I Fear Waddles

Some of you may be wondering what i have been up to recently, being as the weather cannot make up its mind, and i have a plethora of important schoolwork that needs done. Well, i have been procrastinating the economical way: with angry thoughts. There is a great void in my life yes, but i find that that void can be filled with channel surfing. Case in point: bull riding - don't ask me why, mostly there was nothing on TV and i wanted to throw ESPN 28 or whatever channel broadcasts stupid sports very few people want to throw a bone, but there i was, captivated, and thankfully i learned a few things about this denim covered sport and coincidentally myself as well...

1. The bulls all have ridiculous names; Tough as Nails, Hard as Steel, if it can be a porno name it is also the name of a ten ton cow. I think that a name of these massive quadrupeds should be ironic. might i recommend Castration, No Offspring for You, or Look at Where 2 years of High School Can Get You. All these things are clever, and less about how one describes their 4 x 4 trucks and/or man stick which seems to be the current trend.

2. I have officially decided that nothing good comes from a creature with a waddle, you know extra unneeded skin under and upon the chin, neck, and upper sternum quadrant. These bulls look like they are the after story on a TLC show about extreme weight loss. Also, let us review the others who have a little too much under-chin gobble. There is an assortment of fowl, which as we all know i would like to harm. Ever met a cuddly turkey? I think not. Then of course there is select old people, again not always cuddly. It is a proven fact that extra skin is usually filled with animosity, lets just say waterbuffalos are filled with bitterness. So lets keep our necks tight for the sake of the world, oh, and avoid shar pei's they have extra skin everywhere...that has to chafe.

3. I now understand what people in the Midwest do to keep themselves from watching Wizard of Oz for the 346th time (the Midwest's only claim to fame) they grab themselves some sort of energy drink that they saw advertised on the side of a monster truck and strap themselves to a creature with less brain cells than a sponge and see what that big boy can do.

4. When you are training to be a correction officer they make you get sprayed with pepper spray so that you know what the prisoners feel, this should be the same thing for this activity. How many bull riders would there be if they had to have their balls strapped to their kidney and then have another man with some unspent sexual frustration demand that he ride you while you writhe around in pain in the dirt. Answer: not a lot, but Brokeback Mountain may have had another group of very supportive cowboys. 

Think on it.

Dear Drunken Boy Stumbling Past My Residence

Dear Drunken Boy Stumbling Past My Residence,

Yet again let us discuss the time. It is 10:37 in the PM on a MONDAY, you are doing better than your female counterpart but i still feel that you have some issues we can discuss as you weave and talk not at all discreetly.

1. I'm sure you are striking fear into the hearts of your brethren with your intoxicated bellows, but for those who are not around you it is just a sign that evolution is a cold, slow mistress.

2. I'm astounded that you have reached this epic level of douche-bagatry so early in the night, this is normally reserved for John Gosselin.

3. Unless you work in the Intimates department at Macy's lets stop over-using the term "bra". your "brothers" have abandoned you, as did any chance to actually take off a real bra tonight.

These are only a few comments i have on your early evening life choices. Also, i don't know this for a fact but i would assume that you really have a great desire in your loins to urinate somewhere "original". Please do not unless you are on a leash, i like the fire hydrants in this neighborhood.

Thanks bunches,
Sidney

Once Upon a Time in a Hot Tub

Last night i found myself in an interesting predicament. May i set the scene?

Once upon a night I was sitting in a murky hot tub with my sibling. There were also 3 other lovely gentlemen in this steaming tub. To describe them i would have to convey to you the stages of Cast Away.

1.There was one in the "cast" stage: a bit of scruff, mostly in the chin area.
2. Then we reach the "a" stage, in which there is some patchiness that no one can handle except a high school girl because no one should wear that unless they live at home with their parents.
3. Finally we reach full on "castaway"... wilson is gone, no more fed ex packages, good bye tom hanks, i'm talking hair long enough to braid. Give him a staff and he could have been wizard of the hot tub.

Anyways, seeing all these gloriously covered chins sprouting with unusual hair i was hit by a thought. Due to these men's strange fondness for scruff i knew one thing then and there. If the bubbles cleared i could be sitting in a hot tub with centaurs. Now obviously, i was not in a hot spring in Narnia, but if i was i would be up to my clavicle in bubbly-furred hindquarters. And so that is the story of a young girl and her accidental foray into a fantastical hot tub.

The End
 

Oh Moby, You Are Predicatable

Call me masochistic, but I just watched Moby Dick: 2010. My reasoning for this was twofold: first, I wanted to test my theory of monster movies, and this one seemed like a real doozy; second, I believe that in order to really have faith in one's education you have to really try your damnedest to rot out everything in your brain you have so expensively squished in there. So let us review: I know I'm right, but it's important for everyone else to trust that I always speak true.

Let's review this bad boy:

Plot: Captain Ahab is mad at a whale.

Creature: Crazy big whale from back in the day, cruises around the ocean (don't you feel safe Iowa) and eats boats and whatnot. To say he has an anger problem is an understatement.

Scientist: A lady that is a specialist in whale language, which of course is so very under-appreciated until a giant whale throws a hissy fit

Computer Animation: 500-foot-whale is inspired by what looks like a toy that has had one two many baths with little Jimmy, so in a word: perfection.

Military: The movie spends almost the whole time in a navy submarine, and we have the pleasure of watching like 20 other subs get bitten in half.

The fact that I am epically right is such a sweet victory, however, movies such as these still hold mystery, and some questions that need answers:

1. Do any of these creatures know that one can not survive off a diet of anger and construction material alone?
It appears that the issue of food is never really addressed, these animals just go around eating oil tankers, and apparently these give them plenty of their daily vitamins so that they may frolic in the deep blue sea.

2. Why no pupils?
I've said it once and I'll say it again: pupils are an indicator of good. Let's review: Luke Skywalker - pupils, Dark Vader - just a helmet, I have known about this trick ever since I was little and watched the Rats of NIMH, you know that crazy old one with all-white eyes? Scarred. Me. For. Life. But I digress, Moby - eyes black as a raven, ravens have no visible pupil, full circle. 

3. Where are you SeaWorld?
A little advice, get in on the ground floor of a mammoth orca-bear with wings, and you could be going places. By places I mean BIGGEST SPASH ZONE OF ALL TIME. No one would be safe and it would be a money maker.

So you see my ravishing reader I don't know everything, but I do know most of it, let's just hope there are still enough mysterious things in our future.

How to Make a Monster Movie

Recently i was spastically scrolling through Netflix, looking for some sort of cinematic experience involving little to no thinking, and i was greeted with my own kryptonite. That's right folks, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. Now, i was prepared for the level of awesomeness that would greet me, since i had already seen Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (yet another winner) but about half way through this big screen blunder i realized that i may have found my own career path. Brace yourself, its another how-to...

These are the things you need to make a horrible action monster movie that no one will enjoy:

a) Idea - in theory this is necessary, but you could also just have a really clear memory of an acid trip you were on not to long ago...

b) Actors - you need at least one of the following:
                - A person who believes that they can speak in some sort of accent but really can't even a little. This is crucial, something about trashy accents really legitimize these sorts of movies.
                - Porn stars, i don't know what it is about monster movies but it really brings out Missy and Sissy and their amazing acting career, but i really appreciate that when they are traditionally bathing somewhere they are not supposed to, topless, and splashing each other, they get eaten first. Isn't that just always the way?
               - A person who used to have a relatively interesting and moderately successful career. In this case it was the guy that played Urkel (awesome no?). The best part is, after you watch their Oscar-winning performance in these movies you can usually see them try and find a lifemate on VH1 right after.


c) A creature - you can fight them against each other like an over-aggressive 5-year-old boy or just let their greatness stand on their own, either way consider the following:
               - Land Before Time. For some reason no monster should be one that actually exists. If it could scare Ducky into having a determined sex and gender, then it will scare the American public. When in doubt add -asaurous to the end of anything and you're golden.
               - Combos. These seem to be really popular. You need a monster the animal equivalent of Sylvester Stallone: scary, filled with anger, REALLY funny looking, and with the dangerous mindset that it can do anything.
                - Water. The most popular seem to be creatures that are most found of water; i think that this is because the only people who watch these movies are the sad fat ones from Minnesota, it gives them a glimmer of hope. 


d) Computer animation - you need to make a prehistoric mole-pterodactyl hybrid. Thankfully the bar isn't even available for a standard, so if you have a paint program on your computer you will be fine. 

e) The military - for some reason they are always involved, and rarely helpful, how close to real life...


f) Plot - this is always the least important but usually needs a few of the aspects below:
                 - How did this creature get here? Usually this is from an iceberg or a volcano, but i think you should think outside of the box: maybe just have a rotund octopus-sword fish just fall from the sky? This always needs to be addressed, but don't feel pressure, no one can be bothered to talk about it for more than 2 and a half sentences.
                  - Scientists, they are always involved too. its important to have one that somehow gets by studying something that cannot possibly warrant study until a COLOSSAL PORCUPINE-EEL GETS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT OUT OF A CANNON, thank god you are here, scenically awkward stereotypical scientist!
                  - How are we going to blow this mother up? After all the military power fails it's usually something stupid: i just found out that this obese salmon-bearasaurus is allergic to corn flakes we will just corner it and feed them to it till it dies from a reaction, and also blows up.

So grab some swim trunks and thank everyone you know that you don't live in the Midwest, it's time for a monster movie.

There ARE Stupid Questions

Today I was enjoying a run-of-the-mill-educational experience when my teacher uttered the phrase that we all fear: "There is no such thing as a stupid question." Let me tell you, my fine feathered friends, there is not enough wood in this lumber state to knock on to avoid the plethora of stupid questions that are about to descend upon my scholastic adventures.

This phrase, along with the dumb-dumbs that seek to show how false those words can be, have followed me for most of my educational career. When this is uttered from a educational specialist's mouth, it creates a lot of questions for those who have an IQ of over 13 about the teacher's life choices, as well as the students who really take these words to heart. Why would you ask that? How is it that you can go through life without being hit by a bus? Do you need examples of stupid questions? I will give you some stupid questions.

And so I am reminded that our educators are often times dumb-dumbs themselves, so let us explore some other falsehoods they tend to utter...

1. This is a reasonable reading load: if one must comment on the amount of reading, then it is not a reading load for a normal human being. Also, if something must be described in a quantity that usually would be moved by a truck the chances that the load is manageable is quite small. 

2. Your final should be fun: Want to make it fun? How about we have a final about how much we love sleeping and not being in class. Allowing us to choose a subject for our final makes us hate you less, not dance about because you gave us the option of researching feminism in China vs. Japan.

So beware of these flaws in the educational system in which we frolic. Watch yo self.

Questions: Hollywood Edition

Even though i feel that i emotionally broke up with school a few months ago, my ever-interested and brilliant mind is still asking questions i do not know the answers to. Once i was able to filter these questions (in a non-schizophrenic way mind you), i noticed that many of them were of the pop culture presuasion, and so i decided to share some of them with you all.

Who purchased Nicholas Cage's soul?
I don't know from experience, since my soul is still open for bidding on Ebay, but one would assume that you just can't make gems like National Treasure without missing some chromosomes and some sort of good decision making barometer. I just want to know: where did it go? And is it not serving its purpose, so now you're going for his hair?

Where is Jonathan Taylor Thomas?
Everyone knows him (Simba, Home Improvement) but where did he go? To my knowledge he has not died, so what's up? My prediction: he left our world to go be the leader of the Lolly Pop Guild.

What is the Bad Girls Club show about?
In my experience there are many places in which one can find a "bad girls club." For example: the whole state of New Jersey, in the parking lot of a GED building, on the set of teen mom. Because of this, i can only believe that this is about something more than alcoholism, but then again the human condition always disappoints me.

Has anyone ever mistaken the Olsen twins for crazy bag ladies?
It could happen if i saw them on the street, i would definitely give them a quarter...

And so there you have it life and its mysteries never end...