Halloween Horrors

Last year at this time i was trying to deicide what my costume was to be for this Hallows Eve. I was then and now concerned with those sexy fairies i saw flitting around beer can pyramids on the handful of nights around Halloween. I am now out of alcoholic soaked years of college, and moved on to the big city, alas, it appears that even though i thought the slutty black cat had gone away, it appears that it came back the very next day, much like symptoms of common STD's. Anyway, in addition to my previous rules i have added a few more that one should take into account as they stumble about tomorrow.

1. Costume Size: there is your real age, then your Halloween age. While you may be in your early 20's, many find themselves in a costume meant for a small tike ages 3 to 5. Allow me to clarify, oh Drunken Slutmonster: 3 to 5 is the age of the toddler that should be in your "sexy" Thomas the Train outfit. That “3 to 5” on the package is an age, not how many drinks it’s guessing you had before you walked into that innocent Wallgreens and decided that it would be “supercute!”

2. Ears and Tails: despite what you think, just adding ears and a tail do not make a costume; they make a deformity. They do not justify you squeezing into a unitard and calling it a kitty. Maybe you feel that they represent evolution, but if that were true you would have been dead many moons ago.

3. Make-up: sadly, due to ‘The Jersey Shore’ and the downfall of humanity, the makeup people put on on Halloween is only allegedly different from their everyday regimen, but I'm not so sure. Anyone that has been to a party with twenty-somethings in this post-‘Hangover’ era knows that people, mostly ladies, do show up to parties wearing makeup that is very similar to that of a zombie. On the 31st, they just add a nose and some whiskers.

4. Bra: A bra does not a costume make no good idea starts with opening your dresser drawer and investigating your intimates. If you have a deep desire to go out in your bra and don't have the money to really explore that desire with a heavy dose of counseling and/or pills, i suggest 2 options. Honesty, like saying your a stripper, go go dancer, or any other occupation that would send your mother into a deep pit of despair they are never ones for a lot of clothing coverage. OR abstract, like telling people you are a reason for divorce, or just plain republican denial, people will understand and probably think you are more intelligent than you really are. 

5. Bastardization: as a general rule, one should not recycle costumes that you wore in your infant/toddler years when, I am told, you were cute. I don't care what way you slice it, pumpkin + baby = cute and a bit squishy, but pumpkin + anyone over the age of 6 = boob cover. Moral of the story: stop bastardizing your youth and move away from the newborn section at Walmart.

6. Accessorizes: throwing on a cape, or wings to ones usual outfit also does not qualify as a costume. I'm just as proud as the next person that you can still fit into jumpers from baby Gap and call it a party outfit, but you need a bit more effort. Additionally, you can't just carry anything with you as you stumble about in a garment that has been wildly accepted as a shirt despite the fact that you wear it as a dress. Once i was a girl wearing what a assume was originally a scarf and a teddybear. Confused? Cause i sure was, the only thing i could think of was that she was going as regression, reminding us all that it takes one night too hard before you are back at home asking about nap time. 

And so as you can see, my mysterious munchkins, it’s not that easy when, due to the life choices of others, Halloween becomes a whole different kind of scary when the sun goes down.

Small Man, Big Vault

Well we have survived the holidays my brave bookworms.  Now the real survival begins, trying not to succumb to the suicidal tendencies that winter brings forth. For those of you that do not have the pleasure of living somewhere down south you know that for the next few months here in the pacific northwest we have the pleasure of weather and a general environment that is akin to being stuck inside a fat old pigeon, gray and damp. I like to dull the ache that is depression by going to a darker place, so that in comparison the weather outside is cheerful, that's right i go to the movies.

Recently I went and saw Mission Impossible 3. I was drawn to this movie because of its half empty pessimistic title, and its munchkin of a leading man. You should not be surprised to know that Tom Cruise is still his same old self; strange and crazy. However, there is now a level of frustration (40% sexual 60% napoleon) that can be found under his smaller than normal couch jumping self. The upside to all of this is that I know now what's up in an action spy movie and I will share them with you.

1. Russians: Sadly they are never the good guys. If something is going down there are some Russians up in there and they tend to not be the nicest. I'm sorry that's just how it is.

2. The silver brief case: There is no way that someone can be just carrying one of those bad boys to work... then of course someone steals it and what not. This is not the stealth that is needed. Let's be real, what are they carrying in those brief cases that were used on the moon? Something small. My solution, fanny packs. Normally I don't condone their usage but in this case it is smart. No one expects a remote explosive in a fanny pack, better yet very few feel comfortable enough in their sexuality to reach for said explosive and run the risk of handling a very different projectile...

3. Small special thing big vault: Without fail as something the size of a matchbox is stored in a vault that also doubles as a racket ball court. I have decided that this is a bad guy over compensation issue, big vault, big truck, hiding small explosive....

In conclusion, unless this weather changes I will be forced to become, not a cat burglar, but a full on panther. I'm coming for you tom cruise, I lowered my line of vision.  I see you and the lolly pop guild that you command.... I'm coming.

Holiday Survival Part 2

Well, for some of you school is a thing of the past, gone are the days of writing papers about the usage of slug slime and its effect on the environments near and around retirement communities. You can frolic about and not have to deal with the blinding panic that comes with exams that judge your very being in 90 minutes or less... i'm not bitter... But its always comforting to know that family is always there to judge you. They seem to plan and condition themselves with intensity that could only be akin to what an olympic athlete goes through... but i digress, moving on. For those who are trapped at home with prying questions, i have come up with some evasive maneuvers as we work our way through the holidays...

1. Working hard or hardly working?
-- Just because you have joined the workforce, does not mean you have also aged 70 years and suddenly wear suspenders and sit around the water cooler talking about your new mini van. Life is not over, to avoid the "my first real job stories" its best to do imply that you aren't doing anything that someone can relate to.

EX: "If i were to choose i would say hardly working, that's the best part about being a call girl, i can make my own hours..."

2. I can't believe you're so old!
--It seems no matter when people saw you last you are getting older, imagine that. The bright side is that at least in a few years they won't be able to ask that anymore, but the key to evasion is just the right amount of snarkiness so that there will be no rebuttal.

EX: "I am getting older, but the Grim Reaper hasn't asked to be my facebook friend yet so i think i still have a few good years left."

3. How's life in the real world?
--Look just because our lives my have been built on a foundation of red plastic cups, running on a mixture of redbull and some sort of drink that would even make Kanye envious, and we functioned on a sleeping schedule that raccoons revered does not mean that we were not in the real world. We were in the real-ish world, very close to the real thing.

EX: To be honest there is no come back from this, partly because its hard not to be a total beezy and also because after the afore-mentioned words were uttered i was then standing over the unconscious body of a senior.

And so my frolicking followers, i hope that you survived everything and had a happy holidays.

Holiday Survival Part 1

Last Christmas i spent some time south of the border pondering a career change and i gave you, my benevolent bookworms, some advice in ways to survive these coming days as we move out of Sharing Season and into the Season of giving. These tips are mostly for those who still find themselves deep within the strangling clutches of academia. At the time i figured that i would have left  the hallowed ivy cover womb that is college and be out in the world. This, is not the case, and so i have a need for this once again, i hope it will help you, seeing as it is of little comfort to me as i softly weep over my degree every morning before class.

These answers are to avoid any of the when i was your age talk, as well as mildly disturb the person who has made it their mission to interview you...

1. The sexual update/mate selection question

-- i find that this works best by going the complete other direction, and don’t be afraid to be specific

EX: “You know i’m not so much into boys anymore, i’m really attracted to aliens, but not just any, only the ones from 2 galaxies down, and 1 over”

2. What’s your major/life study?

--this is a formula start with The History of - followed by a word that means hard to find (rare, unique, obscure) - then a random country - and last anything you could find in a library or museum 

EX: “I’m studying The History of Obscure Madagascar Statues”

3.What is the best/most important thing you have learned in college/your life?

--this is where one really must avoid the stories of the olden days of 1920. Now you can go two routes the honest

EX: “i’ve really learned the effects of large amounts of alcohol on the body and property that’s not mine”

or the other option of a class that you really learned a lot in, again a formula, Dr. - followed by the 2 names of tool bags that you can think of - “and his class on the” - an SAT word (juxtaposition, globalization, opposition...) - of - a food of any kind 

EX: “The class i learned the most in was definitely Dr. Phil Trump’s and his class on the Juxtaposition of Mashed Potatoes"

4. And then of course the future plans talk

--Tell them you are planning to join and organization/group, but everyone knows someone who was in the peace corps, or red cross and no one wants to sit through that boredom... so simply choose a emotion - and follow it by something you would find in a city

EX: “I think i’m going to join the group Happy School Busses/Angry Sidewalks its all about getting kinds to school, and repairing the cracks in their own emotional sidewalks.” 


Stay tuned for part 2 for those who are in the real world, because as we know, nothing saves you from prying questions from your family. 

Dear Screaming Dysfunctional Couple that Lives Above me

Dear Screaming Dysfunctional Couple that Lives Above me,

To say that it is late would be an understatement. The entire cast of Jersey Shore went to sleep almost an hour ago. I also have to say that I both commend and am appalled by the fact that you can scream for hours while doing what I can only assume to be a square dance. makes me think of home. I personally never really considered that my yelling points would really be driven home had I added a do-si-do at the end. 

At first I wasn't sure that there was a man involved in this dysfunction at all, since all I could hear were the rambling cries of a cat-lady in the making. However, as I lay awake imagining what type of instrument could go through a ceiling yet is easy to camouflage upon moving out, I hear the distinct murmur of a man who knows he is fighting a losing battle. This is further verified as this gentleman tries to work his way out of the dog mansion he finds himself in with what seems to be a bad two-step. And to the woman with the voice range Mariah Carrey would envy: we get it. he doesn't appreciate you. The first 12 times you screeched it I was unclear, but now I understand. He is ungrateful. Blah-blah-blah. Go get a kitten that will be the start of what I'm sure will be a loving pack for your later years, and drown your sorrows in ice cream. I think Ben and Jerry's actually makes a flavor called Bitterness. You might gain 800 pounds and fall through my ceiling, but at least it will keep your mouth busy.

Wishing you strep throat resulting in voice loss,

Sidney

Season of Sharing

Congratulations to all of you, my fantastical followers! We have survived the Thanksgiving coma and are now on to that awkward time in between Thanksgiving and Christmas. As we all know, the second you stand up from the table after eating, we are assaulted with dancing snowmen, creepy nutcrackers, and Santa hats on everything. Let’s just call these few weeks the Season of Sharing: we’re not quite ready to give, but have a small bit of kindness that allows for some joint usage of personal items. Here are some other things that make this time unique.

1. No longer are there the leaves of fall surrounding you in a blanket of bright, lovely colors. They have now all fallen on the ground and created this awesome brownish-yellow mush on the sidewalk which makes a delightful Sharing Season slip-n-slide for all those attempting to live their life.

2. Bad holiday movies are everywhere. Lifetime (the channel of reverie and fear, as you may have noticed) and other, lesser channels have an amazing ability to find things that could not be removed from Christmas, and make many movies about them. In the last few years, the trend has been golden retrievers. I have seen more than a few commercials for holiday movies involving one of Air Bud’s many progeny on multiple channels as I flip quickly away from my holiday nemesis Kay Jewelers. They’re cute, but let’s be real—they really only bring to mind toilet paper.

3. Decorations. Now, I think it is safe to say that Christmas lights really do make everything better. Where I take issue is when we go completely off the map with random creatures. Let us think this system through: random animal (armadillo) + accessories (Santa hat and scarf) x Christmas-like setting (giant, inflatable snow globe) DOES NOT EQUAL PROPER HOLIDAY DECORATIONS. Honestly. They will stick anything into a 6ft inflatable snow globe.

And so, my revered readers, we will suffer through these few weeks of this strange Season of Sharing together. Have no fear.

Every Kill Begins with Kay

Attention to all who come here: someone answered my plea and/or appreciated my well-placed mass suicide joke enough to become a follower. This is a big day for me, partly because I was proposed to in a coffee shop this morning at 6:30 a.m. by a person I believe to be crazy. I think this is because he was more concerned with my soft pants (the champions of clothing that they are for all who dare to have an educational experience before 10 a.m.), than he was with our future. But more importantly, I have another follower. You might think to yourself, “Hey, this lovely and caring person decided to follow you many moons ago. Why so late?” Well, that brings me to my amazing update as to what I have been doing of late.

Fearing the TV: To all who know me, these are some strong words. Let’s be real—there is almost nothing that can part me from that box of awesome, but for now I watch with caution. Why, you may ask, my elegant eleven? It is that time of year where not a channel is safe from “Every Kiss Begins with K.” Time for some sub-points up in here. . .

a. You, Kay Jewelers, are forcing me to creep all up in some romantic moment between some moderately good-looking couple in their pajamas. What do they want from me? I would just like to point out that if not for the jingle, this could easily be a herpes commercial (“I have herpes. . .” “And I have no desire to get them in the future.” “To apologize for cheating, I got her this stupid diamond necklace to show her that just because we can’t have sex anymore, I do not resent buying her things and having a good snuggle. . .”).
b. Any child who has ever had the misfortune of seeing their parents make out isn’t plotting ways to see it again, let along hiding behind a corner watching.
c. There is a time and a place for the great gift of jewelry, but any sort of mild disaster isn’t one of them. A cozy cabin lightning storm? Might as well be the crazy All State guy.

If you haven’t seen any of these commercials, I’m sorry to sound like a loon. And I totally get it—cable reception must suck under your rock.