Storybook Upgrade

I am happy to report that children in this day and age still read books. This means that on any given day me and my perfect moral compass are accosted by stories teaching every type of moral and values of this-and-that. You know, listen to your parents, be nice, blah blah blah... Who uses these lessons? Anyway, since i am fully grown and have no need for these lessons any longer, and in an effort to read between the very few lines in these books, I thought that maybe i could dig deeper and still learn something from these tales. Because i have a lot of time on my hands and because i read the same books over and over, i have come up with some more PG-13/R advice from some of our favorites.

1. Cinderella: all-weather footwear is important - We've all been there, you're at a gathering, there are libations, and some dude dances with you all night. More often then not, my friends, this fella is not a looker and feels that the unabomber was misunderstood. If you gotta get away, you cannot risk having a shoe fall off. There is some nasty stuff on the ground.

-- Side note; does it bother anyone else that one wardrobe change makes her unrecognizable to Cindy's family? No mention of plastic surgery, braces, botox etc but maybe this is where we must read between the lines… or this further shows that mead is more potent than first believed, dress accordingly.

2. Little Red Riding Hood: visit your family often - i don't mean to harp on this, but again there should be no confusion between one's grandmother and a canine, even if you have been on a 12-day Twilight bender, and your grandmother, who has been sprouting some bad-ass hairs on her chinny-chin-chin (oops a mixed fairy tale metaphor…), is your one and only best friend...That conversation should never happen, awkward.

3. Goldilocks and the Three Bears: observe your surroundings - if you want to crash on your friends couch cool, but look around, make sure you recognize the beer bottles on the floor, the skanky couch...something. If the walls seem a bit rockier and there is a wolverine carcass in the corner, maybe you should look closer and think harder about losing consciousness. Furthermore, if your only/best quality and thus your nickname comes from your hair, you need a personality transplant stat. I wonder if this was the first draft of one of those not-so-funny blond jokes.

4. Humpty Dumpty: stay away from walls when under the influence - i refuse to believe that Humpty just wanted to look at the grass on the other side. Something made him get up on the wall and fall of and i think it was something we call Guiness and a dare; such a fragile being would NOT on his own just jump up and teeter on a wall with the possibility of falling to his infinite fragmentation... I do give him props for being important enough that a monarchy would send all of the known horses and men, he obviously has friends in high places. I don't want to get political, but they never asked a well trained lady... Humpty could be in every middle school across the country preaching "hugs not drugs". Stay grounded.

So take heart, we are always learning.