Tips for Survival

I'm spending the week in Miami, Florida. It is a place of humidity, Cubans, the crocodiles. This has given me time to kick back, have a snort or two of cocaine laced with coffee (a real pick-me-up) and reflect on what i have learned about survival down here in these semi-tropical parts. Additionally, it is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, so all around me i see that people are not the smartest of creatures. However, we must learn from each other, lord knows a squirrel is not the teacher for the way to a long and happy life. I have learned that people all around you help you survive. What you pick up on the streets allows you to prolong your existence, or at least die in a sensible manner and not some strange tragic way that will inspire a low budget SyFy movie.

In light of sparing all my 10 valued followers, along with my other more secretive readers, i will share with you the ones who have allowed me to live all these marvelous years.

1. From Steve Erwin, stingrays sting - you would think that the name would warn one against harassing this animal, but i think it all really hit home when we all lost the betting pool and our buddy Steve died from a ray rather than in the belly of a croc. I never really thought that i would use this life lesson until i came here and learned that there is actually a location called Stingray City. I hope the Crocodile Hunter is on Netflix.

2. From the Cayman people, don't wear anything flashy - if you do when in the water, a baraacuda will attack. They have that sort of ostrich tendency apparently. If it can happen to Nemo's mom, it can happen to anyone; swim with caution.

3. From Sarah McLachlan, run - when you are anywhere and you hear "the arms of an angel", take off, there is about to be some really sad dogs with one eye and no home that will accost you with guilt. Soon you will hear about a three-legged dog ironically named Quatro in need of a home...you don't have the arms of an angel, but you can still fly away from here (that is only relevant if you have heard that song 908 times).

4. From the fine people at the Miami Airport - humor is not needed or appreciated when doing a selected bag search through customs. There is no such thing as sarcasm until you are out those double doors

5. From shark week - DON'T GET IN THE WATER

And so my valued visitors, i hope that you take with you some important lessons on life and the survival that will help you every day and on at least 126 bad reality TV shows.