Where did they go?

Since this is the season of multiples i have been thinking about things that come in multiples and this has brought up some epic questions in my world.

1.  Animorphs - (This was brought on by someone that i encountered that made the mistake of naming their offspring Tobias. Poor kid, better there isn't more than one). Anyways, Animorphs, there had to be about 56 books at least. Stores dedicated whole shelves, no, sections, genres even to Animorph books. So here is the question: Where did they all go? All 86 books, teenagers turning into sloths and wombats, and ostriches and fighting the blob or something i can't really remember, yet now you see them no more.


2. Land Before Time - They are now on their 118th movie. Little Foot, who, you would think, would have grown to at least Adolescent Foot, is still having so many awesome adventures with all his/her friends, that are also, sadly without gender. Here is the thing: the whole dinosaur phase, it ended, and so one would think that we would see a moderately horrific end to the characters and this amazing franchise in general. When will they end?


3. Babysitters Club/Box Car Kids/Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew - Again, we all know that collectively there were close to 689 books written. This isn't Russia, no one was kind enough to put this country out of its misery and ban these books, so where are they now? If fate is just, i predict the bottom of a birdcage, but i doubt that this is the case. It's a little scary that there are so many books with the exact plot out there and yet we cannot locate them. This would make one assume that we find one and we mostly find them all, but they are still nowhere to be seen.


4. Wishbone - We can still find it in the turkey, but when it comes to taking a literature class this show is no longer there for you like you need it to be. If that small Jack Russell terrier wasn't there for you in high school then that educational experience was a lot harder than it had to be and i feel bad for you. Wishbone managed to give you a run-through of all the classics, but now where have you gone?

So there you have it, the mystery of life.

Spring Stupidity

Spring is in the air, sadly this means that people are relatively stupid and have been participating in strange events every day. Now I am trying to turn over a new leaf so to speak, so I am going to give you some thoughts on things we see every day, in one sentence, with veiled Disney references ... surprising, but it is happening.


1. Big person walking small dog: This dog is going to suffer the same fate as Mufasa, trampled.

2. Everything coupling: Until later someone dies leaving the offspring to go on an adventure of revenge and wonderful songs.


3. Spring cleaning: Conveniently with a mess comes mice, and as we all know mice are the greatest maids of the vermin world, problem solved.

4. Birds chirping in the air: And if you're lucky the real pervy ones will help you get dressed.


5. Easter: I'ts all awesome eating chocolate, trying to draw parallels between chicks and Jesus, then before you know it you're having tea with a tweaked Johnny Depp. There had to have been a wrong turn.

So be aware of hopping down the wrong bunny trail this time of year, and appreciate that I can indeed be witty in fewer words.

Ridiculing Red Riding Hood

This weekend I went and saw Red Riding Hood. Now I know this comes as no surprise that this movie was not a masterpiece... however, it did allow me to learn some things about the woods, hair gel, and Bambi's extended family.

1. Hair care - I've learned something that I think will help me a great deal in life all thanks to this cinematic wonder: that is that the more evil someone is, the more time they spend on their hair. Allow for a demo; in this movie (without giving too much away) the bad boy lover has a perfectly gelled duck butt hair do, while the sensitive much better looking lover number two had little to no hair product in and around his hair. Not convinced? Draco Malfoy has so much oil in his hair it would make a pelican uneasy...  Saruman looked like he got a magical blow out before hanging with the creepers of Mordor, I'm just sayin'

2. Timing - If you feel that the best time to do things is in a blizzard than maybe you should get eaten. There are very few things that are better in a blizzard, maybe a snow cone. I can't be the only one who thought that flinging on your one shoulder cloak and going on a hunt wasn't the best thing for you to do. If all man hunters were like this than Bambi would still have a family, think on that. 

3. Cloak/Riding Hood - Now sometimes I do find myself in a position in which I am cold, but neither my arms, legs, or front, are cold. This means that I have an issue with my back. Thank god I have such handy outerwear that I can have something that does a great job of keeping my shoulders and back warm...  It's like a vest, what's up?

So in order to watch this movie without inflicting self-harm I would recommend: an IQ below 12, and a strong belief that the Twilight movies are the best movies ever made. It's all about keeping expectations low.

CSI: Criminal Stupidity Investigation

Since it is now spring break, I have been spending time doing as many things as i can to rot my brain. This means a lot of television. So, after i have seen Kim Kardashian 37 times and played the how-many-Baldwins-are-on-TV-home game, i settled for an age-old standby: crime shows. The only one i can't watch is CSI Miami; this is because David Coruso is a strawberry-haired creeper... So with all the others, i have managed to notice a few themes that one can find with all of them that just keeps us glued to the tube. 

1. They all have stupid ring tones - for once i would like to watch someone answer their phone to a "Drop It Like It's Hot" ring tone while investigating a body that has somehow died from a tragic castration machine.

2. The puns never stop coming - there is nothing that will bring someone back from the dead like standing over them, taking your sunglasses off, and saying it looks like this guy didn't have fun at the barbecue.

3. Seeing all the people that have not managed to create a career - nothing better than seeing a dude from 90210 gain 48 pounds and develop a fictional fetish for trash cans that he plays a little too well....

So stay away from cabins in the woods and people with issues from their mother/father/nanny/childhood pet, but if you find yourself in this situation, rest assured that all three of these things will happen. The only question is, will you be dead or alive to see them come to fruition?

The End is Near

I don't know about you, but i tend to take issue with the many signs that the universe has been sending me about the pleasantries of this week. The largest of these not so subtle hints was when i was walking past a lawn on my way home. On one small piece of grass i saw the Obese Seagull Coalition, the Loud Over Fed Crow Association, and the Pathetic Pigeon Group. ALL MEETING ON THE SAME LAWN. The end is near my friends. Kiss your loved ones, leave a cryptic status update, don't bother with your TiVo, this is it. This dead week, my 11th, will possibly be my last.

And so to show you that i am, in fact, thinking clear after this bird black spot of death i will make a list, the true indicator of my sanity, of things that i need to figure out in the near future...

1. A way to kill all the seagulls in Eugene. I have accepted that they will be on the beach being bothersome, but here? I mean come on. They seem to be thriving too, they're like half cousins to the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.

2. What is the Bad Girls Club? Part of me wants to figure out this epic mystery, but then again it is nice to have some sort of mystery in this world, and by extension some faith in the intelligence of humanity.

3. Will i ever meet someone that watches One Tree Hill? And after meeting them will they be able to answer the age old question: where are all the trees in said show?

4. Is there a chance Sarah Palin will achieve world domination? This is a real fear, she already thinks she owns Alaska....

5. Who domesticated guinea pigs? They have no desire to be near people, much less be a pet. They would rather run headlong into a wood chipper than be touched by the human hand. What about this says awesome, loving, and relevant pet? They were bred for meat for a reason...

6. Finding 3 redeeming qualities for the movie Bambi.  

Bring it on dead week.

Harrassing Harry Potter

This last weekend I finally went to go see Harry Potter. I know, I know, you're thinking it may be a little late on my end to see a movie that so many prepubescents have been juicing themselves about for months, but I have a reason. As a general rule of survival in the Sidney's Guide to Living Among Idiots I have a policy on never going to see a movie that has cloaks prominently featured in it on the opening weekend. This is for a multitude of reasons as you might imagine kids that wear cloaks as a main form of outer wear also have a direct correlation with less shower time, and as a result are of great annoyance to me. Nonetheless I went to see the worlds first small statured boy that captured the hearts of millions long before Justin Bieber, and as you might have guessed I have some questions;

1. What's with all the sweaters? I think that in Harry Potter land one's sweat has mystical powers that make it all-weather wear. This is not true. Until I see a sheep/llama/fluffy pack animal repelling water I'm going to consider sweaters to be an addition to a coat.

2. I wonder if there is a great epidemic of obese wizards? Think about it, all you need is a stick and you could make everything come to you. No need to walk, move, or even get off the couch at all.

3. Is Voldemort a commentary on Michael Jackson? The way I see it MJ was one nose job away from have slits in his nose anyway. He also showed small boys his magic stick, Big Daddy V showed Harry the same thing when he was little. I'm just saying.

4. Why are you crying? This is another reason I had to wait for the crowds to die down, I had to find my perfect emotionally cold cinematic partners. The way I see it there is no reason to cry in this movie except for the following reason: you are in great distress that you will not die with sad epic music in the background in Harry Potters arms unless you plan some stuff out really well. By all means cry that your death will probably be greatly anti-climactic. YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. I can't expect everyone I know to be like me (evolved past emotions) but you knew this was happening. It's like the Titanic, we all knew the ship was going down. Chill, your sobbing is ruining this moment for me.