CSI: Criminal Stupidity Investigation

Since it is now spring break, I have been spending time doing as many things as i can to rot my brain. This means a lot of television. So, after i have seen Kim Kardashian 37 times and played the how-many-Baldwins-are-on-TV-home game, i settled for an age-old standby: crime shows. The only one i can't watch is CSI Miami; this is because David Coruso is a strawberry-haired creeper... So with all the others, i have managed to notice a few themes that one can find with all of them that just keeps us glued to the tube. 

1. They all have stupid ring tones - for once i would like to watch someone answer their phone to a "Drop It Like It's Hot" ring tone while investigating a body that has somehow died from a tragic castration machine.

2. The puns never stop coming - there is nothing that will bring someone back from the dead like standing over them, taking your sunglasses off, and saying it looks like this guy didn't have fun at the barbecue.

3. Seeing all the people that have not managed to create a career - nothing better than seeing a dude from 90210 gain 48 pounds and develop a fictional fetish for trash cans that he plays a little too well....

So stay away from cabins in the woods and people with issues from their mother/father/nanny/childhood pet, but if you find yourself in this situation, rest assured that all three of these things will happen. The only question is, will you be dead or alive to see them come to fruition?