Owling Birthday

Last weekend was my birthday dinner. As I journeyed home, i suppose i should have known the night would be weird seeing as on my way home there was a clearence sale at the gun store; nonetheless i carried on. My house is a cross between a murderer's paradise and a place that would be perfect for growing weed. The point is it's in the middle of nowhere and if things didn't go well and my parents got me more airplane booze no one could hear them scream as i quietly beat them with small bottles. The evening started off normal enough-my parents have become mildly obsessed with happy hour (and, oddly enough, biscotti) and so we had libations and cheese. We talked of this and that, despite the fact that i was in close-to-paralyzing fear about what was wrapped in cartoon paper sitting in the living room.

For some reason my mother thought it wise to drink to my 22 years as well as my father's new change as he slipped out of the working class and into a life of leisure (and if he has his way, gleefully making weather vanes for all those who need to know where the wind blows). The house was filled with things from his office cubical: a 900-pound coat rack he black smithed, and signs from homeless people that he decided he should collect. It occured to me that my father's cubical could have been on hoarders, and i was happy if i could get out of the house without inheriting any of his bum sign collection.

Anyway somehow we got on the subject of owl calls, yes that was not a typo, there may have been some wine from my father ex-colege. My mother, an avid bird observer, swore that the way to remember a great horned owl was from its distinctive call "who cooks for you you you". My father, whose commuting partner was a professional owl caller, told him a different story.

And so my birthday dinner was spent with my father hooting over and over and my mother on the verge of divorce. My sister, the diplomat that she is, googled the owl call and we found that my father's very convincing owl call was indeed the correct one.

Not only was this issue put to bed but i realized that my mother had been lying to me all these years and when we had hunted for an owl that only seem to appear in our chicken coop for a good nibble, we were hunting in vain. In the end i received pillow cases, no booze, travel-size or otherwise, and somehow that 6,000 pound coat rack is in my car. I did learn some lessons, my loveable literary, and that is that one should always ask for things for one's birthday, that alcohol and bird calls do not mix, and that i wish i made this up.

Birthday Blunders

Today is my 22 birthday (i know, so much humor and intelligence in one so young and beautiful). I realize that after the big 2-1 there is very little to look forward to in the coming years besides a crisis or two and social security, and let's face we have good anti-psychotics and social security is a dream we will never realize, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, the point is, there's not a lot going on. I have learned, however, that there a few things that start to happen on and around one's birthday once they begin to enter their third decade. That being said, i will now share with you some insights into my date-of-birth dilemmas...

1. Date: now that i have left the nest my birthday falls on a time when normally, in my nomadic existence, i have moved. This leads to me asking for strange and useful things for my birthday such as light bulbs and extension cords. While this gift is well received in the moment, it doesn't leave you with much.

2. Presents: for some reason as you get older it becomes harder and harder to find items that you need or want. This is not to say that they do not exist, but on the month that is your birthday somehow everything leaves your head and you become almost un-American in your lack of desire for material goods. That being said, it is time to tell you a tale of the past about this strange phenomenon and how my parents chose to deal with it with regards to their eldest daughter.

For my 21st birthday i could not come up with things for my parents to get me. This is not a new occurrence for me, but nonetheless my parents chose to deal with it in a unconventional manner. A few days before we celebrated my glorious birth my parents had cleaned out the pantry. I, however, was unaware of this fact and was delighted to see 20 or so presents waiting for me. As i proceeded to open each small individual present i was more and more surprised by its content. I had managed to acquire 10 bottles of airplane/minibar-sized alcoholic beverages that appeared to have survived Prohibition. In addition, i also received a onion-shaped bottle opener that may or may not have been a gift at my parents' wedding, and last but certainly not least, a jug of wine. Not only was this jug of wine in a jug that is no longer manufactured, it was also from when my father was in college. This jug had seen both Bushes as president, it also had content that could be used to removed battery acid.

To conclude, i haven't ask for anything again this year and i fear the result, stay tuned.

Regretfully Remiss

As you may have noticed, i have been neglect in my duties to bring you my important thoughts. I apologize to the ten people that it affected and thought that i would give you an update as to what is happening in my life at the moment:

1. Moving - i have now officially moved to the big city. There have been many amendments to the country-bumkin-hillbilly lifestyle from which i was raised and so far there has not been anything too awkward

2. Neighbors - i was so happy to learn that the people that live below me are aspiring rappers. Every night i have the privilege, no let's say the pleasure, of listening to them warble on about whatever middle class white people discuss in the form of rap, ice ice baby?

3. Movies - this is a twofold experience. First, i went to see the Help, and all i wanted before my dose of period racism was some good previews. However, after the 5 minutes of previews i was overwhelmed with the urge to be anything other than human so that i would not be lumped in with the moderately brain dead people that are going to watch these movies. And so i pose this question to the world: how many movies does one need about a very special horse, or people beating the crap out of each other? We have Black Beauty, Secretariat and Mr Ed (even though they have yet to see the feature-length possibilities therein) so check on the equine movies. Then there is some strange need to watch aging actors sweat, overcome difficulty and pummel each other multiple times over a number of decades. that seems a bit much, even if the new twist is brother vs brother, just go into any self-respecting American family with a bunch of kids and you can see this very movie, maybe a light version as they won’t be big men yet, but nonetheless it is the same plot. 

Then, as if i wasn't punished enough, i found myself at the movies yet again watching the uplifting and comical Contagion. Before i begin, let me just say that everything is probably a moot point because very soon we will all die. Also STOP TOUCHING EVERYTHING. And since it is flu season you are going to thank me for this gentle reminder… By the time i went to see this movie my apartment was all furnished so all i had to do was stop and get 100 cans of soup, and all the antibacterial hand wash there was in the store,  and i'm in for the decade.

And so, my valiant viewer, i apologize and will now be giving you a more frequent does of epic sarcasm.

Lessons From Embezzlement to Stewed Turtle

My time in this sticky paradise is coming to a close, and in light of learning something from this experience I shall reflect on my time here in the land of riches and embezzlement...

A) From rich people: the key to really reveling in one's richness is multidimensional. First, living in a place with no taxes allows you to blow your cash on things that really matter and therefore help you look and truly seem Trump-like. For starters gates; every rich person needs them. It allows one to pretend like you are entering your own country and thus makes you feel every important. Fountains are next. It doesn't matter what the fountain is, they scream "money" even if they also subtly yell "pornographic". Lastly, location. You can't be rich unless you live in a place that has a name that can be mistaken for some sort of a landmark. Vistas, hills, and lakes allow a community to feel that they have some sort of claim to geographical fame. When I'm older I will own and live in a gated community called Vista Hills Lake. Cha ching.

B) My humor is not international: this was a sad revelation due in part to the fact that I wanted to purchase my Vista Hills Lake property from my comical practices. No, my valuable viewer, sarcasm is not universal. They say that smiling is, but I don't believe it. Propaganda from Botox companies.

C) I am morally opposed to eating sea turtle: You never know how you will react to something until it is put in front of you with a stewed fin protruding from the bowl.

D) I have morals: who knew?

So I suppose you could say that in this soul-searching mission I have learned something about myself. Sadly, I also lost part of my soul by trying to be chipper 9 hours a day with children. I am happy to be coming back stateside, but part of me fears that I have lost my comical touch...

International Stupidity

My schedule on this overgrown rock is a strenuous one. Between avoiding chickens, harassing iguanas, and beating creepy Jamaicans off with sticks, I barely have a moment to myself. However, there are a few precious minutes to look around. My view of white sand beaches and palm trees is generally obstructed by one thing: stupid people. So recently I said to myself (because I'm always alone): people are not the brightest of creatures. As soon as this earth-shaking morsel of knowledge took root in my brain, I started noticing the epic dumb dumb-ities that seem to be international. So what did I do? Why, I accumulated my research to share with you, my literary lovebugs. This is groundbreaking, so pay attention.

Things that make people look dumb no matter what nationality:

1) Doors-despite the fact that "push" and "pull", in both action and the written word, were taught to all in the "see-spot-run" first grade sector of our education, it still seems to stump people over and over again. Some people, upon bring truly stumped by this brain-hand coordination, even give up all together. Sadly, with automatic doors these people can still get sustenance instead of starving and thus finishing the last link in the evolutionary chain.

2) Straws-this is another coordination issue. See straw, conquer straw. When people get too cocky and attempt to master the straw without proper eye contact, one then looks like a fish dying out of water. Sad sight.

3) Stupid Checks-I'm not sure anyone thinks that their money will be taken seriously when someone writes a check with kittens in a basket or Beanie Babies. You might as well pay with monopoly money. Although checks that look like monopoly money would be clever and ironic. I'm marketing that.

4) Taking pictures of your food-I have yet to understand this. We're all glad you aren't a Olsen twin, but eating is nothing new. Unless your server has sculpted a replica of the Statue of Liberty out of your calamari, I don't care.

And so since I have no one here to warn in my solitude, I warn you, my blushing bookworm.

Storybook Upgrade

I am happy to report that children in this day and age still read books. This means that on any given day me and my perfect moral compass are accosted by stories teaching every type of moral and values of this-and-that. You know, listen to your parents, be nice, blah blah blah... Who uses these lessons? Anyway, since i am fully grown and have no need for these lessons any longer, and in an effort to read between the very few lines in these books, I thought that maybe i could dig deeper and still learn something from these tales. Because i have a lot of time on my hands and because i read the same books over and over, i have come up with some more PG-13/R advice from some of our favorites.

1. Cinderella: all-weather footwear is important - We've all been there, you're at a gathering, there are libations, and some dude dances with you all night. More often then not, my friends, this fella is not a looker and feels that the unabomber was misunderstood. If you gotta get away, you cannot risk having a shoe fall off. There is some nasty stuff on the ground.

-- Side note; does it bother anyone else that one wardrobe change makes her unrecognizable to Cindy's family? No mention of plastic surgery, braces, botox etc but maybe this is where we must read between the lines… or this further shows that mead is more potent than first believed, dress accordingly.

2. Little Red Riding Hood: visit your family often - i don't mean to harp on this, but again there should be no confusion between one's grandmother and a canine, even if you have been on a 12-day Twilight bender, and your grandmother, who has been sprouting some bad-ass hairs on her chinny-chin-chin (oops a mixed fairy tale metaphor…), is your one and only best friend...That conversation should never happen, awkward.

3. Goldilocks and the Three Bears: observe your surroundings - if you want to crash on your friends couch cool, but look around, make sure you recognize the beer bottles on the floor, the skanky couch...something. If the walls seem a bit rockier and there is a wolverine carcass in the corner, maybe you should look closer and think harder about losing consciousness. Furthermore, if your only/best quality and thus your nickname comes from your hair, you need a personality transplant stat. I wonder if this was the first draft of one of those not-so-funny blond jokes.

4. Humpty Dumpty: stay away from walls when under the influence - i refuse to believe that Humpty just wanted to look at the grass on the other side. Something made him get up on the wall and fall of and i think it was something we call Guiness and a dare; such a fragile being would NOT on his own just jump up and teeter on a wall with the possibility of falling to his infinite fragmentation... I do give him props for being important enough that a monarchy would send all of the known horses and men, he obviously has friends in high places. I don't want to get political, but they never asked a well trained lady... Humpty could be in every middle school across the country preaching "hugs not drugs". Stay grounded.

So take heart, we are always learning.

Bob, Not Now.

Now that i have been on this magnificent island for over a month i have seen the dark side to this Caribbean that so many washed-up celebrities are in love with...

1. Chickens - you know how i feel about fowl... everywhere one turns there is some sort of rooster frolicking about in a bush, looking mildly picturesque, provoking me. they walk around like they own the place giving you that creepy sideways glance from their beady black eyes, making you think they could turn on you at any moment. One minute acting like some urban folks sweet backyard farm fantasy, the next minute they are running at ya, squawking for blood!

2. Reggae - let me put it this way, Jamaica is to the Caymans as Russia is to Sarah Palin's house... quite close but despite rumors, one cannot see it. Anyway, this means that everywhere one goes there is Bob Marley blaring at me in his happy Caribbean sing-song way. Here is my beef: Bob, i don't have a joint, this means that at times i am a bit bitter, and I am pretty sure your music would sound more inspired if indeed I had a bit of reefer to call my own… at times I feel your jovial attitude is NOT helping...

3. Trees - generally speaking there is just more stuff here that can be found in trees: lizards, geckos, iguanas, birds of all sorts... I am not used to things dripping, falling, or slithering from trees (unless you count acorns and then I guess I am used to them plopping down onto the soggy wet Oregon earth), and this can startle and disorient you... did I somehow end up on Pandora? Why is this bird electric blue and red? The lizard bright green? Where am I? This would be more of a problem if I was in anyway altered in my reality and sadly I am not (see point #2)… this means that there are more things that can give you more than one surprise and this freaks me out...

4. Roadkill - I've learned that one can tell a lot about a region/country’s priorities when one walks a bit down a road... Now part of the time i am trying to avoid being roadkill myself -other side of the road driving and all, go British colony- but the other flattened and deceased things that can be found there are biologically interesting (there must be a scientific study where one does nothing but try and understand a clutter by the road, what they choose to scoop up and eat, and what they choose to leave ect.., too bad my career choices have been decided or else I would ponder traipsing about the world looking down…). The top few; crabs (always freaked me out), green iguanas (they aren't native and quite a bother, so everyone guns the engines, swerves, and endangers their children, all just to squash a despised green iguana), and chickens (don't need to tell you that one again). Anyway, all i'm saying is wise up, except the crabs... i don't even know why they are around the roads...