Wordy Mysteries

Last night while I was lying awake, waiting for my oh-so-helpful sleepy time tea to work its magic, I began to think. Being as sleepy time tea is stupid, logically, I went on to other things I find to be equally stupid. For some reason, this led me to some saying I would prefer had made it out of the English language. These aren't just any sayings, these make me want to take a Lunesta with a shot of vodka and hop on some sort of heavy machinery and see what it can do... and so i will share these thoughts with you all.

Supercute: this is a phrase that I never use because of the following two things a) I have an epically high standard for cuteness, very few people/furry things make the cut, with this being said that means that I pretty much need the world's cutest baby holding a baby seal on top of a puppy inside of a wheelbarrow with baby bunnies all around to even have supercute cross my mind and b) I don't want to be one of those people that really bandy supercute around mostly because these are the same people that put smiley faces at the end of every text message and dot their i's with a heart, I'm not entirely convinced these people should be around and therefore I am a hypocrite if I use their lingo.

Working Stiff: mostly this confuses me, I feel that it can mean one of two things either a) work makes you aroused, inappropriate if you are anything other than a porn star, prostitute, or shoe salesman (because who are we kidding) or b) work makes you dead, this is only appropriate if you are one of those weird people that think that retirement is for suckers and you insisted on keeping your awesome career at Walmart and you kick it on the job in some forgotten aisle among tupperware...

Cuddle Bug: this is one I really can't wrap my head around, the way I see it you can cuddle like a bug (not a compliment), cuddle with a bug (apparently you did not fear the bed bug epidemic), or bugs can cuddle, which seems creepy. Where did this come from and why is it now considered an endearment?

So now that I have at least hammered out these details I do not understand I can move on to other things that make no sense: what is the Bad Girls Club on Oxygen and how is it different from True Life: I'm an Alcoholic and or half of the people that anyone went to high school with?

Connecting with a Consort

It is near and around Valentine's Day. Like most of this country's holidays, Valentine's Day makes one think of people they want near and around their mouth. Currently i am in no position to discuss romance seeing as i spent my Valentine's weekend in a seminar about teen suicide (no joke, this is real life). And so if the squirrels around me, as well as Shark Week on the Discovery Channel have taught me anything, it is that animals are vicious and Spring is the time of love and mating. It is important that we all choose a proper consort... this can be done by avoiding certain aspects in the opposite sex. i have taken it upon myself to provide you with a few no no's for your loins:

a) Rule out anyone that wears a shirt that depicts something akin to a dragger (dragon-tiger) leaping out of a skull with a rose in its mouth... in rhinestones.

b) A person talks like a text message. "omg we r going 2 be in luv 4ever!!!" This could just be me, but i feel that one can say all the one syllable worlds "oh my god" instead of OMG, makes me think you are missing some chromosomes.

c) If a person's hair cutter and/or barber looks like it was any of Johnny Depp's characters, any of them. This will never have good ends results.

d) This may just be me but i am not into weird voices... some people sound like a furbie in distress do you want to hear that crying out in ecstasy? i think not.

Now of course these are only things to look for on the surface, but that it after all, the first thing you see when looking across a room. Marinate.

An Ode to the Banana

Oh banana you annoy me so,
But when i'm in the store i just can't let you go,

I clutch your yellow peel and take you home,
But then two days later you're as useful to me as a garden Nome,

Because you see, you have away of going brown at the first opportunity,
This kind of makes me want to smash you into eternity,

And so banana i've decided that it is you i hate,
Because in every thing around you your smell seems to permeate,

So i swear that i will purchase you no more,
For every time i do you treat me like a two dollar whore,

Goodbye you mashe yellow and brown fruit,
I will soon find another type of food to recruit.

Dear Drunk Girl Weaving Outside My Window

Dear Drunk Girl Weaving Outside My Window,

I don't know if you know this but it is 9:56 in the PM. I would like to share a few things with you that may help you make a few better life choices in the future.

1. At this point you are so far gone the only person that can find you is Charlie Sheen and possibly the porn star that was snorting coke off his chest hair, this probably isn't a good way to start the evening.

2. No one should be so drunk they can't walk untill we have at least hit time in the double digits.

3. While your screech of delight and drunken wail may be like a mating call to those who have yet to round out 2 decades of life, to those of us who have (and have yet to begin the drunken debauchery because we are not a 58-year-old alcoholic drinking wine from a box) it sounds more like a hedgehog massacre, so shut it.

So Drunk Girl let's make an effort to make better intoxication choices. After all, look at you. You clearly took a great deal of time wrapping that paper towel around you and calling it a dress, it's probably hard for you to stumble home without anyone seeing your naughty places. I commend you for making drunken debauchery more of an art form, all i ask is that you wait to start your consumption until after 10 PM. A good rule to go by is that if you could also be eating the early bird special at Denny's then it might be a little premature. After all, no one wants to give multiple meanings to the term hooch.

Thanks,
Sidney

Find Something Original to Say

I don't know if it is the fair weather we have been having or people just running out of original things to say, but recently I have been privy (yeah I said privy, go college) to many people around me using some common sayings that, surprise surprise, I take issue with. Taking issue with things seems to be my theme, the only lifestyle choice that would not drive me to madness is becoming a hermit it seems, but i digress. Anyway, here are some of these gems of the English language:

1. "Right as rain" - I can think of many ways in which rain is not right... example: hurricane. Who is like, "This is nice, i was thinking of taking a shower but thank god a storm with anger issues named after an 8 year old school girl is raging outside, epic relief." The only upside to hurricanes is that I would like to think that they really give seagulls a hard time, and that is awesome.

2. "It's like talking to a brick wall" - I take two issues with this: a) Are you calling this dull person fat also? There are many more svelte things that are equally unresponsive. Therefore, to me you are saying "Someone roughly the size of a brick wall also has some conversational issues". Lay off this person, clearly evolution hasn't caught us with them yet. b) Why have you been talking to brick walls? These days one sort of has to seek out a brick wall of the mildly conversational variety, unless you slept next to it last night, in a cardboard box... put 2 and 4 together if you know what i mean.

3. "Beat around the bush" - The adult version of Ring Around the Rosy? Lets not support violence against shrubbery, they have feelings too...

4. "Glass half empty" - People think that this is a "negative" way to look at things. I disagree, it really all depends on what is in said glass. Lemur innards? Glad it's half empty, nobody wants a whole glass of that. Chocolate milk? Damn i wanted a whole glass of that delicious dairy product. See it's really about how you look at it...

Jobs I Cannot Have

Recently I have been looking to my future. This means that i have to dig deep down and find some marketable skills. I have spent some time in the career center playing "What are your marketable skills bingo" and then, of course, i can always turn to one of those oh-so-helpful facebook quizzes. i'm sure there is a great "find your career quiz" sandwiched between "What is your second cousins divorce song?" and "Which farm animal would make your best spouse?". Through these tests and a great deal of self exploration i have really only come up with jobs that are really not for me:

Jobs at which i will fail:
1. Language Interpreter: i would have a hard time relaying what was actually happening without interjecting my own opinions "Big tool is speaking now. Really it's not all that important, i'll give you the cliff notes."
2. Suicide Hot line: it may just be that i only have one tone in my voice, or the fact that by the time you have told me your story i'm probably agreeing with you... neither are what you want at the edge of the building.
3. Service with a Smile: Story: i once actually was told by my boss that if i didn't smile more and seem upbeat we would have to have a talk about what it meant to be happy... i have worked hard to eliminate all emotion and have this same face when i am 52, no laugh lines...
4. Bird Trainer: you know how i feel about birds: they hate me, i hate them, and i have a strict do-not-hang-with-a-creature-that-can-and-will-poop-on-your-head policy.
5. Baker: this may come as a surprise, but i am a selective reader. i see the first few letters and assume that i have gotten the gist of the word; this makes teaspoon and tablespoon become very similar, not awesome.
5. Editor: this is partly for my aforementioned Selective Reader Syndrome, but also because i fear punctuation like a Mr. Clean fears hair extensions...

These are only a few of the jobs i have ruled out. I'm sure that in the near future facebook will come up with a quiz that is just right for me, and when i can find "Which Britney Spears song suits my left ankle best" i will finally know my destiny.