Thoughts from a Weary Traveler

Hello comrades, 

I know it has been long... For those of you who follow my whereabouts in an unstocker-like manner you know that i have been spending the last few days south of the border with people the allegedly share my DNA. Like all family vacations this time spent with those with whom i share genes was successful considering that we all have return with our limbs intact. Of course another way at which to gage success to look back on all that one has learned, and so i will do so and as such share with you some wonderful morsels about traveling abroad for your holiday enjoyment:

1. A rule of family vacations, embrace your personal embezzler and milk those who have sired you. There are only a few years where this is acceptable and when you are out of the country you can really get things going.

2. Americans, in what seems like an exclusive move, feel that it is comforting to bring part of their own environment and culture with them when traveling out of the country. This means that people who are not conditioned must suddenly be visually assaulted by your camo outfits. This is hard to handle for anyone, and the only time it really seems acceptable is when you are standing proudly over a freshly killed jackolop in a wooded area near or around G. W.’s ranch or the greater Republic of Texas. 

So please older redneck sitting in front of me on the plane. I don’t know if you noticed but you are in a white tin box with illuminated exit signs. Everyone can see you, and they do not care for it. If you want to be a rebel tamper with the laboratory smoke detecters, that’s really frowned upon. 

3. As part of the human condition we try and relate to each other. This means that if you meet someone from Michigan human instinct may make you try to forge a connection with them by discussing the law about how one cannot tie a alligator to a fire hydrant (yeah that’s true, thank you Sidney for furthering my knowledge and helping me grow). However this need to relate that we have within us has one major flaw, and it goes something like this...

“So where are you from?”

“Oh I’m from Oregon.” 

(Here it comes) “Oregon really? I have a second cousin that lives there, do you know Sally Smith?”

Why does this happen? Oregon is small yes but we just added our 108th person last month and it very well could have been Sally Smith. While most people think we just hopped off our wagons and made a hut out of a deer carcass, there are actually a few people over here. This, of course, is not something only i encounter, i could not imagine with people who live in states with more that 12 people do. And so i say weary traveler, no, i don’t know Sally Smith and i am appalled that you would ask me. 

And so i give you a few educational traveling observations to ponder over this holiday. You can now rest easy knowing that all 10, yes in my heart i feel we have reached double digits, people who read this can get excited that i am once again back in cyberspace. 

Happy Holidays 

How to survive the holiday's...

Greetings, 

I am hailing to you from the Phenix airport on my way to Mexico to try my hand at becoming a heroin smuggler for 2 weeks. Now you may think to yourself “whatever will i do without your infinite guidance and wisdom?” well skipper calm yourself, i have compiled a survival guide to all the annoying questions that tend to bombard one over the holidays. 

These answers are to avoid any of the when i was your age talk, as well as mildly disturb the person who has made it their mission to interview you...

1. The sexual update/mate selection question
1. i find that this works best by going the complete other direction, and don’t be afraid to be specific

EX: “You know i’m not so much into boys anymore, i’m really attracted to aliens, but not just any, only the ones from 2 galaxies down, and 1 over”

1. What’s your major/life study?
1. this is a formula start with The History of - followed by a word that means hard to find (rare, unique, obscure) - then a random country - and last anything you could find in a library or museum 

EX: “I’m studying The History of Obscure Madagascar Statues”

1. What is the best/most important thing you have learned in college/your life?
1. this is where one really must avoid the stories of the olden days of 1920. Now you can go two routes the honest

EX: “i’ve really learned the effects of large amounts of alcohol on the body and property that’s not mine”

or the other option of a class that you really learned a lot in, again a formula, Dr. - followed by the 2 names of tool bags that you can think of - “and his class on the” - an SAT word (juxtaposition, globalization, opposition...) - of - a food of any kind 

EX: “The class i learned the most in was definitely Dr. Trump Phil’s and his class on the Juxtaposition of Mashed Potatoes.

1. And then of course the future plans talk
1. Tell them you are planning to join and organization/group, but everyone knows someone who was in the peace corps, or red cross and no one wants to sit through that boredom... so simply choose a emotion - and follow it by something you would find in a city

EX: “I think i’m going to join the group Happy School Busses/Angry Sidewalks and so on” 

Finally learning things during finals...

Today during my last final i spelled my name wrong. This is clearly a warning sign that my brain is full, and because of this i have decided to attempt to unload some of the information i learned during and around finals week on the 5 of you, not including my mother, that read this monstrosity:

1. there is nothing more gratifying than writing a paper single spaced and making that bitch double. Suddenly that one paragraph that you wrote in between the times you were facebooking, online shopping, and general googling, turned into 2 PARAGRAPHS and you feel far more accomplished meaning it is time for a study break....

2. writing a 10 page paper about the ramification of electronic manufacturing and globalization, is a way to make a person that has not thought about taking their own life begin to seriously consider it...

3. kangaroos can't jump backwards, so if your finals fail you there is something to take home

4. a warning to people who wear normal clothing to the library YOU WILL BE JUDGED this is a time for sweatpants, please partake...

and so as you can see i learned a lot about myself and made harsh judgements about those around me, this, my friends, is what the true meaning of finals week is

Winnie the Pooh - Where are they now?

Today i was able to partake in the celebration of birth of one of my amigos. Now, being that it is not 1860 it is not exactly a feat that one can live to the ripe old age of 22 without scurvy, however in light of this event it did get me thinking about where other people from our youth may be...

and so we come to Winnie the Pooh, a child time classic, so where are they now?

1. Pooh - for our all time favorite bear lifetime of morbid obesity followed his many television appearances should have had a little more restraint around the honey jar. He also could never find a shirt that fit his entire upper body...

2. Eeoyre - in what i'm sure was a shocking twist to all who knew him Eeoyre threw himself out of a tree in the forest 2.5 years ago, my guess, depression.

3. Rabbit - always famous for his/her (?) garden, unfortunately recently it (the safest at this point) was found to be growing weed in the back acre...

4. Kanga - sadly Kanga turned to the pills to deal with the trails of single motherhood, look for her intervention TV special coming soon...

5. Roo - Roo managed to make it out of the 100 Acre Woods, and moved to the homeland of australia, where it (again why so unclear about gender) had an affair with the now deceased Steve Erwin... it is said that his love for Roo was what drove him into the stinger of the ray...

6. Owl - Owl, like so many other academics, got tenure and lost interest...

7. Tigger - after a tail sprain that forced him to walk like a normal creature Tigger joined Teachers of the World and now travels teaching high school students his complicated spelling system (T-I-double gah... come one)

8. Piglet - Piglet still serves Pooh, and has become the official forklift driver upon which the large bear sits...

and so you see friends we are all growing older and partaking in changes... hopefully none of us will be subject to the hard times that are created by being a Disney star (a la Miley Cyrus anyone?)...

Slaughter with Sarah Palin

I recently allowed myself the heartache and horror that came with watching the new TLC show Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Now i suppose i should have known that this show would be disturbing on the most basic level considering this is the channel that brought Toddlers in Tiaras, John & Kate Plus 8 (the ultimate guide to parenting), followed by Kate Plus 8 (the ultimate guide to whoring one’s children out to receive 15.4 minutes of fame), and of course Sister Wives (a look into the love that is found between a balding Mormon man and his many lady loves) into the homes of thousands. 

So enter Sarah P. in camo waders teaching her fellow americans about how to properly raise their children, and the wonders of this large state she now seems to own. Now here i was believing that Alaska belonged to many beard wearing mountain men. Silly me, after the elections i should know that Sarah has taken Alaska away from its previous owner, Balto. 

This episode that i watched focused on salmon, the audience watched in epic fascination as we learned about fishing, and its complicated ins and outs. This seems appropriate considering it seems as though she named all her children after tackle. 

Then there was a wonderful scene of fish slaughter. This, i assume, was Mrs. P trying to relate to the trailer park demographic that really believe that she is second only to god, and possibly Kid Rock. This was pretty much the extent of this show on the frigid frontier. Slaughter, it seems, is the main theme of this show. Considering that hunting and gathering seems to be Alaska's favorite past time (screw baseball) this seems that it is only appropriate. In the next episode Americans across the country can look forward watching P.money go hunting and say 20 times per episode that this isn't what divas/normal people do. 

She's really into driving that home. Divas don't scrub the deck of a fishing boat and so on. Well to you, Sarah darling, i say it must be so very hard not being a normal person. Normal people tend to have more than a high school diploma, and at times know what they are seeing from the porch at their house is not Russia, its just a boat. No one will ever again call you normal, diva-like, or intelligent rest assured. 

ATTENTION WOMEN NO SHAVE NOVEMBER IS OVER!

Who thought of this? Women don't feed bears what makes you think we would want look, kiss, or stand near one? So most women, i'm sure, are so very excited that they will soon no longer be nuzzled by a wookie, for these brave women that have endured the last 30 days like the champs that they are i give you a few things to look forward to with your newly groomed pooch:

1. Next time you are near a place that has been bombed the wanted adds won't look like the lump of man flesh you wake up to every morning

2. Instead of watching the 18 hour Curious Case of Benjamin Button, you can watch your man groom and get 5 years younger... sadly Brad Pitt is not included
Just a few things to be thankful for this holiday season...

However, i do not completely ignore the women who live off the grid and love the felt faced look. So for those people i say shape up, all is not lost when your man takes up a razor, i have compiled a few simple things that you can do to keep the mountain man dream alive:

1. The type of men that participate in no shave november would not turn down the opportunity to drink, learn how to make, or be in the presence of, moonshine the ultimate beverage of choice for those who are lead by the logs so to speak

2. Have your man go chop some fire wood, or at the very least, (for you city folk) be really rough with some link-in logs.

So cheer up ladies (or gentlemen) just toss him a flannel shirt and break the shower in your dwelling, all is not lost with the removal of facial fleece

So whether you are pro the fuzzy jowls of the men around us or against just remember that with change often times comes less hair for men, both voluntary and god's cruel trick so lets be supportive...

Disappointments of Disney

Last night i felt the need to revisit my youth and watch the popular children's tale Beauty and the Beast. What a surprise this was. I am mildly concerned that my parents allowed me to watch this movie with little to no regard to the weird, creepy, and horrifying messages that are found in it. So let us take a look at this delightful love story:

1. This movie should be renamed, Stockholm Syndrome: A Documentary. Michael Moore would be pissed he didn't think of it first.

2. Why is he so pissed off? He has his own castle, i'm sure MTV Cribs would be all up in that. Not a hard life. PLUS for some reason he has all those handy housewares that keep him company and do his bidding, do you know how much Bed Bath & Beyond would kill for those?

3. Whose idea was it to give him a rose to keep track of his time as a beast? Maybe other ladies showed up before Belle but when they saw that he had a shrine to a flower just figured he batted for the other team.

4. Why are birds so friendly in the land of Disney? Don't they know they carry diseases? Why can't people get dressed on their own, hello life skill. I feel that your worth as a good housewife/princess shouldn't be measured on what you can make birds do for you. It's called a carrier pigeon people way less pretty than you have been doing this for years get over yourself.

5. I can't be the only one that was whelmed (not over or under) with disappointment after the laser Floyd show and he turned into Fabio. Can you say downgrade? Get your birds and fly the hell away from there while you still have a chance.

Football Touching Down Low

I love football, however, in light of this weekend being the weekend of football i think it is time i share with you a few of my observations about men in tight capris who are a little to excited about jumping on top of each other...

1. "He did a good jobs of penetrating deep from the backside on that play." when this can be said from one man (frequently wearing what can only be described as a Britney Spears microphone) to another man with any sort of regularity and it isn't a on a porn set it's a wonder

2. There is a penalty called "unnecessary roughness". now last time i looked these boys aren't skipping into pillows throwing rainbows and catching happy thoughts. I think that unnecessary roughness is the name of the game.

3. I fully support celebration. A person just held something that is about the size of a baby (and in their pea sized brains just as precious) through what is the equivalent of ten or so angry cows. Plus its nice to see grown men jump into each other's arms placing their crotch exactly at their teammates face (again this can only be found on the field or on a porn set. Also i find it refreshing that that these men have left the traditional chest bump aside and instead try to ram their butts into the back of their teammates head upon a touchdown.

4. Where did they get the name touch down? What are we touching? I suppose that this may have came about because upon touching down one is beaten in congratulations. To me this is a sport in which people who have not been held enough as a child attempt to regain some contact with their fellow man by running down a field and receiving praise, hugs, and butt pats. They long to be touched down low that's the end of that story.

Married TO a Rock

Last night i decided to embark on the adventure that was Married to Rock. See before i could write this i had to treat my TV for herpes, sterilize my remote, and take a scalding 90 minute shower, but now i feel ready to discuss this horror that is our society.

Now the premise of this show is quite simple: a camera crew (hopefully with updated tetanus shots) follows four wives of mostly irrelevant rock stars. I assume that this show is called Married to Rock because for all these ladies know they could be married to a rock. Can't you picture it?
"Hi my name is Candy and i'm married to the oh so sexy Sandstone who you know from the band Mineral Madness, i've never seen him in his band but he says it's super awesome."

That's the other thing they all have names that are also very common of small yappy dogs, as well women that make their living as being professional "dancers". In this show they deal with the real issues of dating a man who looks like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

In this episode we follow one of the girls named Josie (i assume after the Pussy Cats because lets be honest there are so few role models for high school sophomores).  Anyways she decides that it will help her relationship if she makes a life size doll of herself for her husband on the road. Considering the fact that she is already mostly plastic, 62.3% to be precise, this doll is going to be confusing for her poor husband that looks like he was a reject from the band KISS.

Yet another issue that these women deal with, besides finding a bra that fits there unusually large breasts that are beyond the alphabet, is jealousy. This is shocking to everyone that watches the show and knows that it is a wonder that these men had enough money from their mediocre careers to bribe these women into marrying them with an iron clad prenup.

And that is really all i can say without having to go get treated for crabs with hepatitis.

Scary Sexual Snuggle

Recently i was rather innocently reading a lady mag. I was doing what any person exploring one of these oh-so-educational periodicals might. You know, investigating what Britney Spears’s 'Curiosity' smelled like, (in an answer: faint...this is probably because the only thing Brit is ever curious about is when she is imagining how many pieces of chicken will be in her bucket at the KFC drive through, but i digress...). In addition to smelling the musk of the stars i learned the proper length of pantaloons for my body, another important piece that was missing in my life. And then i came across what may be the most disturbing 4 square inches of words and images ever printed. 

Someone has created and published a book named Snuggie Sutra. I know, epic disturbance in the force up in here. For some unknown reason this ladies' journal felt it necessary to give its poor innocent readers the highlights. Before i begin my rage against this literature, i would like to tell you that i am sorry that i cannot show you this tragic piece of print. i tried to find it on the mag website and am too afraid to actually google so i guess do so at your own risk... so let us discover the many issues that come with the Snuggie Sutra:

1. The greatest horror is that someone saw this as a growing market. There were so many Snuggie wearing couples out there that were like “this is really complicated, to do any loving in a blanket with arms and NO claps, zippers, or velcro.” And if so WHO IS HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE THAT CAN’T FIND THEIR WAY OUT OF A BLANKET??

2. Again i am baffled by the fact that no has seemed to figure out that a Snuggie is a bathrobe backwards. Since this is the case, old people have been doing this for years. I know no one wants to hear that but it is true. And i am sorry.

3. Also color me crazy, but who gets so caught up in the sexy times that they can’t slip off a blanket to get things a-rollin’?

4. I would now like to share the titles of the selected for the innocent readers of this awesome magazine, let us begin; 

There is "Me Tarzan You Jane", and no i am not joking, this requires a little more effort apparently one has to tack the blanket part of the Snuggie to the wall. Who has time to do this and still remember the redeeming quality of a person with a Snuggie i will never know...

Moving on, there is the "Warm and Fuzzy", i don't need to say anything more besides the fact that that was the tagline for furbbies i do believe...

"Zorro", from the look of the drawing it appears that this is a solo act, and considering the person that does that probably believes that they are Zorro that is what they will be doing for a long while...  

Then there is the "Goal Post" which looks more like a gyno exam... enough said

"Miss Independent" , the Kelly Clark song wasn't awesome i doubt that you could make it better by yourself

"Papoose", which is really disturbing and i feel like may be offensive... and the word 'papoose' just seems gross doesn't it?

And last there is the "Yes Ma'am", this is what people say after they fill up your gas tank, not when you are making the beasts with two backs.

And to end things i say yet agin that A SNUGGIE IS A BATHROBE BACKWARDS, and WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT OWN SNUGGIES AND ARE STILL GETTING ACTION. this is not the America i knew as a child... 

How to Sell a Lady Mag...

Recently i received this month's Cosmo magazine and after reading yet another article about how to please your man, i am happy to say i have unlocked the secret to selling any successful lady magazine with these captions on the cover in the following categories:

1. Health - the key here is to start with one body part followed by a question that every person knows the answer.
EX: BOOBS! Is it Normal to Have Two?
Suddenly this caption catches your eye. You have two boobs. Are you abnormal? I better check this very informative lady magazine. After you flip past the article because, for some reason numbering pages seems to be an afterthought, you find the article. The model is staring pensively out a window in a bra. She has two boobs-so far, so good. 3 dollars and some random change later you have learned that it is in fact normal to have only two and the crisis has been averted.

2. Weight loss - the important part of this caption is to have a low number involved and the promise of weight loss with some sort of foods.
EX: 5 Foods to Rub on Your Forearms to Lose Weight Fast!
You never do anything with your forearms so what is the harm in rubbing some food on it? I'm totally going to try this business out. Done: magazine sold.

3. Fashion: it is important to try and really sell something that no one with 5.5 brain cells would consider. It helps when they supposedly help attract men...
EX: The Fur Pantaloons that Men go CRAZY for
Despite the fact that i have a very attractive 4.2 brains cells i cannot find a man. I can't wait to slip on these wildly expensive pantaloons to see when men will for sure go wild.

4. Expose - It is always important for women to learn about the fellow dumb bunnies' mistakes. The important aspect of this is to have a quote from the person followed by a summary of what can be found in this page turning article.
EX: "I climbed up a tree and I couldn't get down..." - Her scary two hours in a prison made of branches...
Wow I can relate to this very unintelligent woman, I've been in a tree and have not been able to get down. This picture of her in front of a tree is so inspiring...

Ta-da the key to a fast selling lady magazine like nobody's business.

Lion Cub AT a Loin Club WITH Loin Rabies

It has been brought to my attention that loin cub and lion cub are very different things. This is true, it is really just the difference of one letter, there is LION cub, Simba for example that we all know and love. Then there is a loin CLUB, which can really be considered as any amount or gathering of men together. And then there is a new phrase i have just coined that i believe will be sweeping the nation. Loin Rabies... allow me to define...

Loin Rabies: definition - to have a rabid loin
Sample Sentence - That man whore had a serious case of the loin rabies
                               His loins came alive as if it had a case of the rabies... loin rabies.

SHARKTOPUS!!!

This weekend i had the opportunity, no the pleasure, of watching a syfy classic titled Shartopus. Before i begin about the epicness that is this movie i would like to say that this was a planned out event. I'm not ashamed to say that i found, and recorded, this piece of cinematic awesomeness, and me and the mates watched it with more than a medium amount of glee. Let me begin to discuss my thoughts on this piece of filming fabulousness...

1. First i suppose i should begin by giving the three people reading this a brief overview of this movie's silver screen splendidness. It follows the basic storyline of any bad monster movie. Crazy older 80's actor takes the role as lead silver fox crazy pants who somehow decided to combine on ferocious creature with one that has little to no fear associated with it since we realized that the world is round. Thus giving us Shartopus, or as they refer to it in the movie S11 to add scientific validity.
Of course Sharktopus is as harmless as a well sedated loin cub with rabies as long as it is wearing a Gossip Girl-like headband that allows the scientists control over its brain. Oddly enough Shartopus doesn't really care for his accessory and goes on a killing spree in Mexico (WHO SAW THAT COMING?! i know grab your inhaler and try to stay with me). Shartopus leaves in his wake plastic implants and fake blond hair extensions from all the random extras Syfy finds right off the porn set.
Eventually after great turmoil, bad computer animation, and many deaths of people the storyline never really cared to introduce you to, it comes down to the final battle. Shartopus kills his creator in a very poetic scene drenched in fake blood and the young strapping lad who can't seem to keep his shirt on must step up and distract Shartopus while the morally sound scientist blows up his brain with a computer. And that is the end. It was filled with twists and turns no one with a pulse didn't see coming, quite a cinematic feat really.

2. For a minute i would like to think about other titles for this movie that they had to go through before settling on the gem that is Sharktopus. Pusark? (Bad porno about a sexy Jarassic Park?) Octoark ? (newest weapon on halo?) Pusshark? (yet another youtube video about someones cat?) oh to be a fly on that wall.

3. I also want to know what is so horrifying about a octopus? For some reason they are featured in many Syfy movies frequently with a shark (Mega Shark Giant Octopus anyone? real movie no joke). Are people threatened that they can squish themselves in very small spaces, have eight arms? They really have very few claims to fame that one should be envious of if we're being really honest.

4. Finally i would like to offer up some other suggestions to the monster movies staples that Syfy should explore... any sort of giant vermin, is anyone like "oh a giant mole, lets cuddle." No they are not. Giant moles making giant tunnels, cities would fall in disarray it would be anarchy. Sting rays, anything that can take down Steve Erwin is some creepy stuff. If he didn't survive what makes you think that a chick named Candy would? Any sort of giant bird, this may just be me, being as birds hate me with a fiery passion, but i think being pecked to death would be a bad way to go. Plus think of them swooping you up? Not awesome. Syfy hop on that if you can make Shartopus with any sort of faith that people would enjoy/watch it you can do anything.

Things I learned when i should have been resting...

For some unknown reason i decided that this weekend would be a good time to take a class on the minds of criminals because apparently Law and Order just wasn't doing it for me any more. I would like to share with you what i learned about myself and the other creepy people in this world:

1. Taking a class that begins at 9 in the AM on both saturday(the day of pre-rest and drunken debauchery) and on sunday( the day of rest, reflection, and not wearing real pants) was a horrible idea.
2. Breaking news. People are actually awake at 8:30 in the AM on both saturday AND sunday AND some of them even went through the process of putting on real clothes and looking mildly presentable. to you i say, WHO ARE YOU? and we will never be friends.
3. The only up side to getting up so early on the weekend is that i almost always see one walk of shame. To that unfortunate person i say try earlier there is an unusual amount of studious people out and about... you'll thank me later.
4. Also for some unknown reasons the squirrels are also unusually rambunctious in the morning. This makes walking anywhere under trees quite unpleasant and a bit frightening, so beware.
5. Moving on to the things that i have learned in this class... lock your doors. That's really the take home lesson of the weekend. People are crazy and they're everywhere, no one is safe.
6. Stay tuned as i go Olivia Benson on everyone by the end of the day. It will happen.

Live like you were dying... in someone else's shoes

Hey team hey,

I would like to address two problems i have with facebook status choices...

1) Song quotes for statuses - what is this telling us? that you are one of only 5 other people that listen, and more shockingly, feel that TIm McGraw can better express how you feel in this moment in life? 55.7% of the time there is no need for a song quote in your status it can be summed up in 2 simple words. So and so is epically depressed. See, enough said, we now don't have to try and read into the metaphors of the Beetles to understand that you and updating your status from the top of a very tall building. I just don't understand it, and this brings me to my next issue...

2) Strange quotes - this also makes very little sense to me. So and So is walking in someone else's shoes. Again let me simplify this for you. So and so is going bowling. See simple. You are welcome.