Bob, Not Now.

Now that i have been on this magnificent island for over a month i have seen the dark side to this Caribbean that so many washed-up celebrities are in love with...

1. Chickens - you know how i feel about fowl... everywhere one turns there is some sort of rooster frolicking about in a bush, looking mildly picturesque, provoking me. they walk around like they own the place giving you that creepy sideways glance from their beady black eyes, making you think they could turn on you at any moment. One minute acting like some urban folks sweet backyard farm fantasy, the next minute they are running at ya, squawking for blood!

2. Reggae - let me put it this way, Jamaica is to the Caymans as Russia is to Sarah Palin's house... quite close but despite rumors, one cannot see it. Anyway, this means that everywhere one goes there is Bob Marley blaring at me in his happy Caribbean sing-song way. Here is my beef: Bob, i don't have a joint, this means that at times i am a bit bitter, and I am pretty sure your music would sound more inspired if indeed I had a bit of reefer to call my own… at times I feel your jovial attitude is NOT helping...

3. Trees - generally speaking there is just more stuff here that can be found in trees: lizards, geckos, iguanas, birds of all sorts... I am not used to things dripping, falling, or slithering from trees (unless you count acorns and then I guess I am used to them plopping down onto the soggy wet Oregon earth), and this can startle and disorient you... did I somehow end up on Pandora? Why is this bird electric blue and red? The lizard bright green? Where am I? This would be more of a problem if I was in anyway altered in my reality and sadly I am not (see point #2)… this means that there are more things that can give you more than one surprise and this freaks me out...

4. Roadkill - I've learned that one can tell a lot about a region/country’s priorities when one walks a bit down a road... Now part of the time i am trying to avoid being roadkill myself -other side of the road driving and all, go British colony- but the other flattened and deceased things that can be found there are biologically interesting (there must be a scientific study where one does nothing but try and understand a clutter by the road, what they choose to scoop up and eat, and what they choose to leave ect.., too bad my career choices have been decided or else I would ponder traipsing about the world looking down…). The top few; crabs (always freaked me out), green iguanas (they aren't native and quite a bother, so everyone guns the engines, swerves, and endangers their children, all just to squash a despised green iguana), and chickens (don't need to tell you that one again). Anyway, all i'm saying is wise up, except the crabs... i don't even know why they are around the roads...