Lessons From Embezzlement to Stewed Turtle

My time in this sticky paradise is coming to a close, and in light of learning something from this experience I shall reflect on my time here in the land of riches and embezzlement...

A) From rich people: the key to really reveling in one's richness is multidimensional. First, living in a place with no taxes allows you to blow your cash on things that really matter and therefore help you look and truly seem Trump-like. For starters gates; every rich person needs them. It allows one to pretend like you are entering your own country and thus makes you feel every important. Fountains are next. It doesn't matter what the fountain is, they scream "money" even if they also subtly yell "pornographic". Lastly, location. You can't be rich unless you live in a place that has a name that can be mistaken for some sort of a landmark. Vistas, hills, and lakes allow a community to feel that they have some sort of claim to geographical fame. When I'm older I will own and live in a gated community called Vista Hills Lake. Cha ching.

B) My humor is not international: this was a sad revelation due in part to the fact that I wanted to purchase my Vista Hills Lake property from my comical practices. No, my valuable viewer, sarcasm is not universal. They say that smiling is, but I don't believe it. Propaganda from Botox companies.

C) I am morally opposed to eating sea turtle: You never know how you will react to something until it is put in front of you with a stewed fin protruding from the bowl.

D) I have morals: who knew?

So I suppose you could say that in this soul-searching mission I have learned something about myself. Sadly, I also lost part of my soul by trying to be chipper 9 hours a day with children. I am happy to be coming back stateside, but part of me fears that I have lost my comical touch...

International Stupidity

My schedule on this overgrown rock is a strenuous one. Between avoiding chickens, harassing iguanas, and beating creepy Jamaicans off with sticks, I barely have a moment to myself. However, there are a few precious minutes to look around. My view of white sand beaches and palm trees is generally obstructed by one thing: stupid people. So recently I said to myself (because I'm always alone): people are not the brightest of creatures. As soon as this earth-shaking morsel of knowledge took root in my brain, I started noticing the epic dumb dumb-ities that seem to be international. So what did I do? Why, I accumulated my research to share with you, my literary lovebugs. This is groundbreaking, so pay attention.

Things that make people look dumb no matter what nationality:

1) Doors-despite the fact that "push" and "pull", in both action and the written word, were taught to all in the "see-spot-run" first grade sector of our education, it still seems to stump people over and over again. Some people, upon bring truly stumped by this brain-hand coordination, even give up all together. Sadly, with automatic doors these people can still get sustenance instead of starving and thus finishing the last link in the evolutionary chain.

2) Straws-this is another coordination issue. See straw, conquer straw. When people get too cocky and attempt to master the straw without proper eye contact, one then looks like a fish dying out of water. Sad sight.

3) Stupid Checks-I'm not sure anyone thinks that their money will be taken seriously when someone writes a check with kittens in a basket or Beanie Babies. You might as well pay with monopoly money. Although checks that look like monopoly money would be clever and ironic. I'm marketing that.

4) Taking pictures of your food-I have yet to understand this. We're all glad you aren't a Olsen twin, but eating is nothing new. Unless your server has sculpted a replica of the Statue of Liberty out of your calamari, I don't care.

And so since I have no one here to warn in my solitude, I warn you, my blushing bookworm.

Storybook Upgrade

I am happy to report that children in this day and age still read books. This means that on any given day me and my perfect moral compass are accosted by stories teaching every type of moral and values of this-and-that. You know, listen to your parents, be nice, blah blah blah... Who uses these lessons? Anyway, since i am fully grown and have no need for these lessons any longer, and in an effort to read between the very few lines in these books, I thought that maybe i could dig deeper and still learn something from these tales. Because i have a lot of time on my hands and because i read the same books over and over, i have come up with some more PG-13/R advice from some of our favorites.

1. Cinderella: all-weather footwear is important - We've all been there, you're at a gathering, there are libations, and some dude dances with you all night. More often then not, my friends, this fella is not a looker and feels that the unabomber was misunderstood. If you gotta get away, you cannot risk having a shoe fall off. There is some nasty stuff on the ground.

-- Side note; does it bother anyone else that one wardrobe change makes her unrecognizable to Cindy's family? No mention of plastic surgery, braces, botox etc but maybe this is where we must read between the lines… or this further shows that mead is more potent than first believed, dress accordingly.

2. Little Red Riding Hood: visit your family often - i don't mean to harp on this, but again there should be no confusion between one's grandmother and a canine, even if you have been on a 12-day Twilight bender, and your grandmother, who has been sprouting some bad-ass hairs on her chinny-chin-chin (oops a mixed fairy tale metaphor…), is your one and only best friend...That conversation should never happen, awkward.

3. Goldilocks and the Three Bears: observe your surroundings - if you want to crash on your friends couch cool, but look around, make sure you recognize the beer bottles on the floor, the skanky couch...something. If the walls seem a bit rockier and there is a wolverine carcass in the corner, maybe you should look closer and think harder about losing consciousness. Furthermore, if your only/best quality and thus your nickname comes from your hair, you need a personality transplant stat. I wonder if this was the first draft of one of those not-so-funny blond jokes.

4. Humpty Dumpty: stay away from walls when under the influence - i refuse to believe that Humpty just wanted to look at the grass on the other side. Something made him get up on the wall and fall of and i think it was something we call Guiness and a dare; such a fragile being would NOT on his own just jump up and teeter on a wall with the possibility of falling to his infinite fragmentation... I do give him props for being important enough that a monarchy would send all of the known horses and men, he obviously has friends in high places. I don't want to get political, but they never asked a well trained lady... Humpty could be in every middle school across the country preaching "hugs not drugs". Stay grounded.

So take heart, we are always learning.

Bob, Not Now.

Now that i have been on this magnificent island for over a month i have seen the dark side to this Caribbean that so many washed-up celebrities are in love with...

1. Chickens - you know how i feel about fowl... everywhere one turns there is some sort of rooster frolicking about in a bush, looking mildly picturesque, provoking me. they walk around like they own the place giving you that creepy sideways glance from their beady black eyes, making you think they could turn on you at any moment. One minute acting like some urban folks sweet backyard farm fantasy, the next minute they are running at ya, squawking for blood!

2. Reggae - let me put it this way, Jamaica is to the Caymans as Russia is to Sarah Palin's house... quite close but despite rumors, one cannot see it. Anyway, this means that everywhere one goes there is Bob Marley blaring at me in his happy Caribbean sing-song way. Here is my beef: Bob, i don't have a joint, this means that at times i am a bit bitter, and I am pretty sure your music would sound more inspired if indeed I had a bit of reefer to call my own… at times I feel your jovial attitude is NOT helping...

3. Trees - generally speaking there is just more stuff here that can be found in trees: lizards, geckos, iguanas, birds of all sorts... I am not used to things dripping, falling, or slithering from trees (unless you count acorns and then I guess I am used to them plopping down onto the soggy wet Oregon earth), and this can startle and disorient you... did I somehow end up on Pandora? Why is this bird electric blue and red? The lizard bright green? Where am I? This would be more of a problem if I was in anyway altered in my reality and sadly I am not (see point #2)… this means that there are more things that can give you more than one surprise and this freaks me out...

4. Roadkill - I've learned that one can tell a lot about a region/country’s priorities when one walks a bit down a road... Now part of the time i am trying to avoid being roadkill myself -other side of the road driving and all, go British colony- but the other flattened and deceased things that can be found there are biologically interesting (there must be a scientific study where one does nothing but try and understand a clutter by the road, what they choose to scoop up and eat, and what they choose to leave ect.., too bad my career choices have been decided or else I would ponder traipsing about the world looking down…). The top few; crabs (always freaked me out), green iguanas (they aren't native and quite a bother, so everyone guns the engines, swerves, and endangers their children, all just to squash a despised green iguana), and chickens (don't need to tell you that one again). Anyway, all i'm saying is wise up, except the crabs... i don't even know why they are around the roads...

Childish Contradictions

This summer i am participating in the rearing of children. Through this i have learned that many things have changed since my youth (I haven’t yet got to the point where I have uttered  the dreaded, “when I was your age…”  but OH so close) and that children are walking contradictions. I have compiled some of these confusing qualities and i would like to share them with you;

A) Past and present - on one hand they are listening to NSYNC a band who's name has not been uttered in about a decade, however as they are listening to said boy band they can also practically make an unmanned drone out of their wii.

B) Memory – VERY selective, they can love one thing, say Star Wars, then the next day they don't even know where stars are located. Don't bother trying to remind them of their fondness of the force because they now believe that all the Star Wars paraphernalia that some how made it into every aspect of their lives and personal possessions came from aliens.

C) Attention to details - while I can get away with skipping 5 pages in the tale of Dora the Explorer Meets Mighty Mouse in Mongolia they know exactly how many crackers, and we are talking fish crackers here, usually too numerous to count… I gave to all those in the room versus how many I gave to them. Give me a break

D) Independence - on one hand they claim that they do not know how to feed themselves, therefore, they would like for you to chew up and regurgitate their food for them or delicately place peeled grapes into their gaping/peeping mouths while singing the theme song from looney tunes. However, in the next hour they feel that they are completely and totally prepared to make pasta with flambeed mushrooms over a bed of fresh greens.

And so as you can see the rearing raising and wrangling of children is not an easy task.  It will make the sanest of us crazy and I never professed to be in that group…  I will be relieved when the summer is over.

Tips for Survival

I'm spending the week in Miami, Florida. It is a place of humidity, Cubans, the crocodiles. This has given me time to kick back, have a snort or two of cocaine laced with coffee (a real pick-me-up) and reflect on what i have learned about survival down here in these semi-tropical parts. Additionally, it is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, so all around me i see that people are not the smartest of creatures. However, we must learn from each other, lord knows a squirrel is not the teacher for the way to a long and happy life. I have learned that people all around you help you survive. What you pick up on the streets allows you to prolong your existence, or at least die in a sensible manner and not some strange tragic way that will inspire a low budget SyFy movie.

In light of sparing all my 10 valued followers, along with my other more secretive readers, i will share with you the ones who have allowed me to live all these marvelous years.

1. From Steve Erwin, stingrays sting - you would think that the name would warn one against harassing this animal, but i think it all really hit home when we all lost the betting pool and our buddy Steve died from a ray rather than in the belly of a croc. I never really thought that i would use this life lesson until i came here and learned that there is actually a location called Stingray City. I hope the Crocodile Hunter is on Netflix.

2. From the Cayman people, don't wear anything flashy - if you do when in the water, a baraacuda will attack. They have that sort of ostrich tendency apparently. If it can happen to Nemo's mom, it can happen to anyone; swim with caution.

3. From Sarah McLachlan, run - when you are anywhere and you hear "the arms of an angel", take off, there is about to be some really sad dogs with one eye and no home that will accost you with guilt. Soon you will hear about a three-legged dog ironically named Quatro in need of a home...you don't have the arms of an angel, but you can still fly away from here (that is only relevant if you have heard that song 908 times).

4. From the fine people at the Miami Airport - humor is not needed or appreciated when doing a selected bag search through customs. There is no such thing as sarcasm until you are out those double doors

5. From shark week - DON'T GET IN THE WATER

And so my valued visitors, i hope that you take with you some important lessons on life and the survival that will help you every day and on at least 126 bad reality TV shows.