The Complicated Galaxy of Horoscopes

I don't know if any of you have noticed, but around me everyone with a vagina and a cell phone has been all a-twitter about the new astrology (thankfully they have not actually been tweeting their spastic astrology issues or i would have divorced them from my friendship hexagon). Now, i do not run in the same circles as the 2-year-olds that are really affected by this great change, but nonetheless this did make me Google. As i was researching - mostly for you, my radiant reader - i realized that anyone with the ability to look up (and in possession of a Star Wars DVD) can write horoscopes. So now i realize that it is part of my star path and destiny to show you how this may be done....

1. General Horoscope - choose one action that no one wants to have happen to them. Followed by 2 or more things that people cannot avoid. Add validity by talking about star rotations and planet alignment that you remember from Bill Nye the Science Guy DVD's.

Example: Capricorn - A capricorn does not like to be vomited on. Additionally because of the lunar goddess being your step mother you can find that Capricorns will eat daily, and sleep at least one hour a day or nore.

What's the likelihood that you will find an extreme insomniac that can survive without sustenance and has a vomit fetish? DOUBTFUL.

2. Daily Horoscope - these are most often about work and love so stick with them, and remember people will always be into flattery even if it is not true at all. Begin with work, find one positive thing that all people must do at work. In the middle add one compliment about the importance of this poor gullible soul and the people they know. Finally, love is what people are really reading for, so make it good. One positive thing that all people should possess. One should also add a lot of weird things about the planets, moons and the sun moving this way and that.

Example: Libra - Today the libra will communicate with someone on the job. Libras always know at least one person. In addition with the sun moving slightly to the left of Saturn and about 5 and a half stars will make you think about love.

Again, find me a mute hermit that lives alone off city-settlement checks when they were hit by a mail truck, who hatched from an egg and so does not know the parent of said fat sad hermit and also has since not seen or gestured at anyone AND is asexual. Oh and was born between September 23 and October 22. BAM, that's how you do that.

And so ravishing readers i say to you, it is not hard nor is it unattainable to become the next Queen or King of the 3rd Lunar star System 12 Degrees to the Right of the Big Dipper (that is often times the humble beginnings of every great astrologer).