The Art of Insults

I have decided that it is time to put insulting/name calling to a science. Normally I would say that it is important to play by the playground rule of not saying anything but nice happy rainbows, but unfortunately I, like I'm sure many of you, are surrounded with people that would couple with a slug (awesome insult number one) I am forced to abandon playground rules and get dirty.

I have tried hard to not drop f-bombs like a republican administration on a group of people kicking it in the desert. There are two reasons for this leaf at which I have attempted to turn over; the first being that I don't want to sound like a crazy person, and the second being that I hate all the fillers - fudge, frick, fiddle sticks - all annoying. And so I would like to show you, my rambling reader, some different ways to insult those with a smaller IQ that seem to surround us all....

1. Name calling is all good - it is always important to go back to our times on the playground... if someone is getting angry just say "calm yourself there angry Andrew" (also mean Megan, crazy Christa) add what they are doing with a name that starts with the same sound...

2. Comparing to objects - there are classics: "dumb as a doorknob," also there is plain dildo (hard to come back from that), but I have made some new ones for different situations,

in the bedroom: "slow down there, Swiffer Wet-Jet"

sibling showdown: "getting a little chubby there, crock pot..."

3. I would also recommend looking to other countries for your insults as it makes you sound more worldly... 

Things That Annoy Me

 
Recently it seems that nothing of note has found it necessary to be in my life, and so i dig deep and try to find something else noteworthy to write about. So, i concluded that it would be best if i scribbled down something that i am confronted with day in and day out. Annoyance. Those who know me know that i am easily annoyed, it is really the only emotion i have left, and so i have compiled a list of things that make me want to assassinate babies in a fit of annoyed rage...

1. People who were absent that day in first grade when we learned how to "read inside your head" - is there anything more annoying than sitting next to someone who thinks they're in Reading Rainbow? The answer: negative.

2. America's Funnest Home Videos - am i the only person that hates this show? To me it is a story of evolution. All these people ignored the wishes of nature and had children anyway, and when the children realize that their existence does nothing but increase trailer sales, they spend an hour on ABC Family hitting people in the naughty places in hopes that they will not be able to sire another child.

3. Excessive animal love - i don't know what it is about it but show me anyone who is trying to squeeze the life out of some poor unfortunate creature while simultaneously trying to dye them pink and i will assassinate them.

4. People who show up for a 2 hour class 5 minutes before the class ends - what are you learning in those last moments? NEVER COME TO THIS CLASS AGAIN!

5. People with weather retardation - what's up pussycat? I'm judging your life choices...

6. Bi-Mart - I can barely stand Bi-Mart - don't ask me why. It's like my worst nightmare of being caught in a concrete warehouse with too much tupperware and all my high school classmates that really never made it off the ground.

Now of course there are many more but in light of not using the word assassinate one more time i will leave you with those...

The Complicated Galaxy of Horoscopes

I don't know if any of you have noticed, but around me everyone with a vagina and a cell phone has been all a-twitter about the new astrology (thankfully they have not actually been tweeting their spastic astrology issues or i would have divorced them from my friendship hexagon). Now, i do not run in the same circles as the 2-year-olds that are really affected by this great change, but nonetheless this did make me Google. As i was researching - mostly for you, my radiant reader - i realized that anyone with the ability to look up (and in possession of a Star Wars DVD) can write horoscopes. So now i realize that it is part of my star path and destiny to show you how this may be done....

1. General Horoscope - choose one action that no one wants to have happen to them. Followed by 2 or more things that people cannot avoid. Add validity by talking about star rotations and planet alignment that you remember from Bill Nye the Science Guy DVD's.

Example: Capricorn - A capricorn does not like to be vomited on. Additionally because of the lunar goddess being your step mother you can find that Capricorns will eat daily, and sleep at least one hour a day or nore.

What's the likelihood that you will find an extreme insomniac that can survive without sustenance and has a vomit fetish? DOUBTFUL.

2. Daily Horoscope - these are most often about work and love so stick with them, and remember people will always be into flattery even if it is not true at all. Begin with work, find one positive thing that all people must do at work. In the middle add one compliment about the importance of this poor gullible soul and the people they know. Finally, love is what people are really reading for, so make it good. One positive thing that all people should possess. One should also add a lot of weird things about the planets, moons and the sun moving this way and that.

Example: Libra - Today the libra will communicate with someone on the job. Libras always know at least one person. In addition with the sun moving slightly to the left of Saturn and about 5 and a half stars will make you think about love.

Again, find me a mute hermit that lives alone off city-settlement checks when they were hit by a mail truck, who hatched from an egg and so does not know the parent of said fat sad hermit and also has since not seen or gestured at anyone AND is asexual. Oh and was born between September 23 and October 22. BAM, that's how you do that.

And so ravishing readers i say to you, it is not hard nor is it unattainable to become the next Queen or King of the 3rd Lunar star System 12 Degrees to the Right of the Big Dipper (that is often times the humble beginnings of every great astrologer).

Bring Down the House

 Last night i went out on the town; let me tell you it is quite scary, and so to help you, gentle readers, with some of your nightime travels i have created some rules that will aid you while you are in da club:

1. Beware of small people: if some of you may have noticed, most of the girls seen out at night have managed to get into the club via the doggy door. Because of their small stature i recommend keeping an eye out for them scuttling about...

2. Give a boy an inch and he will take about 18 miles: and when it comes to taking miles things begin to roam, and like any good cell phone provider your friends can put an end to that roaming with a good plan and put you in a good girl-on-girl protective family plan.

3. Black lights make everyone look like meth addicts - don't look too closely: everywhere you look people are covered it what looks like white powder, it appears that some people might have missing teeth, and everyone has crazy eyes...


4. Beware of the one dude that's wearing a winter jacket inside: places packed with people are always about 112 degrees with 347% humidity. That being said we always know that there is one fella that is wearing his Michelin-man winter coat while dancing with a girl that is wearing someone's leg warmer as a dress.

Now i cannot guarantee that these rules will always keep you safe... but my rules are at least a start...

Weather Retardation

Get excited it is time for another awesome definition... 

For those who are living under a heat-controlled rock it is cold here. So cold in fact, that some people have been overwhelmed with freezer burn and have had a lot of issues getting dressed. This, my friends, is known as weather retardation. It is a sad problem that seems to face mostly young people today, here are some of the issues outcomes...

1. People with weather retardation have a tendency to only be visual.
Example: A sunny day in January does not a warm day make...
              
2. Also despite popular belief, flip flops are not all-weather footware. If you need your toes free, try some Keens and move to Seattle, or wear some Crocs and a get lifetime subscription to eHarmony. If neither seems like a life choice you are interested in put on some close-toed shoes, toes are not anyone's most attractive feature.

3.When one is trotting on an iced covered sidewalk in high heeled booties you look more like a sandpiper on crack, again this is doing you no favors...

4. As a general rule if I can see my breath I want to see no part of you. See, it rhymes.

5. To all men that feel the magnificentness of their calves cannot be contained by pants no matter what the season, they aren't that awesome, and watching you go into the early stages of hypothermia while waiting for the bus does very little for us bundled womenfolk.

So everyone stop trying to be svelte and put a coat on it. It is winter no one cares that you look like the abominable snowman's winter lover...

Pushuating Problematic Phrases

Most old people know that us crazy kids have our own crazy language. Now most of them think that this is a giant conspiracy, probably headed up by Miley Cyrus. Well it is true that good old Miley probably can't spell anything and uses this terms out of necessity, (oh, my, god, is hard to handle and long, better to abbreviate) however other people in of my lovely generation have greatly overused these phrases. This, my friends, is a problem, and here is how i see it...

: )  ; ) : ( - I have the most issues with these smiley faces that have been very popular of late. My least favorite is the ; ). Why you ask? Well let us think. Who is it that winks? Answer, creepy old men and playboy playmates as they're straddling a camel. So when you say something and add a wink what are you really saying to me? "ok tonight sounds good. ; )" ok tonight sounds good wink from me suggesting that i changed sexes and aged 50 years so now i'm going to eat some pudding and flip down my sun glass lenses over my glasses and leer at you while pretending to Velcro my shoes? No i think not

lol - things are rarley so funny that one will feel the need to laugh out loud. I am obviously a bit bias because i don't have emotions and  have very few instances in which i feel the need to laugh out loud. Furthermore laughing out loud is sort of frowned upon in society. If you see a guy laughing when no one is around you know what he is? Homeless.

! - this is more of a classic that goes for aspects beyond a tiny phone screen. I fully admit the fact that this is something that holds mostly true only to me. I just have an issue with people overusing excitement. So i ask only one thing for those who abuse the ! ... save it only for a time when things are life threatening. "I am falling from a tree!" acceptable. "can't wait to see you" not necessary, i know i'm the most important part of your life, no need to show this by adding a extra symbol that makes you seem shrill at the end of your phrase. 

Clever Calendars

So for those of you who didn't notice it yet, it is January. To me this month means two things. Chubby people wishing their epic flab to be worked away, and calendar sales. I take most of my issues with the later, and now I will share my thoughts and comments on the world of calendars because after all it is Bella and Edward's world and we just live in it:

1. I have long since made peace with the fact that people love themselves 12 months of sher peis, on wheelbarrows, in candy land.

2. However, recently I came across something epically disturbing. Walking innocently through the bookstore I saw something that terrified me. There, nestled between a classic car and Sports Illustrated calendars, I saw a calendar containing PIGEONS! Yeah it is true. Pigeons, my fifth most feared bird behind only peacocks, roosters, seagulls, and parrots. This I feel has gone too far, pigeons are about as interesting as slugs, wouldn't that be a thrilling ride through the year.

3. Furthermore, that poor photographer. I don't know this from experience but I would assume that posing a carrier pigeon, or a banana slug for that matter, seems very taxing.

4. And so after I saw the weirdness that is people's prefrences of calendars, I thought I would chip in a few ideas:
a. Slugs - said it once I'll say it again
b. and array of underground creature - worms, moles, weird bugs
c. any sort of garden equipment with animals seems to be very popular - might I suggest a weasel in a watering can?

5. Additionally, I would like people to stop making things out of vegetables. In one sitting I saw them making accessories, fish underwater, and the staple of vegetable creatures.

Questions for 2011

Well all followers it is the new year... instead of vowing something that i will soon forget i have decided that this will be a year of investigation. I will find answers to the burning questions that have haunted me... i will also share these mysterious morsils with all of you.

1. How many land before times movies are there? and furthermore when will they end? little foot will eventually grow into his feet and we all know that the dinosaur thing ended sometime...

2. ,.?;"' - no this is not a swear word, most can attest that i have figured those out, i'm talking grammar, if you're reading this you know that it has been a struggle...

3. When will the blonde on top brown on bottom hair color fad go away? This, is a disturbing trend, and not in the least bit cute so maybe evolution will take its course and all those who wear it so proudly will never procreate.

4. How long till One Tree Hill the TV show is over? That thing has been on for ages...

5. Chicken or the egg? What can i say i'm ambitious,

6. Will furbies ever re-gain their former popularity? This is more of a survival thing i need to know so that i can find a different country for which to reside

and so to all you out there i say that it is more likely that i will get some of these answers before you all make any of your new year resolutions come true.... and so off i go to investigate.