Observing Oregonians

I am a true Oregonian, and as such, I have realized that there are just some things I am not capable of understanding and/or doing. Of course there is the traditional: I don't use an umbrella, and really let the rain wash over me. Of course, there are many parts of education you don't get living home, home on the range. I gotta learn from the streets, and here are some things every Oregonian has puzzled over...

a) Driving - we are not into horns, or anger on the road, this may be going back to our times on the homestead in a covered wagon. You can't be passing people and speeding along with your 15 children and a bison. Bull? Boat? That's going to bother me, anyway, slow goin'.

b) Sales Tax - what's up? Its like being lied to repeatedly, and without any rhyme or reason. This twinkie is $1.20 but wait at the register its $3.48, or sometimes they just seem to tack on 28 dollars to my Cheez-Its, playing with fire. AND did you notice that after you come back from one of these shopping ripoffs you have 14 pounds of change? This is not the America I know. Stay strong Alaska, Delaware, Montana, and New Hampshire - I believe in you.

c) Gas - self-serve gas is a mystery, and for women usually there are a few coy giggles and you have yourself a gas attendant also known as a creepy old man in a late model sports car, but for boys there is a whole other issue and this is how is goes every time, don't doubt me.
              Traditionally pale male Oregonian walks up to this odd contraption that pumps gas, FOR SOME REASON, this gas pump becomes a extension of his manhood, the pump his man stick, the gas his underpants navy, and the car, well his lady love, which is ironic because most of the time they like the car better than the actual female that is sitting in said car wondering why this man is no longer appealing outside of his native state. This creates a battle that can go one of 2 ways; 1) he forces that gas pump into the gas tank too quickly and for some reason it seems to take way to many uncomfortable minutes for the tank to fill, he's loving it, the car is mildly satisfied but knows that there have been better gas attendants or 2) in a frenzy he puts it in and its over really quickly, leaving the car less than full. And that is how you go way too far with a metaphor.

d) Not playing Oregon Trail - only the best way to pass your elementary years, let me explain for those of you who DIDN'T HAVE A CHILDHOOD. This is a computer game in which you and your family of too many children with biblical names travel along the Oregon trail. The kicker is that mostly you die and never make it and it has nothing to do with you or how you play. This is the only game in which your small children can get taken away by hawks and never be seen or heard from again (sorry Abraham), and your wagon is ravaged by cholera, never have I been so wrapped up in the health of a quadruped either, you gotta make sure that your oxen? or water buffalo?, cow?, are ready to go. Stressful for an 8 year old, but life lessons learned. 

So if you are not from the wild west, rejoice! And if you are from this soggy state, just be thankful that you have been strong enough to mourn the loss of infants being lost to large birds of pray, it's made you stronger, and we don't have to pump our own gas, silver lining.

The Latest in Eyewear

Let me begin by saying spring is a confusing time. Basically, it is the time of the year in which Mother Nature seems to be on the rage: the mood swings, sun, hail, rain, clouds, hot, cold, you have to pack an overnight bag to go outside for 15 minutes. That being said, this does not give you the license to make bad choices. I'm talking about eye wear. There are a few things that aren't acceptable no matter what the weather is like:

1. Transition Lenses: You want to know what transition lenses were made for? For transitioning between the bright kitchen, where your mom is making you a sandwich, back to the basement, where you live, on your 36th birthday. Do you ever see someone wearing transition lenses and think playa? Negative, sunglasses regular glasses, this is not a hyphenate situation. CHOOSE.

2. Clear Glasses: This is new and I don't understand it. Wearing something that impedes you as a fashion statement is like being envious of people with club feet then limping along all day. If I see you participating in this trend, I will call you grand-pappy Amis and hope that my ridicule, disappointment, and influence will make you reconsider your renob life choice.

3. Sunglasses:  I don't know why this is hard, sunglasses are for sun. For some reason people have this great desire to forgo the harsh light that can be found inside. I blame Usher. While I love his 17-pack abs and super sweet dance moves, he's the one that has given mating in da club a theme song and therefore an appropriate practice, and yet I can't remember the last time I saw his eyes. Furthermore, let's leave it at this, if you are cool and influential enough to not get arrested for full on makin' love in the club then you may wear sunglasses whenever and wherever you choose. However, that song is 4 minutes and 19 seconds, and no one except Usher, and possibly Justin Bieber has a handle on that sort of accelerated action, it's a vicious cycle.

And so I say to you, my kind and loyal viewer, follow the rules. Or else.

I Fear Waddles

Some of you may be wondering what i have been up to recently, being as the weather cannot make up its mind, and i have a plethora of important schoolwork that needs done. Well, i have been procrastinating the economical way: with angry thoughts. There is a great void in my life yes, but i find that that void can be filled with channel surfing. Case in point: bull riding - don't ask me why, mostly there was nothing on TV and i wanted to throw ESPN 28 or whatever channel broadcasts stupid sports very few people want to throw a bone, but there i was, captivated, and thankfully i learned a few things about this denim covered sport and coincidentally myself as well...

1. The bulls all have ridiculous names; Tough as Nails, Hard as Steel, if it can be a porno name it is also the name of a ten ton cow. I think that a name of these massive quadrupeds should be ironic. might i recommend Castration, No Offspring for You, or Look at Where 2 years of High School Can Get You. All these things are clever, and less about how one describes their 4 x 4 trucks and/or man stick which seems to be the current trend.

2. I have officially decided that nothing good comes from a creature with a waddle, you know extra unneeded skin under and upon the chin, neck, and upper sternum quadrant. These bulls look like they are the after story on a TLC show about extreme weight loss. Also, let us review the others who have a little too much under-chin gobble. There is an assortment of fowl, which as we all know i would like to harm. Ever met a cuddly turkey? I think not. Then of course there is select old people, again not always cuddly. It is a proven fact that extra skin is usually filled with animosity, lets just say waterbuffalos are filled with bitterness. So lets keep our necks tight for the sake of the world, oh, and avoid shar pei's they have extra skin everywhere...that has to chafe.

3. I now understand what people in the Midwest do to keep themselves from watching Wizard of Oz for the 346th time (the Midwest's only claim to fame) they grab themselves some sort of energy drink that they saw advertised on the side of a monster truck and strap themselves to a creature with less brain cells than a sponge and see what that big boy can do.

4. When you are training to be a correction officer they make you get sprayed with pepper spray so that you know what the prisoners feel, this should be the same thing for this activity. How many bull riders would there be if they had to have their balls strapped to their kidney and then have another man with some unspent sexual frustration demand that he ride you while you writhe around in pain in the dirt. Answer: not a lot, but Brokeback Mountain may have had another group of very supportive cowboys. 

Think on it.

Dear Drunken Boy Stumbling Past My Residence

Dear Drunken Boy Stumbling Past My Residence,

Yet again let us discuss the time. It is 10:37 in the PM on a MONDAY, you are doing better than your female counterpart but i still feel that you have some issues we can discuss as you weave and talk not at all discreetly.

1. I'm sure you are striking fear into the hearts of your brethren with your intoxicated bellows, but for those who are not around you it is just a sign that evolution is a cold, slow mistress.

2. I'm astounded that you have reached this epic level of douche-bagatry so early in the night, this is normally reserved for John Gosselin.

3. Unless you work in the Intimates department at Macy's lets stop over-using the term "bra". your "brothers" have abandoned you, as did any chance to actually take off a real bra tonight.

These are only a few comments i have on your early evening life choices. Also, i don't know this for a fact but i would assume that you really have a great desire in your loins to urinate somewhere "original". Please do not unless you are on a leash, i like the fire hydrants in this neighborhood.

Thanks bunches,
Sidney

Once Upon a Time in a Hot Tub

Last night i found myself in an interesting predicament. May i set the scene?

Once upon a night I was sitting in a murky hot tub with my sibling. There were also 3 other lovely gentlemen in this steaming tub. To describe them i would have to convey to you the stages of Cast Away.

1.There was one in the "cast" stage: a bit of scruff, mostly in the chin area.
2. Then we reach the "a" stage, in which there is some patchiness that no one can handle except a high school girl because no one should wear that unless they live at home with their parents.
3. Finally we reach full on "castaway"... wilson is gone, no more fed ex packages, good bye tom hanks, i'm talking hair long enough to braid. Give him a staff and he could have been wizard of the hot tub.

Anyways, seeing all these gloriously covered chins sprouting with unusual hair i was hit by a thought. Due to these men's strange fondness for scruff i knew one thing then and there. If the bubbles cleared i could be sitting in a hot tub with centaurs. Now obviously, i was not in a hot spring in Narnia, but if i was i would be up to my clavicle in bubbly-furred hindquarters. And so that is the story of a young girl and her accidental foray into a fantastical hot tub.

The End
 

Oh Moby, You Are Predicatable

Call me masochistic, but I just watched Moby Dick: 2010. My reasoning for this was twofold: first, I wanted to test my theory of monster movies, and this one seemed like a real doozy; second, I believe that in order to really have faith in one's education you have to really try your damnedest to rot out everything in your brain you have so expensively squished in there. So let us review: I know I'm right, but it's important for everyone else to trust that I always speak true.

Let's review this bad boy:

Plot: Captain Ahab is mad at a whale.

Creature: Crazy big whale from back in the day, cruises around the ocean (don't you feel safe Iowa) and eats boats and whatnot. To say he has an anger problem is an understatement.

Scientist: A lady that is a specialist in whale language, which of course is so very under-appreciated until a giant whale throws a hissy fit

Computer Animation: 500-foot-whale is inspired by what looks like a toy that has had one two many baths with little Jimmy, so in a word: perfection.

Military: The movie spends almost the whole time in a navy submarine, and we have the pleasure of watching like 20 other subs get bitten in half.

The fact that I am epically right is such a sweet victory, however, movies such as these still hold mystery, and some questions that need answers:

1. Do any of these creatures know that one can not survive off a diet of anger and construction material alone?
It appears that the issue of food is never really addressed, these animals just go around eating oil tankers, and apparently these give them plenty of their daily vitamins so that they may frolic in the deep blue sea.

2. Why no pupils?
I've said it once and I'll say it again: pupils are an indicator of good. Let's review: Luke Skywalker - pupils, Dark Vader - just a helmet, I have known about this trick ever since I was little and watched the Rats of NIMH, you know that crazy old one with all-white eyes? Scarred. Me. For. Life. But I digress, Moby - eyes black as a raven, ravens have no visible pupil, full circle. 

3. Where are you SeaWorld?
A little advice, get in on the ground floor of a mammoth orca-bear with wings, and you could be going places. By places I mean BIGGEST SPASH ZONE OF ALL TIME. No one would be safe and it would be a money maker.

So you see my ravishing reader I don't know everything, but I do know most of it, let's just hope there are still enough mysterious things in our future.