International Stupidity

My schedule on this overgrown rock is a strenuous one. Between avoiding chickens, harassing iguanas, and beating creepy Jamaicans off with sticks, I barely have a moment to myself. However, there are a few precious minutes to look around. My view of white sand beaches and palm trees is generally obstructed by one thing: stupid people. So recently I said to myself (because I'm always alone): people are not the brightest of creatures. As soon as this earth-shaking morsel of knowledge took root in my brain, I started noticing the epic dumb dumb-ities that seem to be international. So what did I do? Why, I accumulated my research to share with you, my literary lovebugs. This is groundbreaking, so pay attention.

Things that make people look dumb no matter what nationality:

1) Doors-despite the fact that "push" and "pull", in both action and the written word, were taught to all in the "see-spot-run" first grade sector of our education, it still seems to stump people over and over again. Some people, upon bring truly stumped by this brain-hand coordination, even give up all together. Sadly, with automatic doors these people can still get sustenance instead of starving and thus finishing the last link in the evolutionary chain.

2) Straws-this is another coordination issue. See straw, conquer straw. When people get too cocky and attempt to master the straw without proper eye contact, one then looks like a fish dying out of water. Sad sight.

3) Stupid Checks-I'm not sure anyone thinks that their money will be taken seriously when someone writes a check with kittens in a basket or Beanie Babies. You might as well pay with monopoly money. Although checks that look like monopoly money would be clever and ironic. I'm marketing that.

4) Taking pictures of your food-I have yet to understand this. We're all glad you aren't a Olsen twin, but eating is nothing new. Unless your server has sculpted a replica of the Statue of Liberty out of your calamari, I don't care.

And so since I have no one here to warn in my solitude, I warn you, my blushing bookworm.