Are You a Redneck?

Recently i have been clocking in some major air time, traveling here and there and have realized that there is something that only we, in this great country can lay claim to... rednecks. Now, my beneficent bookworm, you may wonder what constitues this rare breed found in the back woods of this, our US of A... Well i, the all-knowing, will give you a good idea of some indicators that you may in fact have some redneckish tendencies...

1) Misspelled tattoos. You thought America had an "h", the tattoo guy swore it had a "q", he was convincing, and here we are in good old Amerqa.

2) Look up...there should be no dead eyes staring back at you. If there are eyes staring at you from the heads of creatures that once taught you a valuable childhood lesson in a Disney film, you might be a bit hillbilly

3) If you haven't met a creature you wouldn't eat, we may have a problem. A sentence should never start, "the other day when i was eating a possum steak... "

4) Subtitles. "Swamp people" is impossible to understand. They appear to be speaking English, but no one can tell. i would call them country bumpkins for sure. ironically they kind of make me miss home...

So to all those who apply to the above, i apologize, both to you and to your cousin/spouse...

Graduation!

By now all that were suppose to graduate have, and I am proud to say that somehow i have made through a few to 4 years of college. In my mind i always wanted my educational career to take a Rip Van Winkle/coma approach (get in, take a nap then be done...). i'm happy to report that, thanks to libation, some of that did become a happy reality. However, college did manage to stuff some life skills and educational tidbits into my seemingly perfectly intelligent brain.

There are the everyday techniques that only come with living with people under the age of 25 with a lot of free time:

The Twilight Bark - yes this is from 101 Dalamataions, but it is also from all those nights when you were separated from your possy and happen to be mildly to heavily inebriated. As you wander looking for your herd, you let out a drunken wail of distress. This sets off the twilight bark in which others yell, call, and yes, sometimes even bark in response, thus enabling you to stumble your way back to your pack... it's survival.

The traits of a homeless person - after some time away at college you come home and act like what can only be described as a hobo. its not your fault: you ran out of soap, clean clothes, and food all within about 3 days. this means that you tend to have developed a smell by the time you come home. Your parents, horrified, try to make you some sort of dinner, but you can't remember the last time you ate off of a real plate. It's a sad byproduct of education.

Standards go waaaay down - after a while everything is seen through an -ish way. That plate is clean-ish, you're drunk-ish, the meat sitting on the counter is fresh-ish, after a few drinks the kid with the unibrow is cute-ish, that person in the corner is dead -ish... whatever.

Then, of course, there is the knowledge that the lovely educators tried to force into our lives and that, i suppose was the purpose of me being here...

The world is going to hell, not much you can do. Blame your parents. i would start drinking now, your life is only going downhill...

Go forth and prosper, although i doubt you will.

So thank you college, i now have less money and feel like i'm not even a little ready to take on the real world, unless it's on MTV...

What's Up Arizona

For those of you who have not been informed i am in the great state of Arizona celebrating my roots... Being as i have been in this dusty paradise and have played a great game of Sneak N' Fence with the neighborhood kids, in which one has to sneak through increasingly smaller holes in a fence. if you get caught you go to jail. Anyways i have been in this sun-soaked area for about 9 hours and feel that i can now make some huge generalizations about what goes on here:

a) Wow, it is hot.

That seems to be all there is in this fine state. Now i'm off to go play the game Fast Papers. the object is to retrieve papers showing you are a citizen, the slowest person goes to jail. Where do these crazy Arizonian kids come up with this?

Scholastic Achievement

The theme of this month is scholastic achievement. However, just because we have all been able to drag our hungover selves to a class everyday DOES NOT mean we are, in any way, ready or capable of true adulthood. Sadly, with these feats of accomplishment our sires feel the need to celebrate these milestones in a way that makes you wonder if they ever thought you would actually amount to anything. And of course chicken, because what is a celebration in this country without it?

And so i give you another commentary for the ceremonies that signal your greatness and a host of weird questions and what we are always thinking when we are asked them over and over again:

1. How did you get so old?
-- I built a time machine in my dorm, i really just went to college three days ago. i wish i had let you in on it, these 4 years have not been kind...

2. What's next?
-- For me, i think that i am going to do some heavy drinking and perfect my free-loading skills. i regret that i didn't have enough time to really dedicate to myself...

3. What was the most important thing you learned?
-- It's important to meet a lot of new friends, and get to know them... vaginally...
So congratulations, i hope someone asks you a creative question or two

Facing Fears

Being as I am about to be done with a large scholastically-shaped hurdle, I have been pondering my life. I don't know about you, but when I ponder I seem to be a hop skip and a jump away from thinking about things I fear, and therefore wish not to happen... my number one would be the jungle that is really life. Seeing as I have not been able to piece together that Scooby-Doo mystery or find my testicular fortitude to handle anything adult, I have chosen the more learning, which we all know I love and am so very good at. Anyways, back to my pondering. Seeing as I knocked out my number one fear I was left with the lesser runners-up, which are equally scary but I am less likely to happen upon them in the immediate future. In an attempt to be a better person and face these apprehensions, I will share them with you, my courteous correspondent...

1. Bugaboo - I looked up fears, and that was something people are apparently afraid of, it sounds like what you would call a baby, so I do fear it, on principal.

2. Citrus Pulp - wow you have personal problems... au contrare... imagine drowning in that soupy mess... it would sting like nobody's business, if you're laughing just know I'm not.

3. Naked Mole Rats - something is very wrong with them, plus I would like to choose if I want to see something naked, and in this case it is just WA-BAM here I am in a small dirt tunnel, not my idea of a good time

4. Stuffed Animals - always gave me nightmares, no matter what it was, I had a dark childhood.

5. Anything with Googly Eyes - despite what people have said, they are not comforting or cute

6. People with Abnormally long Fingernails - that's just not right, yeah I'm talking to you stereotypical hooker, crazy witch, dangerous monk, and gross pirate, lock that up

So I guess what you should take away from this is own your fears, and figure out what a bugaboo is...

You Know When...

Being as i am about a quarter the way through life, I think that I have learned a few things. One of these life lessons is that despite what people tell you about the roller coaster that is life, there are some things that precede others. Forgone conclusions if you will, it is these tried and true standbys that allow you to say no to the medication, and truly believe that not everything in this world is left to chance. That being said I would like to show you a few of these so that you can feel secure in knowing that they will always be things that you can rely on...

1. YOU KNOW WHEN you had a wild night IF the next morning you wake up as Lady Gaga - this could be the indicator of an awesome night, or you could wake up incubating in a giant egg. Take comfort knowing that all your body hair will grow back, and not everyone has a chance to wear a solar system. Either way something went down, and it was epic.

2.  YOU KNOW WHEN its time to graduate college IF you joined the committee to make beer pong an Olympic sport - when you spend too much time in ivy-covered hallowed halls, sometimes you forget what constitutes a normal activity. I know I know they let curling in why not beer pong, but you just have to trust me that eventually you will be in a place not sticky with vomit and beer, without red cups spilling out of every opening. It's called the real world. Come back to us. 

3. YOU KNOW WHEN someone is evil IF they don't have pupils - i've said it once I'll say it again, tried and true standby

4. YOU KNOW WHEN it's time to reevaluate your life IF you seriously relate to anyone that has a show on TLC - Do you have 35 kids? Too fat to function? Collecting every newspaper since 1964 in your one-bedroom apartment? These are things that do not spell success despite what Kate Gosselin says. Time to shower and find a hobby.

5. YOU KNOW WHEN people will be mean IF you're in Kinko's  - I don't know what it is but they are always mean! News flash, knowing how to photocopy does not make you better than me, and to all small token 60 year old people that are working at every Kinko's across America:  I will physically fight you so that you may kindly show me how to print my pictures on a machine that looks like it could transform and kill Shia LeBouf. If it could kill you also, that would also be nice.

And so as you can see life my be uncertain at times, but there are some things that will never fail to come to fruition. Take comfort that life isn't always that oh-so-confusing box of chocolates, some times with a higher IQ, one can read the map on the top of the box and avoid the cheery congeals that taste like death...