The 6 Stages of Moving

Another large life change that has happened in my life since my blogging demise: my change of residence. All in all I feel I don't move super well. I blame my parents. Damn that stable upbringing, it really didn't teach me much in the way of a mobile lifestyle. Anyways, since I have moved once a year since leaving the annoyingly steadfast nest, I have realized some trends. This should come as no surprise to you, being as I know that the 3 of you still out there turn to me for my genius observations on all things in life... but I digress. The point is, I now know that there are some things about moving that must remain the same…They always come to pass. Yes, my supper supporters, I have found the 6 stages of moving...

STAGE 1: Denial
Despite looming deadlines, subject completely rejects location change and at times takes on strange, time-consuming, and messy projects that directly counteract the act of moving.

STAGE 2: Anger
Subject grows temperamental, and suddenly the fact that current dwelling is only a few cinder blocks above a makeshift homeless shanty means nothing.... the thought of greener pastures, upon which subject could frolic in new dwelling, no longer appeals.

STAGE 3: Cursing Your Country
Instead of taking responsibility for 3 yoga mats, subject turns on country for creating a materialistic monster. Oprah reruns might be involved, as well as private screenings of Blood Diamond, all allowing subject to conclude that it is America's fault for fostering this materialism, not the fact that someone felt that every book ever written could be useful sometime in one's lifetime….

STAGE 4: Purge
Subject attempts to remove all belongings and keeps (what i have deemed) an apocalyptic kit - one outfit generally involving a scarf, a few simple tools, one electronic device of choice, one random item, and possibly a handsome black man like Will Smith to protect them.

STAGE 5: Acceptance 
Subject has come to terms with the fact that soon they will leave current dwelling and that it will happen with or without all their prized belongings. Most likely with all possessions, prized and unprized alike, because now it is too late to purge anything… Curses, too much thinking about Will Smith in Stage 4…

STAGE 6: Panic
Due to the fact that the purging stage ended quickly, possibly with tears, subject is found on a mountain of things with very many of them pokey and very few of them packed. Due to looming U-Haul appointments and lease endings, subject becomes darty-eyed and concerned about ever leaving. Subject starts to feel strange, agoraphobia starts to creep in…

Now, depending on timeline/roommate situation, Stage 2 can turn into super rage and then you really have a party. Additionally, if you are moving soon, I recommend a few episodes of Hoarders, it can really do wonders for inspiration...

I'm Back

Well, good news my faithful followers, I have not died, despite the fact that it may have appeared that way. I don't have much of an excuse, except to say that the once kind, loving embrace of higher education turned strangling.

One of the greatest developments of my slightly below-average life is that, through non-sexual means, I have figured out how to see movies for free. Now, what better way for me to come back than with my amazing sarcasm, guidance, and general life lessons and an overview of the 2 most glorious movies I have seen since I dropped off the face of the earth.

The Avengers - not to tell you how right I am, but let us review: 
     --coveted things that glow, check. This time in a convient travel-size staff, cause that's how all the cool kids accesorize. 
     --deformity. In this case it's more of a lack of hygene and ability to work shampoo into one's daily routine, but same thing.
     --cool toys. In addition to the general awesomeness that comes with his glowing walking stick, it can also sort of beam him to another planet. Nothing says great vacay from planning the oh-so-stressful Earth-taking-over like chilling off-planet. It's exhausting trying to control everyone, just ask George Bush; I bet he wishes his ranch was another planet... 
     --posse. Sometimes its a burden being so right.... let's review: Avengers, like 5 people in epic need of some trust circle exercises, vs. greasy Gandoff with a giant alien army. Some people feel that you can't be friends with those you command, but due to my desire to command a small army of my own, I'd like to think there is a chance...

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter - this is probably the greatest movie of the year. As a movie-goer, it gives you more than just simply watching a movie, it gives you so many questions that allow for self reflection.... here is what was going through my mind.
     -- Is this real life?
     -- This movie makes me a little embarrassed to be a human being... This is even worse than when I watched the Real Housewives Reunion and felt my soul die.
     -- If I wasn't a human what would I be?
     --(During horse fight over and on top stampeding horses) Suck it Mufasa, if you were a real father you could have overcome a few wildebeests... 
     -- Is this real life?
     -- What about Abraham screams vampire hunter? Must have been the top hat, that's why I never took Buffy seriously... 
     -- Turns out vampires were in charge of slavery. I wish I had that angle in my history class in college freshman year...
     -- Hitler must have been a werewolf.

Additionally, I would like to report that while there have been no confirmed sightings of the devil, it is apparent that he is alive, well, and working with Nicholas Cage's people. How else would a second Ghost Rider have been made?

There is so much more, my reliable readers, but since you have been denied my greatness for so long we have to ease back into this. Stay tuned.

Halloween Horrors

Last year at this time i was trying to deicide what my costume was to be for this Hallows Eve. I was then and now concerned with those sexy fairies i saw flitting around beer can pyramids on the handful of nights around Halloween. I am now out of alcoholic soaked years of college, and moved on to the big city, alas, it appears that even though i thought the slutty black cat had gone away, it appears that it came back the very next day, much like symptoms of common STD's. Anyway, in addition to my previous rules i have added a few more that one should take into account as they stumble about tomorrow.

1. Costume Size: there is your real age, then your Halloween age. While you may be in your early 20's, many find themselves in a costume meant for a small tike ages 3 to 5. Allow me to clarify, oh Drunken Slutmonster: 3 to 5 is the age of the toddler that should be in your "sexy" Thomas the Train outfit. That “3 to 5” on the package is an age, not how many drinks it’s guessing you had before you walked into that innocent Wallgreens and decided that it would be “supercute!”

2. Ears and Tails: despite what you think, just adding ears and a tail do not make a costume; they make a deformity. They do not justify you squeezing into a unitard and calling it a kitty. Maybe you feel that they represent evolution, but if that were true you would have been dead many moons ago.

3. Make-up: sadly, due to ‘The Jersey Shore’ and the downfall of humanity, the makeup people put on on Halloween is only allegedly different from their everyday regimen, but I'm not so sure. Anyone that has been to a party with twenty-somethings in this post-‘Hangover’ era knows that people, mostly ladies, do show up to parties wearing makeup that is very similar to that of a zombie. On the 31st, they just add a nose and some whiskers.

4. Bra: A bra does not a costume make no good idea starts with opening your dresser drawer and investigating your intimates. If you have a deep desire to go out in your bra and don't have the money to really explore that desire with a heavy dose of counseling and/or pills, i suggest 2 options. Honesty, like saying your a stripper, go go dancer, or any other occupation that would send your mother into a deep pit of despair they are never ones for a lot of clothing coverage. OR abstract, like telling people you are a reason for divorce, or just plain republican denial, people will understand and probably think you are more intelligent than you really are. 

5. Bastardization: as a general rule, one should not recycle costumes that you wore in your infant/toddler years when, I am told, you were cute. I don't care what way you slice it, pumpkin + baby = cute and a bit squishy, but pumpkin + anyone over the age of 6 = boob cover. Moral of the story: stop bastardizing your youth and move away from the newborn section at Walmart.

6. Accessorizes: throwing on a cape, or wings to ones usual outfit also does not qualify as a costume. I'm just as proud as the next person that you can still fit into jumpers from baby Gap and call it a party outfit, but you need a bit more effort. Additionally, you can't just carry anything with you as you stumble about in a garment that has been wildly accepted as a shirt despite the fact that you wear it as a dress. Once i was a girl wearing what a assume was originally a scarf and a teddybear. Confused? Cause i sure was, the only thing i could think of was that she was going as regression, reminding us all that it takes one night too hard before you are back at home asking about nap time. 

And so as you can see, my mysterious munchkins, it’s not that easy when, due to the life choices of others, Halloween becomes a whole different kind of scary when the sun goes down.

Small Man, Big Vault

Well we have survived the holidays my brave bookworms.  Now the real survival begins, trying not to succumb to the suicidal tendencies that winter brings forth. For those of you that do not have the pleasure of living somewhere down south you know that for the next few months here in the pacific northwest we have the pleasure of weather and a general environment that is akin to being stuck inside a fat old pigeon, gray and damp. I like to dull the ache that is depression by going to a darker place, so that in comparison the weather outside is cheerful, that's right i go to the movies.

Recently I went and saw Mission Impossible 3. I was drawn to this movie because of its half empty pessimistic title, and its munchkin of a leading man. You should not be surprised to know that Tom Cruise is still his same old self; strange and crazy. However, there is now a level of frustration (40% sexual 60% napoleon) that can be found under his smaller than normal couch jumping self. The upside to all of this is that I know now what's up in an action spy movie and I will share them with you.

1. Russians: Sadly they are never the good guys. If something is going down there are some Russians up in there and they tend to not be the nicest. I'm sorry that's just how it is.

2. The silver brief case: There is no way that someone can be just carrying one of those bad boys to work... then of course someone steals it and what not. This is not the stealth that is needed. Let's be real, what are they carrying in those brief cases that were used on the moon? Something small. My solution, fanny packs. Normally I don't condone their usage but in this case it is smart. No one expects a remote explosive in a fanny pack, better yet very few feel comfortable enough in their sexuality to reach for said explosive and run the risk of handling a very different projectile...

3. Small special thing big vault: Without fail as something the size of a matchbox is stored in a vault that also doubles as a racket ball court. I have decided that this is a bad guy over compensation issue, big vault, big truck, hiding small explosive....

In conclusion, unless this weather changes I will be forced to become, not a cat burglar, but a full on panther. I'm coming for you tom cruise, I lowered my line of vision.  I see you and the lolly pop guild that you command.... I'm coming.