Connecting with a Consort

It is near and around Valentine's Day. Like most of this country's holidays, Valentine's Day makes one think of people they want near and around their mouth. Currently i am in no position to discuss romance seeing as i spent my Valentine's weekend in a seminar about teen suicide (no joke, this is real life). And so if the squirrels around me, as well as Shark Week on the Discovery Channel have taught me anything, it is that animals are vicious and Spring is the time of love and mating. It is important that we all choose a proper consort... this can be done by avoiding certain aspects in the opposite sex. i have taken it upon myself to provide you with a few no no's for your loins:

a) Rule out anyone that wears a shirt that depicts something akin to a dragger (dragon-tiger) leaping out of a skull with a rose in its mouth... in rhinestones.

b) A person talks like a text message. "omg we r going 2 be in luv 4ever!!!" This could just be me, but i feel that one can say all the one syllable worlds "oh my god" instead of OMG, makes me think you are missing some chromosomes.

c) If a person's hair cutter and/or barber looks like it was any of Johnny Depp's characters, any of them. This will never have good ends results.

d) This may just be me but i am not into weird voices... some people sound like a furbie in distress do you want to hear that crying out in ecstasy? i think not.

Now of course these are only things to look for on the surface, but that it after all, the first thing you see when looking across a room. Marinate.