Scary Sexual Snuggle

Recently i was rather innocently reading a lady mag. I was doing what any person exploring one of these oh-so-educational periodicals might. You know, investigating what Britney Spears’s 'Curiosity' smelled like, (in an answer: faint...this is probably because the only thing Brit is ever curious about is when she is imagining how many pieces of chicken will be in her bucket at the KFC drive through, but i digress...). In addition to smelling the musk of the stars i learned the proper length of pantaloons for my body, another important piece that was missing in my life. And then i came across what may be the most disturbing 4 square inches of words and images ever printed. 

Someone has created and published a book named Snuggie Sutra. I know, epic disturbance in the force up in here. For some unknown reason this ladies' journal felt it necessary to give its poor innocent readers the highlights. Before i begin my rage against this literature, i would like to tell you that i am sorry that i cannot show you this tragic piece of print. i tried to find it on the mag website and am too afraid to actually google so i guess do so at your own risk... so let us discover the many issues that come with the Snuggie Sutra:

1. The greatest horror is that someone saw this as a growing market. There were so many Snuggie wearing couples out there that were like “this is really complicated, to do any loving in a blanket with arms and NO claps, zippers, or velcro.” And if so WHO IS HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE THAT CAN’T FIND THEIR WAY OUT OF A BLANKET??

2. Again i am baffled by the fact that no has seemed to figure out that a Snuggie is a bathrobe backwards. Since this is the case, old people have been doing this for years. I know no one wants to hear that but it is true. And i am sorry.

3. Also color me crazy, but who gets so caught up in the sexy times that they can’t slip off a blanket to get things a-rollin’?

4. I would now like to share the titles of the selected for the innocent readers of this awesome magazine, let us begin; 

There is "Me Tarzan You Jane", and no i am not joking, this requires a little more effort apparently one has to tack the blanket part of the Snuggie to the wall. Who has time to do this and still remember the redeeming quality of a person with a Snuggie i will never know...

Moving on, there is the "Warm and Fuzzy", i don't need to say anything more besides the fact that that was the tagline for furbbies i do believe...

"Zorro", from the look of the drawing it appears that this is a solo act, and considering the person that does that probably believes that they are Zorro that is what they will be doing for a long while...  

Then there is the "Goal Post" which looks more like a gyno exam... enough said

"Miss Independent" , the Kelly Clark song wasn't awesome i doubt that you could make it better by yourself

"Papoose", which is really disturbing and i feel like may be offensive... and the word 'papoose' just seems gross doesn't it?

And last there is the "Yes Ma'am", this is what people say after they fill up your gas tank, not when you are making the beasts with two backs.

And to end things i say yet agin that A SNUGGIE IS A BATHROBE BACKWARDS, and WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT OWN SNUGGIES AND ARE STILL GETTING ACTION. this is not the America i knew as a child...