Jobs I Cannot Have

Recently I have been looking to my future. This means that i have to dig deep down and find some marketable skills. I have spent some time in the career center playing "What are your marketable skills bingo" and then, of course, i can always turn to one of those oh-so-helpful facebook quizzes. i'm sure there is a great "find your career quiz" sandwiched between "What is your second cousins divorce song?" and "Which farm animal would make your best spouse?". Through these tests and a great deal of self exploration i have really only come up with jobs that are really not for me:

Jobs at which i will fail:
1. Language Interpreter: i would have a hard time relaying what was actually happening without interjecting my own opinions "Big tool is speaking now. Really it's not all that important, i'll give you the cliff notes."
2. Suicide Hot line: it may just be that i only have one tone in my voice, or the fact that by the time you have told me your story i'm probably agreeing with you... neither are what you want at the edge of the building.
3. Service with a Smile: Story: i once actually was told by my boss that if i didn't smile more and seem upbeat we would have to have a talk about what it meant to be happy... i have worked hard to eliminate all emotion and have this same face when i am 52, no laugh lines...
4. Bird Trainer: you know how i feel about birds: they hate me, i hate them, and i have a strict do-not-hang-with-a-creature-that-can-and-will-poop-on-your-head policy.
5. Baker: this may come as a surprise, but i am a selective reader. i see the first few letters and assume that i have gotten the gist of the word; this makes teaspoon and tablespoon become very similar, not awesome.
5. Editor: this is partly for my aforementioned Selective Reader Syndrome, but also because i fear punctuation like a Mr. Clean fears hair extensions...

These are only a few of the jobs i have ruled out. I'm sure that in the near future facebook will come up with a quiz that is just right for me, and when i can find "Which Britney Spears song suits my left ankle best" i will finally know my destiny.