obscure) - then a random country - and last anything you could find in a library or museum 

EX: “I’m studying The History of Obscure Madagascar Statues”

1. What is the best/most important thing you have learned in college/your life?
1. this is where one really must avoid the stories of the olden days of 1920. Now you can go two routes the honest

EX: “i’ve really learned the effects of large amounts of alcohol on the body and property that’s not mine”

or the other option of a class that you really learned a lot in, again a formula, Dr. - followed by the 2 names of tool bags that you can think of - “and his class on the” - an SAT word (juxtaposition, globalization, opposition...) - of - a food of any kind 

EX: “The class i learned the most in was definitely Dr. Trump Phil’s and his class on the Juxtaposition of Mashed Potatoes.

1. And then of course the future plans talk
1. Tell them you are planning to join and organization/group, but everyone knows someone who was in the peace corps, or red cross and no one wants to sit through that boredom... so simply choose a emotion - and follow it by something you would find in a city

EX: “I think i’m going to join the group Happy School Busses/Angry Sidewalks and so on” 

Finally learning things during finals...

Today during my last final i spelled my name wrong. This is clearly a warning sign that my brain is full, and because of this i have decided to attempt to unload some of the information i learned during and around finals week on the 5 of you, not including my mother, that read this monstrosity:

1. there is nothing more gratifying than writing a paper single spaced and making that bitch double. Suddenly that one paragraph that you wrote in between the times you were facebooking, online shopping, and general googling, turned into 2 PARAGRAPHS and you feel far more accomplished meaning it is time for a study break....

2. writing a 10 page paper about the ramification of electronic manufacturing and globalization, is a way to make a person that has not thought about taking their own life begin to seriously consider it...

3. kangaroos can't jump backwards, so if your finals fail you there is something to take home

4. a warning to people who wear normal clothing to the library YOU WILL BE JUDGED this is a time for sweatpants, please partake...

and so as you can see i learned a lot about myself and made harsh judgements about those around me, this, my friends, is what the true meaning of finals week is

Winnie the Pooh - Where are they now?

Today i was able to partake in the celebration of birth of one of my amigos. Now, being that it is not 1860 it is not exactly a feat that one can live to the ripe old age of 22 without scurvy, however in light of this event it did get me thinking about where other people from our youth may be...

and so we come to Winnie the Pooh, a child time classic, so where are they now?

1. Pooh - for our all time favorite bear lifetime of morbid obesity followed his many television appearances should have had a little more restraint around the honey jar. He also could never find a shirt that fit his entire upper body...

2. Eeoyre - in what i'm sure was a shocking twist to all who knew him Eeoyre threw himself out of a tree in the forest 2.5 years ago, my guess, depression.

3. Rabbit - always famous for his/her (?) garden, unfortunately recently it (the safest at this point) was found to be growing weed in the back acre...

4. Kanga - sadly Kanga turned to the pills to deal with the trails of single motherhood, look for her intervention TV special coming soon...

5. Roo - Roo managed to make it out of the 100 Acre Woods, and moved to the homeland of australia, where it (again why so unclear about gender) had an affair with the now deceased Steve Erwin... it is said that his love for Roo was what drove him into the stinger of the ray...

6. Owl - Owl, like so many other academics, got tenure and lost interest...

7. Tigger - after a tail sprain that forced him to walk like a normal creature Tigger joined Teachers of the World and now travels teaching high school students his complicated spelling system (T-I-double gah... come one)

8. Piglet - Piglet still serves Pooh, and has become the official forklift driver upon which the large bear sits...

and so you see friends we are all growing older and partaking in changes... hopefully none of us will be subject to the hard times that are created by being a Disney star (a la Miley Cyrus anyone?)...

Slaughter with Sarah Palin

I recently allowed myself the heartache and horror that came with watching the new TLC show Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Now i suppose i should have known that this show would be disturbing on the most basic level considering this is the channel that brought Toddlers in Tiaras, John & Kate Plus 8 (the ultimate guide to parenting), followed by Kate Plus 8 (the ultimate guide to whoring one’s children out to receive 15.4 minutes of fame), and of course Sister Wives (a look into the love that is found between a balding Mormon man and his many lady loves) into the homes of thousands. 

So enter Sarah P. in camo waders teaching her fellow americans about how to properly raise their children, and the wonders of this large state she now seems to own. Now here i was believing that Alaska belonged to many beard wearing mountain men. Silly me, after the elections i should know that Sarah has taken Alaska away from its previous owner, Balto. 

This episode that i watched focused on salmon, the audience watched in epic fascination as we learned about fishing, and its complicated ins and outs. This seems appropriate considering it seems as though she named all her children after tackle. 

Then there was a wonderful scene of fish slaughter. This, i assume, was Mrs. P trying to relate to the trailer park demographic that really believe that she is second only to god, and possibly Kid Rock. This was pretty much the extent of this show on the frigid frontier. Slaughter, it seems, is the main theme of this show. Considering that hunting and gathering seems to be Alaska's favorite past time (screw baseball) this seems that it is only appropriate. In the next episode Americans across the country can look forward watching P.money go hunting and say 20 times per episode that this isn't what divas/normal people do. 

She's really into driving that home. Divas don't scrub the deck of a fishing boat and so on. Well to you, Sarah darling, i say it must be so very hard not being a normal person. Normal people tend to have more than a high school diploma, and at times know what they are seeing from the porch at their house is not Russia, its just a boat. No one will ever again call you normal, diva-like, or intelligent rest assured. 

ATTENTION WOMEN NO SHAVE NOVEMBER IS OVER!

Who thought of this? Women don't feed bears what makes you think we would want look, kiss, or stand near one? So most women, i'm sure, are so very excited that they will soon no longer be nuzzled by a wookie, for these brave women that have endured the last 30 days like the champs that they are i give you a few things to look forward to with your newly groomed pooch:

1. Next time you are near a place that has been bombed the wanted adds won't look like the lump of man flesh you wake up to every morning

2. Instead of watching the 18 hour Curious Case of Benjamin Button, you can watch your man groom and get 5 years younger... sadly Brad Pitt is not included
Just a few things to be thankful for this holiday season...

However, i do not completely ignore the women who live off the grid and love the felt faced look. So for those people i say shape up, all is not lost when your man takes up a razor, i have compiled a few simple things that you can do to keep the mountain man dream alive:

1. The type of men that participate in no shave november would not turn down the opportunity to drink, learn how to make, or be in the presence of, moonshine the ultimate beverage of choice for those who are lead by the logs so to speak

2. Have your man go chop some fire wood, or at the very least, (for you city folk) be really rough with some link-in logs.

So cheer up ladies (or gentlemen) just toss him a flannel shirt and break the shower in your dwelling, all is not lost with the removal of facial fleece

So whether you are pro the fuzzy jowls of the men around us or against just remember that with change often times comes less hair for men, both voluntary and god's cruel trick so lets be supportive...